Epitaph of a Good Man
by toomanycurls
Summary: Faithful friend, tender lover, avid learner the epitaph of our hero, Remus John Lupin. I am sorry to say that I am the reason he died. Maybe once I leave you my version of events, you’ll spare me some pity or even forgive me for my heinous crime. RR!
1. Clumsy Start

Faithful friend, tender lover, avid learner- the epitaph of our hero, Remus John Lupin. I was one of the fortunate people to know him in all three ways. I am sorry to say that I am also the reason he died. Maybe once I leave you my version of events, you'll spare me some pity or even forgive me for my heinous crime.

My relationship with Remus started in an unlikely place, in the middle of a revolution against Voldemort. I was brought into the Order of the Phoenix by Arthur Weasley and Kingsley Shacklebolt. I overheard Arthur telling a time for a meeting and asked them what they were plotting. They hesitated bringing me in, but Dumbledore trusted me and remembered me from my school years. He was confident that I would be a great addition to the Order. I'm sure you can imagine my surprise at the first meeting. I hadn't met such a strange group of people. There was Mundungus; a crook, the Weasleys; a large but happy family, Severus Snape and Minerva McGonagall; both professors at Hogwarts, the former Auror Mad-Eye Moody, Sirius Black; a distant relative and fugitive, an assortment of witches and wizards; most of whom I hadn't met before, and at Sirius' left sat Remus.

Most women writing about a lover they recently lost would say something about "having that feeling" about him at their first meeting. I won't say that; it wasn't true.He looked nervous and somewhat awkward, not the usual winning characteristics I go for. I was eager to hear what was going on and it showed. I caught a bemused look on Remus' face. It was almost as if he hadn't seen a young woman in quite a while, and with the crowd he ran around with, I could see how that would happen.

That night they were planning a trip to Little Whinging to extract Harry Potter. Evidently he had preformed some illegal magic and was in danger of being expelled. "If he was attacked by dementors, they can't expel him, can they?" I chipped in.

Several members shot me impatient looks; it was Molly who answered. "We, well Dumbledore feels that the Ministry will try to say that there were not any dementors there that night. We have of course discussed all of the possibilities for the hearing; our main concern is getting Harry away from the Durselys before he does something rash. Again."

I smiled quickly and gave a quick nod. The group didn't seem too keen on giving people catch-up notes. I was intent on finding a remedy to my blunderous first statement. From what Minerva said about the family, they were horrible. They sounded greedy and arrogant; so when they needed a ploy to get them out of the house I had an idea. "I'll lure them out with a letter saying they've won a city-wide contest for best-kept lawns." I shot off inadvertently cutting off Remus.

The rest of the Order seemed mildly impressed with the lie I invented; there was a slight mummer around the circle. Remus coughed quietly. "Now that we have bait, we need a group to go to the house and guard Harry in his trip back to Grimmauld Place." Most of the group raised their hands, including me. I was eager to meet Harry and get my feet wet with the Order.

When the meeting adjourned for the evening, I lingered. Sirius invited me to stay for some drinks; I eagerly accepted. I wanted to probe him for some knowledge about the Order. Mad-Eye and Remus also hung back. I chatted with Mad-Eye for a while. I knew him by reputation and he wanted to hear how the Auror training was nowadays. After a short while Moody looked at his watch and got up to leave. "I have guard duty." He grunted and turned to go.

"Guard duty?" I asked. "What are you guarding?" Moody paused a moment, his back to me; probably glaring at me with is magical eye. "Potter" was all the answer I received before he left.

A few moments after Moody left the kitchen two boys, identical twins, meandered into the large room. They noticed me right away mainly because I was an unknown that and I changed my hair from pink to purple. I had been contemplating it for quite some time.

"Woah," Said one. "Wicked, said the other. Then they both asked, "Who are you?"

Remus answered for me. "This is Nymphadora Tonks, a new member of the Order." I gave Remus a contemptuous look.

"Call me Tonks," I said firmly. "I'm a metamorphmagus." I relished my ability to change shape and physical appearance. More than a great party trick, it helped tons with my Auror training.

"We're Fred and George Weasley." Said the one I figured to be Fred. I saw him tucking something flesh-like into his pocket. "I see we missed the meeting." He noted looking around the room.

Sirius answered this time; "Yes and your parents went upstairs. Apparate down, did you?"

The twins grinned. "We thought we'd pick up some information." George pulled a similar flesh-like string out of his pocket. "Extendable Ears. Fred and I invented them." I took it and put it up to my ear, the opposite end crept towards Remus and Sirius who were chuckling. "They will move towards the loudest sound in the vicinity." George lowered his voice and said "We've been learning about the Order all summer."

Remus and Sirius exchanged looks that indicated this wasn't entirely new information. A shrill voice rang across the room. "YOU'VE BEEN DOING _WHAT_ ALL SUMMER?" Molly Weasley had her hands on her hips and look of utmost rage etched on her face. She stormed over to her twins. "_Accio!_" She yelled reaching out her hand, easily catching the Extendible Ears. Without another word, she stomped out of the kitchen. The twins had a look of terror on their faces. With two looks of painful concentration, they disapparated.

I gave Sirius a wry smile. "Things stay interesting around here I see. Her shouting makes your Mum sound like a soft whisper." I said smirking. I managed to set off the hideous painting of my Aunt Walburga on my way in that evening. It screamed and cursed at me for my mother's marriage to a Muggle-born wizard. I felt slightly bitter that her actions weighed so heavily on how 'family' treated me. Sirius seemed to be an exception. He and my mother apparently got along well when they were kids.

"How's your hand, Sirius?" Remus asked, breaking my out of my reverie. I glanced over and saw Sirius dipping a cloth in a bowl of dark yellow liquid.

"Better than it was. I can't say I blame Harry; I knew something like this would happen." Sirius said sagely.

"What happened to your hand?" I asked my nose crinkling a little. "And what is that you're using for it?" 

"It's Essence of Murtlap, it helps for cuts and bruises." Remus answered. I gave him a slightly puzzled look. He answered for Sirius and visa versa as if they were a couple married some 30 years. I thought they were a couple. "Harry sent his owl after the Dementor attack and he wanted answers. She attacked Sirius, Ron and Hermione." Remus continued, interpreting my look of confusion to be about the cuts, not his behavior.

Three more kids came into the room then. Two of them wearing bandages on their hands. "So, you're Ron and Hermione?" I asked smiling. 

"Who the ruddy hell are you?" Ron asked pulling out a chair and plopping down. Hermione shot him an impatient look.

"It's a little obvious, Ron. Fred said there was a new member down here." Hermione said huffily.

I wondered if she was always so imperious with him. "I'm Tonks. As you've heard, I'm new." I smiled and thinking it'd be fun, changed my nose to be the same as Ron's nose, long and heavily freckled.

The other girl giggled. "I'm Ginny." She said grinning still. "How did you do that?"

"She's a metamorphmagus!" Hermione blurted out excitedly. "Professor McGonagall has mentioned them in class before."

Ron, who was still scowling about being reprimanded earlier said "…so, you can change your appearance?" I nodded laughing lightly. I glanced over to Remus and Sirius; they were both smirking a little. "Do another nose." Ron asked eagerly.

I thought about it and made my nose into a wide and ugly nose, then, I did Dumbledore. Sirius interrupted my show with a question. "What's your mum doing upstairs?" He glanced up to the ceiling, which was lightly showering everyone with dust from the movement and other commotion.

" I think she's gathering up Fred and George's snack boxes and, uh other things." Ginny grinned at Ron. They soon heard Mrs. Weasley stomping down the stairs followed closely by her two shouting sons.

"IT'S OUR STUFF, WE INVENTED THEM!" One of them shouted looking as if he'd like to jinx his mother.

Molly threw the box into the fire and the Extendible Ears wiggles and writhed like worms trying to avoid a certain death. "Bed. All of you." She said in a voice of force calm. Fred and George looked as if they had something to say, it sounded like "of age" but I couldn't quite tell. "I don't care if you are of age; get yourself up to your room!" They stormed up the stairs followed meekly be Hermione, Ginny, and Ron.

Molly sat down tiredly; I knew I wouldn't want her lot. "Cup of tea, Molly?" I asked. She nodded. I looked around and found the stove. There was a kettle on it. I bit my lip and tried to remember the incantation. I was horrible at domestic spells. I muttered what sounded like the right spell and the kettle shot off the stove. Remus got up to help me.

"Don't do much cooking?" He asked quietly a slight smile playing on his face. Before I could answer, he tapped the kettle with his wand and the kettle whistled. Apparently, he had mastered householdish spells. I took the kettle and said a quiet "thanks" while pouring Molly a hot cup of tea.

Molly took it with a weary look but said thanks nonetheless. "Where's Arthur at?" I asked just noticing his absence. Molly sipped her tea for a moment debating on what to say.

"He's on guard duty." She said quietly. Then she got up as if an idea had just occurred to her and pointed her want to the door and muttered an incantation. "Now they won't be able to listen." She saw my look of slight confusion and said, "I put an Imperturbable Charm on the door. I don't think those ear things could make it through." I was surprised by her cunning; she was made of tougher stuff than she appeared. "Yes, Arthur is on guard duty, at the Ministry."

"Is Harry at the Ministry?" I asked. It seemed a bit daft to have two accomplished wizards guarding the same boy.

"There are two guards." Sirius said gruffly. "They are not guarding the same thing." I raised an eyebrow and looked towards the other two for more explanation.

Remus leaned forward slightly and said "It's in the Department of Mysteries. We're not quite sure what it is, but Dumbledore said that if Voldemort" I flinched slightly "gets it we'll be done in."

Molly went to bed soon after that and I stayed around for a bit talking with Remus and Sirius. It was after midnight when I said I should go home, I did have to work in the morning and get a letter off to the Dursleys. Remus offered to walk me to the door. He said he didn't want me to run into Kreacher, the basket-case of a house elf that lived there. I managed to trip over an umbrella stand, for the first of many times, but Remus caught me before I fell. I looked up into his face giving him a dopey smile. He helped me up and stunned the portrait. If it hadn't been for the screaming issuing from the portrait, it would have been a nice moment to kiss. Sirius came bolting out of the kitchen. Looked around and shot Remus a quizzical look. Remus let go of me as if he were embarrassed to be holding my waist.

I smiled at the both of them and left before I could set anything else off. I spent a good deal of the night awake in bed thinking of that night's events. It was a lot of information to take in and there were a lot of new people to get to know. I have to admit that Remus didn't strike me as a very intriguing person; though, our moment by the portrait did make its way into my thoughts that night before I dozed off.


	2. Good Luck Charm

I went to Grimmauld Place right after work the next day. It really was a hub of action and planning. We had to work out the finer details of Harry's extraction the night after next. Molly sent a message with Arthur to work for me to dine with the family. It was nice to be included. Molly seemed to warm up to me after the tea the previous night. She didn't quite warm up to my helping her in the kitchen.

My trip near the stairs caused my Aunt's portrait to go off; she was screaming and cursing at us as usual. I landed flat on my back, clutching the hideous umbrella stand. I looked up and Remus was looking down at me. "If you like it so much, I'm sure Sirius will let you have it." He said smiling. His calmness amid the shrieking portraits had a soothing affect on me. Everyone else in the house seemed to jump to alert when the yelling started. He leaned down, took the umbrella stand out of my arms, and offered me a hand. Once on my feet and thanked him, blushing slightly, then checking my hair in a mirror I retreated downstairs with the others. Molly wanted help with supper; she said it wasn't right for one person to bear to the brunt of the work. I offered to help and she hesitantly accepted. I started to pour butterbeer for the eleven of us. It went pretty well until I was almost done.

I managed to do a domino-style spill where the first mug hit all of the other ones and caused them to fall over spilling butterbeer everywhere. I took out my wand and vanished the wasted drinks then conjured more butterbeer allowing Ginny to pour them. I looked around feeling rather sheepish. Remus' shoe seems to squelch from being wet; an orange cat lapped some of the butterbeer from the floor. Hermione picked it up and said "that's not for you Crookshanks." Then she sent him out of the kitchen. Fred congratulated me on making a bigger mess than Ron (who spilled a container of noodles everywhere). George whispered something to Ginny that sounded like domestically challenged.

I sighed and changed my hair color to the vivid red of the Weasleys, smirking slightly. Deficient though I was at useful around the house, I could at least amuse myself and laugh at my follies. Hermione laughed so did the others. "Can you do noses like last night?" She asked eagerly as we sat down to eat. I nodded and thought of how best to comply.

I did a large protruding nose that resembled that of Snape. Ron snorted derisively. I did everyone's nose in the room. By the time I was done, we were halfway through dinner. I did a pig snout to imitate Ron eating. It was a hoot. Our fun was ended by the arrival of a few Order members. Dung came in stench and all, followed (at a distance) by McGonagall. Molly swiftly shooed her kids and Hermione out of the kitchen and stood out in the hallway, most likely to block them from eavesdropping again.

Moody called the meeting to order. He was shooting me an occasional puzzled look with his normal eye. So were a few other people. Remus put his hand on my knee, leaned in and whispered "Your nose." I felt it and gasped quietly. It was as scared and broken looking like Moody's. I dropped my quill and changed it back to normal while I was leaning down to pick it up. At the point where Moody said, "Assuming that Tonks did her job," I sat up abruptly.

"My job? Yes! I did. I made a copy of it too." I brandished an official looking letter. "I also sent one to some neighbors of the Dursleys, incase they check around." I looked around the group; they seemed to find my actions sufficient. Moody looked pleased at least. I grinned but no one returned my giddiness.

Moody had extensive plans for going to the house (staggered Apparition at a nearby park). He had escape routes and back-up escape routes. Once we entered, the house there was debate on how to approach Harry. We couldn't send him a letter. It could be intercepted or just not arrive. Dedalus Diggle suggested that we merely go in and work out what to do from there. That idea wouldn't do. Elphias Doge suggested that Remus go up to Harry's room and fetch him. Moody didn't quite like that idea. We settled on summoning him down to the living room and Remus (because he knew Harry the best) would explain the plan to him.

We settled on that and then Moody delved into his explanation of our departure. They had a signal that Molly would send when the skies were free. Then another one 15 minutes later when we were take off. Our route back was planned to be more complex than our trip there. I was chosen to lead and carry Harry's trunk under my broom. I had a harness that would work nicely. Kingsley looked as if he wanted to inquire as to the purpose of having a harness that size (as most adult wizards send their luggage by magic) and I was glad that Moody moved right into the complicated flight pattern. It sounded like we'd fly looking like a model of an atom that I saw in a book of my dad's.

We finished the plans in another half hour. I knew I couldn't stay as late that night. I yawned and said that Scrimgeour might notice if I was dead-on-my-feet two days in a row. I seemed to be the signal that it was polite to leave without rushing out. Moody also said he had to go; he needed to think-over our plans. He told the group to keep the next evening open. We walked out together. I asked how he was going to revamp our plans. He gruffly replied that they needed fine-tuning but he had duty that night and would probably have a hard time getting it finished. We made it to the door and I realized that I didn't knock over the troll-leg-of-death that seemed to have a permanent appointment with my foot. It was nice to be with a guy that didn't cause my feet to spaz out.

We walked down the street a ways; Dumbledore said it was best to apparate by an desolate park. Moody and I chitchatted about the Order, the Auror office, Harry, and other topics as they came up. Almost to the park, I tripped over a loose brick. Moody extended a hand and helped me up.

"You _passed_ your Auror qualifications?" He asked gruffly. I glanced at him and saw the remnants of a smile on his face. He was teasing with me; this was an action of which I didn't think he was capable.

"Oh bugger off you old cod." I said laughing. Moody let out what must have been his version of a laugh. "Well, I'll see you tomorrow then." And with that I disaparated home.

The next day was just as interesting as the previous. I felt an excited tension growing in my chest. I walked into Scrimgeour twice while going about my business. I set up a phone for the Dursleys to call if/when they confirmed their attendance at the Lawn Ceremony. Sure enough, they called. "Best Kept Lawns Society" I answered cheerily.

It was Mr. Dursley. "Yes, this is Vernon Dursley, I-"

"Oh yes! Mr. Dursley." I said girlishly. "How can I help you?"

Dursley's voice changed slightly; "I'd like to confirm attendance for Petunia, Duddley Dursley and myself." He added in a smarmy voice, "We've been short-listed."

I rolled my eyes and continued with this sycophantic conversation. "Yes, of course. Your yard is one of the best ones we've had in a while… Not that I can say that 'officially.' You'll be dining near the stage with our other honored guests."

Dursley rambled on for another 5 minutes and grilled me on his neighbors; he wanted to make sure that _they_ weren't invited. I assured him that the only people in the vicinity that got an invitation were people who had impeccable lawns, and his neighbors did not meet the requirements. 

I went on a bit of a walk after the phone call; that muggle was in a league of his own. I bumped into Arthur Weasley. "You alright?" He said indifferently. "I would be if you'd watch where you're going." I responded coolly. I walked past giving a slight smile. Kingsley explained to me that we were to treat other members of the Order with whom we don't have usual interaction with cool indifference. Otherwise, people would inquire to non-related people gathering together.

That night wasn't as arduous as the night before. Moody seemed less determined to unify everyone's plan. He had a hard time competing with the chatter about meeting Harry. Bill Weasley chatted animatedly about Harry during the Triwizard Tournament. I was seated next to Bill and Emmaline Vance. She didn't seem to think tonight's meeting worthwhile. She and Moody were talking about the previous Order and its members. As the night wound down I chatted with Bill at length about school in our days. He was a few years older than I was and we knew a lot of the same people. Molly kept giving us furtive looks while talking with Kingsley.

One by one, the group dissipated. Moody lingered at the door; I felt his gaze on me for a few extra seconds before he left. Bill soon left; he had work in the morning. I started chatting with Remus and Sirius about Harry. I was intent on getting the Sparknotes version of our target. Listening to both of them talk was entertaining. They respected Potter and quite obviously loved him. They gushed over him like parents gush over newborn babies. It was quite amusing. Remus' description of Harry working relentlessly on the Patronus Charm was endearing. Midnight had come and gone before I felt my eyelids close slightly with sleep.

I yawned loudly and said I had to go. After Sirius mangled what he thought would be a covert kick under the table (the loud thud was somewhat of a giveaway that he was doing something), and Remus asked me if I wanted company out. I agreed smiling at Sirius' antics more than anything. I made it past the umbrella stand without tripping; Remus seemed to notice and opened his mouth to say something when I tripped over Crookshanks. The cat ran towards a corner and hissed at me. Remus and I laughed.

When we got to the door, I asked if he wanted to go with me to the corner. Remus agreed, grabbing his red-knitted sweater and putting it on, causing his hair to ruffle. "Knit that one yourself?" I asked him as we set off. He did seem awfully domestic. 

Remus looked at his sweater critically. "Are the sleeves uneven or something?" He asked dryly. I threw him a sideways glance. There were traces of a smile on his face. "I did make it." He said somewhat proudly.

"I thought so. Part of my Auror training was in detecting hand-made sweaters and their Dark counterparts." I chuckled quietly. I always annoyed myself when I laughed at my own jokes.

Remus played along. "Dark sweaters?" He said inquiringly. "Like those ones that come out around Christmas?"

I snorted. "Yes!" I said louder than I meant to. I didn't say anything else right away, but then a question popped in my head. "Do you think it'll really be dangerous tomorrow? Or is Mad-Eye being Mad-Eye?" I stopped walking and so did Remus.

He looked around pensively. He always seemed to have a "thinking action" when he didn't want to answer someone right away. "There could be." He finally said. "With some luck we'll get through it without any hold-ups."

I raised an eyebrow. "All that planning and we're relying on luck?" I smirked. So did he.

"Well, luck and some highly trained witches and wizards." He corrected himself. He was looking around the park which was all but deserted.

"Hmm." I thought it about it for a second. "In that case…" And without really thinking it through, I put my hands on the back of Remus' neck, pulled him close gave him a tender kiss on the lips. His hand, which seemed to be somewhat lost, found its way to my waist. I pulled away smiling after what had been, for me at least, a few delectable moments. "That should take care of the luck part." I said stepping backwards, thankful that the dark covered my flushed cheeks. Without anytime for explanation or a redo, I disapparated.I was so shocked by my behavior that I missed my flat by a few blocks and popped into the flat of a couple in the midst of… recreational activities. I ran out and redisapparated, this time making it home. I hugged my pillow in bed that night. I lost quite a few hours of sleep analyzing my interlude with Remus. Then I groaned realizing that Sirius would probably find out. He'd think I was a lush or something; he seemed immature when it came to these things. Even worse was that I didn't know what Remus thought of the kiss. It caught him by surprise as much as it did me. I couldn't quite quantify or classify my feelings for him, and I didn't want to right then either.


	3. Long Day

I met that day with apprehension. I was preoccupied with extracting Harry from his relatives, the meeting (which was suppose to be fairly signifigant), and seeing Remus. I was mad at my self for developing a crush on him. The Order wasn't a place to fish for men, or that's what I kept telling myself. I arrive at Grimmauld Place a bit after work. I had my broom secured in a guitar case. I thought it was a clever disguise. When I entered the house, I got a rush of butterflies in my stomach. It was a place of fun and excitement in spite of its gloomy décor.

I passed Ginny who was sitting on the staircase looking rather sullen. "Wotcher, Ginny." I said cheerily.

"Hi Tonks." She said in a gloomy voice.

"You ok?" I asked sitting next to her on the stairs.

"Mum keeps blocking the Extendable Ears from the kitchen." She started looking frustrated.

"Ah, yeah. She makes it Imperturbable." I said remembering her frequent trips to the entry way to secure our meetings. I glanced at Ginny, she was evidently tired of being out of the loop. "You know… if you toss something at the doorway and it bounces off, you'll know it's Imperturbable."

Ginny smiled at me. "Thanks, Tonks. I'll give it a try tonight."

I grinned back. "Well, don't tell your mum I told you; although, I doubt she'll forget tonight. It's suppose to be an important meeting."

"Good luck getting Harry tonight." Ginny said heading up the stairs. I laughed and said thanks. I headed down to the kitchen excited for the night's business. I kept running through all the scenarios of how Remus could act around me today. I hoped he'd be the same, sweet guy he usually was. I held my breath a bit as I walked in the door.

I walked into the kitchen where a small coterie there already. I managed to illicit quite a few quizzical looks upon my arrival. At first, I felt slightly mortified; I thought they _all_ knew about the previous night. Then I remembered that my broomstick was in its guitar case, which was slung over my shoulder.

"Going to a peace rally?" Sirius asked sardonically eyeing my hair and guitar case. I rolled my eyes, set down my guitar case, and opened it so they couldn't see its contents. Then I pulled out my broom. I smiled and said, "I got this guitar case at a Weird Sisters concert. They didn't give me the guitar though." I set my broom down and brought the case to a closet upstairs where I checked the color. It looked alright for violet. It wasn't exactly my color. I piled my broom with the other ones in the kitchen. Molly was going to send them to Privet Drive after we arrived.

I looked around at the group there, a knot building in my stomach. From what I could tell, Sirius wasn't acting any more immature than usual, so it seemed that Remus wasn't a tell-all. Or a tell-anything for that matter. I was quite grateful. Moody was there. He was checking the clock every few minutes. I smiled at him and he grunted back. I guess that's his was of saying hello. Sturgis was seated next to Moody talking in low whispers about duty.

I squeezed in-between Sirius and Moody. I didn't want to be awkward. Sturgis got up to go right as the rest of the Guard walked in. Everyone sat in excited anticipation when Moody announced that we needed to go and head to our Apparation point. As we headed upstairs, Ron and Hermioned waved us off. Ginny was a few steps above them with friend and George even further up. As I was walking by the umbrella stand, I almost walked into it. Moody grabbed my arm and yanked me ahead. I waved merrily to the kids and flung my hand into Emmeline Vance's shoulder.

I saw Remus smirking at me from behind. "Something amusing you, Remus?" I asked as we waited by the door for Moody to use the put-outter.

He shook his head. "No, nothing's amusing me Nympha-"

"It's Tonks." I cut across him. Remus rolled his eyes slightly but was still smiling. I eased up a bit. "Well, with a smirk like that I thought perhaps you just got shagged or won the lottery. Seeing as Sirius didn't look nearly as content as you do, I'm guessing it's the lottery." I said in a whisper. Remus didn't respond but there was a twinkle in his eyes that denoted suppressed laughter. The rest of the Guard was chatting in an excited whisper masking Remus' and my conversation. Moody was watching the sky for a signal that the coast was clear.

When it came we apparated 30 seconds apart. Moody went first and Remus went last. When I arrived with a slight crack, Moody was finishing up with the lights. I went up to the door and alohamora'd it open. I entered and walked towards what must have been the kitchen. Dedalus Diggle walked into me and I stumbled forward and knocked a decorative plate off the wall.

"Watch it!" Emmeline Vance hissed.

"I am watching it." I whisper-shouted back. I waved my wand and repaired the plate. I looked at it and cringed. "It was better broken." I laughed. The rest of the Guard walked in. Then we looked around. We hadn't agreed on who should go get Harry.

"Remus, go up and get him." Sturgis said.

Remus looked flustered by our oversight in the plan. "Ok, I'll go."

Moody put a hand up. "No need, Potter's coming." We all gathered near the bottom of the stairs looking towards the top expectantly. There was a slight buzz of conversation when Harry appeared looking disheveled but lively. He had his wand out and was pointing it in our general direction.

"Lower your wand boy, before you take someone's eye out." Moody growled.

Harry looked somewhat uncertain. "Professor Moody?" He asked in a quavering voice.

"I don't know so much about 'professor,'" Moody said disdainfully. "Never got round to much to teaching, did I? Get down here, we want to see you properly." Harry hesitated and only slightly lowered his wand. I couldn't quite blame him. Sirius and Remus told me how Mad-Eye had been captured and forced to live in his trunk for a most of a year while a Death-Eater paraded around as him.

"It's all right, Harry. We've come to take you away." Remus said consolingly in his raspy voice.

"Professor Lupin?" Harry inquired, sounding excited. "Is that you?" I thought that 'Professor' was a fitting title for Remus. I had the image of Remus sitting behind a desk reading over someone's essay; it sounded sexy. Then I came to my senses.

"Why are we all standing in the dark?" I said rhetorically. "_Lumos_." The stairway lit up. Remus was beaming up at Harry.

"Ooooh, he looks just like I thought he would." I said sounding like a bit of a fan girl. "Wotcher, Harry!" I said eagerly.

Kingsley commented how much Harry looked like his father, and Hestia agreed. "Except for his eyes." She commented. Harry looked bemused and annoyed by this. I imaged that he heard it often.

Then Moody brought us back to our task. He was looking dubiously up at Harry. "Are you quite sure it's him, Lupin? It'd be a nice lookout if we bring back some Death Eater impersonating him. We out to ask him something only the real Potter would know. Unless anyone brought some Veritaserum?" I rolled my eyes. Of course no one had Veritaserum. Who has that handy in their pocket.

"Harry, what form does your Patronus take?" Remus asked.

Harry looked uneasy but answered. "A stag."

This seemed to be enough for Remus. "That's him, Mad-Eye." Harry seemed to sigh with relief and started down the stairs. He was definitely calmed down; he put his wand in his back pocket.

"Don't put your wand there, boy!" Moody shouted intensely. "What if it ignited? Better wizards than you have lost buttocks, you know!"

I raised an eyebrow and asked, "Who d'you know who's lost a buttock?" I eyed Mad-Eye's backside.

Moody glared. "Never you mind, just keep your wand out of your back pocket!" Moody grumbled something about elementary wand safety and went into the kitchen. I rolled my eyes. "I saw that." He said testily.

Remus and Harry were talking quietly when I heard Harry say, "You're really lucky the Dursleys are out."

"Lucky ha!" I said snorting. "It was me that lured them out of the way." I explained the All-England Best Kept Suburban Lawn Competition to Harry. He seemed amused by the idea of them being tricked like that. I was taking in the house; it was very clean and museum-ish. I noticed Harry giving Moody an uncomfortable look. Remus noticed it too.

"This _is_ Alastor Moody." Remus said reassuringly. Harry nodded and muttered that he knew that. Then Remus seemed to think that some introductions were in order. "And this is Nymphadora—"

"_Don't_ call me Nymphadora, Remus." I said in a long-suffering voice "It's Tonks."

Remus gave me a look but continued undeterred. "—Nymphadora Tonks, who prefers to be known by her surname only," he finished suppressing a smirk.

"So would you if your fool of a mother named you Nymphadora." I shot back. The corners of Remus' mouth twitched as he went through and introduced all of the Guard. Harry nodded to each as they were introduced. I continued looking around noting the differences in this house and my muggle-grandparent's house.

"Very _clean_, aren't they?" I called from the kitchen, inadvertently interrupting Remus, who was explaining the plan to Harry. My dad's Muggle-born and he's a right old slob. I suppose it varies, just like with wizards?" Harry gave me a look as if he thought my questions were out of place.

"Er… yeah." Then he turned to the group at large and said. "What's going on, I haven't heard anything from anyone, what's Vol—" A slight shudder went around the group.

Moody told him to shut it and turned to face Harry. "We're not discussing it here, too risky." He said tersely. I noticed his magical eye was stuck looking up. Then Moody swore and popped his eye out with a nasty squelch.

I raised my eyebrows slightly. "Mad-Eye, d'you know that is disgusting, don't you?" His eye didn't bother me, but seeing it taken out like that was a bit much. Upon Moody's request, Harry got him a glass of water and he plopped his eye in it. After a few minutes of chit-chat Remus suggested that Harry go pack up his stuff.

"I'll come help you." I said following Harry up the stairs. I blustered on some about the house being a bit too clean until I caught sight of Harry's room. "Oh this is better." I said. Harry's room was a bit beyond my comfort level of mess, but it balanced the rest of the house. I walked by his wardrobe, which was wide open, and caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. "You know, I don't think purple's really my color. Do you think it makes me look peaky?" I asked glancing at his reflection in the mirror.

Harry looked up from the things he had in his hands and made a non-committal sound. I decided it did make me look something ill and twisted my face in concentration and changed my hair back to pink.

Harry's jaw dropped. "How'd you do that?" He asked stopping his packing efforts all together. I explained to him about being a Metamorphagus. Once I told him what it meant, he seemed rather impressed. Still being proud of being an Auror, I explained how much being a Metamorphagus helped in my training. Harry seemed even more impressed that I was an Auror than anything else. After a few minutes of not packing, I looked around and said mid-flow and said we've got to get packing.

We both looked around guiltily. Harry grabbed some more books and tossed them into his trunk. "Don't be stupid, it'll be much quicker if I— _pack!_" His things flew pell-mell into the trunk. I attempted a go at cleaning his owl's cage, but I only managed to get some of it gone. We made our way down stairs. I couldn't help but admire Harry's broomstick. I wanted a Firebolt but I couldn't afford one.

As we descended the stairs, Remus looked up at us let out a quick "Excellent." My heart twitterpated then I realized I was being a dope. The Excellent was for Harry, not me. Harry and Lupin had a brief exchange about Harry's aunt and uncle. Remus left them a note explaining where Harry had gone to. I thought it was a thoughtful gesture. I agreed with Harry that they wouldn't really care that he was gone and didn't blame him for not wanting to come back.

Once we were all out on the grass Moody started explaining the flight formation to Harry. Molly had sent our brooms and Sturgis was handing them out. Moody made it sound like we were going to be attacked mid-flight. Alastor sounded somewhat excited.

"Stop being so cheerful, Mad-Eye he'll think we're not taking this seriously." I said fixing Harry's trunk to my broom. After a few moments squabbling, we took off. I had a fairly easy job. I led and went the directions Moody told me. After a while (and several strange turns) Moody was starting to get ridiculous with his bearings. Thank goodness Remus was there to mediate. Right when Moody was to have us go an extra 20 miles out of the way, Remus called for us to descend.

After landing Moody fiddled with the Put-Outter and I struggled with Harry's trunk until Remus came by to help me carry it in. We seemed to come right before the meeting. Molly was near the door waiting. She was ecstatic to see Harry. She conducted Harry and his trunk upstairs to where Hermione and Ron were. Before they got too far up the stairs I tripped over that blasted umbrella stand. I was talking to Remus and was looking at him, not the path. After some chaos Sirius came up and helped us subdue the paintings. I continued downstairs after that.

The room seemed really full even. I managed to find a seat by Bill. When Sirius passed by me he commented on how I change my hair more often that some people in the room, he looked pointedly at Snape, change their underwear. I laughed loudly then stopped. I must've seemed like a kid compared to everyone else. Snape sneered at me though I doubted he knew he had been the butt-end of the joke.

It was during this meeting that Snape divulged that Voldemort was seeking a prophecy from the Department of Mysteries. He thought it contained information that would be useful to his cause. There wasn't more information on who/what the information was about, but that didn't matter. We needed to stop the Death Eaters from getting it. They had layouts of the Department. Those were top-secret as far as I knew. A bit into the meeting, there was a low rumble from upstairs. Remus looked up and frowned. It sounded like Harry was having a go at Ron and Hermione. Snape continued through his report while Moody went through his explanation of the guard duty we'd be doing at the Ministry. It seemed that he had been doing an alternating vigil there with Podmore up until that night.

After the meeting Harry, Ron, Hermione, Ginny, Fred and George came into the kitchen followed closely by Molly. Dinner that night was fun and lively. Things calmed down into a lull until Sirius prodded Harry into asking about Voldemort. The chaos broke out. Molly and Sirius seemed to be the main vocalists in this fight. Arthur and Remus mediated. When the adults stopped arguing, Molly escorted Ginny to bed, and Harry started asking questions. Sirius let too much information out, but Remus seemed to cover it up. Molly announced that the kids had to go to bed soon after that. Sirius and Remus started in a whispered argument until he returned. I didn't get why they were whispering. Everyone left in the room was right there. Bill excused himself to go, and Arthur went to bed.

I decided to follow suit and go. Remus got up and said he'd walk me out. I smiled appreciatively. When we were descending the steps to the street and saw the house disappear I asked, "How do you think it went tonight?" Sirius looked around and said he thought it went well. "I guess that luck helped then." I said smiling at Remus, who did not return my smile. He looked grim.

"About that." He started slowly. "I think it's best if we're just friends. Nothing more. I'm. I'm a werewolf." He said lowering his head as if he couldn't bear to look me in the eyes and tell me this.

I put my hand on his face and raised it up so I could see into his eyes. "I know that, and if bothered me I wouldn't be here." I paused for a moment then hugged Remus tightly around the waist. I looked up at him and said, "If I was trying to be more than your friend, you'd know it by now."

Remus laughed, "You're more like Sirius than you know." I smiled waved and disapparated back home. My dreams that night were filled with Remus wearing a "just friends" shirt saying "excellent" about everything in the world but me, and Moody who was giving a seminar on his left buttocks while watching me from afar. The strangest part of my dream was when Moody force-fed me Veritaserum and asked if I liked Remus or him more. Not one of my more restful nights.

A/N: I'm soooo sorry this dragged on! I don't like writing parts that include chunks from the books, but there was some good flirting there.


	4. Elton John and Freckles Take one

To my growing displeasure, I wasn't able to see Remus everyday. He was working in the Department of Magical Creatures. He was spying on Macnair, a known Death Eater. Sirius told me that he wasn't being paid a pittance by the Ministry, but the Order paid him enough for him to get by. I still went to Grimmauld Place on an almost daily basis. I started Guard duty outside of the Department of Mysteries so I did a lot of stints where I'd be up for a few days at a time.

My long stays outside of the Department of Mysteries gave me time for introspection. I couldn't quite explain my pull towards Remus. I knew he didn't want anything more than a friend, but that didn't deter me like it usually would. Maybe it was just that he wasn't the typical hornivore-guy. His interest in me (and mine in him) seemed to be based in laughter, respect and a mutual seeting. Usually I only shared a physical attraction with guys I had flings with. My past relationships always started and ended quickly. I figured that Remus was a passing fancy. Oh, the lies we tell ourselves in the middle of the night! Occasionally my mind floated over to Moody. He seemed more my type. Awkward, uncouth at times but he was standoffish. The last one definitely was not a trait I went for in my men.

Moody would often come relieve me in the morning. He was ideal for this, especially since he could see through invisibility cloaks. I asked him if he could see through clothing and if he used that to his advantage at times. He shook his head, as if he thought it an absurd question. Then he said "Aren't you getting a bit up there in age for that color bra?" I rolled my eyes and walked away wondering if he really knew I was wearing a bright pink bra with stripes.

One of the days when I was at the Ministry before my shift, I went to the Hall of Knowledge to do some reading. I was curious about werewolves. A passing fancy, I told myself. I asked the clerk there where I could find a book on lycanthropes and their sexual behavior. The clerk blinked at me for a moment and asked, "You want to know if we have a book on shagging a werewolf?"

I glared at him and said quite threateningly, "Look, do you have a book or not? He glanced at my Auror badge and gulped. He got up and led to me a small section about werewolves with books called _Risks and Dangers of Socializing with Werewolves_ and _The Lycanthrope will Tear out Your Throat_. I took a look around the area. Not all the books were so one-sided. One new book on the benefits of Wolfsbane potion said that with the potion, werewolves were only regular wolves and were not dangerous. I took quite a few of the books back to my desk for a bit of lunchtime reading.

Scrimgeour seemed to notice my increased exhaustion and came by my desk more often that usual. He asked me odd questions about my pastimes and my friend base. I was tempted to tell him to bugger off, but I figured it wasn't a good idea to say that to the head of my department. I instead asked why he had a sudden interest in my social-life. He stated that he wanted to keep tabs on some of his junior employees, for morale purposes. I noticed he was hovered around Kingsley more often than usual also.

Between regular work and work for the Order, I thought I might collapse from exhaustion. Dumbledore had me doing four nights of Guard duty in a row. After the second night of being on duty, Scrimgeour summoned me to his office. He was eyeing me like a parent does when they catch their kid in a lie. I was quite familiar with that look from my parents.

"Nymphadora, I must say I'm concerned about your behavior at work." He started with a fatherly tone. "I've noticed you're always tired here and you've become a bit sloppy in your performance." I made to say something, but he held up a hand. "Even more, I went to your apartment last night to drop off some worked I needed done, and you weren't there. Your neighbor said you didn't spend much time there anymore."

I worked hard at not showing the disgust I felt. "I have been busy…" I tried to think of something that would explain my behavior; then it came to me. "I've been staying at my boyfriend's house. I… don't want to just move over, 'cause you never know how those things turn out." I forced myself to blush.

Scrimgeour looked skeptical but didn't push the matter. "Well, in that case, you'll want to spend some more time sleeping over there and not busy with—" he coughed slightly "other things." I promised that I would and left to go die at my desk.

It seemed like I was dead on my feet. After the third night of Guard Duty, I left with hardly a word to Moody and left a note for Kingsley that I'd be out sick that day. He was my immediate supervisor after all. I disapparated from his cubicle. I didn't want to risk being seen in the Atrium. I remembered that it was Harry's hearing that day, so I went to Grimmauld Place. Sirius and Lupin were in the Kitchen with Molly and Arthur when I got down there. They all looked sleepy. When they caught sight of me, they offered me a chair.

Molly offered me coffee. I declined; I didn't want to be awake anymore. Sirius appeared too worried to converse. Remus and Arthur were talking about Macnair. Remus said that Macnair was close-mouthed about his recent trip. Macnair gave me the creeps and I told Remus that. Harry walked in a bit later looking extremely pale-faced. I said my usual hi and Molly bustled away to get Harry some breakfast.

Molly started in on Harry's hair. His eyes opened widely. The cold water seemed to be a shock. Then I remembered. "Scrimgeour is asking some odd questions lately." I said to Remus. "We'll have to be more careful around him." I yawned loudly. "I have to tell Dumbledore that I caaaaa-aaan't do Duty tonight, I'm just too tiii-iired." I said stifling a few yawns. Arthur offered to take it for me. I was grateful.

Harry wasn't looking up from his toast, much less talking to anyone. We all looked over at Harry feeling pity for him. Remus comforting him by saying that the law was on his side. I told him that Amelia Bones is fair, which she always has been. Sirius seemed to spew out his advice by telling Harry to control his temper. A valid point if you ask me. Arthur said they should go and left the kitchen.

Remus turned to me and asked what Scrimgeour was asking Kingsley and me. "Well, I don't know what he's asking Kingsley. He's just been haa-anging around his desk. He took me into his office and told me my performance was slipping and—" I yawned more. "He said that he stopped my flat to give me work and I wasn't there, and my twit of a neighbor said he hadn't seen me around."

Molly and Sirius looked concerned, as did Remus. He rubbed his chin contemplatively. "What did you say in response?" He asked eyeing me wearily.

"I said I've been staying at my boyfriend's house. I acted really embarrassed, but I don't know if he bought it." I scowled slightly. I felt my eyelids shut slightly and rubbed them to see if I could wean a few more minutes to talk. Molly, Sirius and Remus were watching me as if they expected me to konk out right there.

"You should go to bed, Tonks." Remus said taking my arm and pulling me up. "You can stay in my room, I'm off to work." I followed Remus up the stairs passing Hermione and Ginny on the way. Remus had his arm around me, guiding me up the stairs. We even avoided the troll leg. After some more stairs, he opened a door and led me to the bed. He pulled back the covers and I sat down to take off my shoes.

"Why don't you stay with me? I hate sleeping alone." I said groggily. Remus seemed frozen to the spot. I reached out and grabbed his hand. "Please Remus." He looked as if he was going against his better judgment but slipped his shoes off and crawled awkwardly into bed with me. Then he got up and paced the room. "What are you doing?" I asked.

"I have to send a note to work." He said rifling for some parchment. He muttered what he was writing as he wrote it, "Stomach flu, be in midday." Then he tapped it with his wand and it disappeared with a crack. Remus sighed looking at me. I could tell he was apprehensive but I wanted to cuddle with him and he seemed to have a weakness for sleepy women. Remus got back into bed and put his arm around me in a stiff way. I nuzzled up next to him, kissed him on the cheek and said that I'd sleep great now.

I woke up a few hours later; Remus was still nestled against me. I felt at home in a weird indescribable way. I rolled over in bed and watched Remus sleeping. I noticed some scars that weren't quite visible from normal talking distance. I supposed they were from his transformations. I read that some scarring was normal. I reached up and gently brushed some hair out of his eyes. Remus smiled and said in a hoarse voice, "For someone who was falling asleep at the table, you're sure awake now."

I grinned and replied, "Two people sleeping together results in 4 times the rest."

Remus rolled his eyes jokingly. "More of your Auror Training I see." Then his face grew slightly more lined and he asked seriously, "Why don't you like to sleep alone?" I gulped looking up at him.

I hadn't really explained this odd quirk to anyone; no one had asked. Most guys took it as me being forward. While I had felt a hard buldge that wasn't Remus' wand, he didn't try to capitalize on the situation. "Our house was raided when I was young. Just about to go to Hogwarts." I felt my eyes sting with tears. "Death Eaters." Remus was looking at me intently.

"Did they…" He started but I shook my head. "What happened?" He asked his eyes full of concern.

"They were just there to threaten my Mum for being married to my Dad. I think they were there on my Aunt's orders. They did come into my room, but I changed myself to look like a boy. One of them levitated me in the air by my ankle. I shrieked and they said I was a sissy git. I know it wouldn't help during something like that, but having someone with me at night does help me sleep." When I finished Remus had an angry look in his eyes but it softened quickly.

"It makes sense to me." Remus said honestly. He reached under his pillow and pulled out a bunny rabbit with satin-lined ears. "My parents gave it to me after I was bitten. I had nightmares every night." He handed me the careworn rabbit and I looked it over carefully. "His name is Freckles, though he has none." Remus said with a tender look on his face. I had the feeling that Freckles was not introduced to many people.

"He's darling." I said kissing Freckle's forehead. "I sleep with a pillow named Elton John." Remus laughed. "What? My dad's a fan." I smiled feeling surprisingly light-hearted after having divulged something like that. Remus noticed the time and had to be responsible and go to work. I headed home and didn't worry about work till the next day.

I got to work a bit early the next day. I wanted to get a jump start on things that piled up from the day before. I put my rucksack down on my desk; it was open so the books slid out a bit. I couldn't be bothered to fix it. I started in on some memos in my in-box. There was one saying that all sick-days and other days-off must be cleared by the Head of Department. I rolled my eyes and put it in the circular file. I looked up as a witch from across the way said she was glad I was doing better today. I said an awkward thanks. I wasn't sure exactly what Kingsley told people about me being gone. I made a mental note to ask him.

I went back to reading my mail. I had a few things to look into that day, most of it involved pretending to look for Sirius. Kingsley requested my help in the search for Sirius. It was nice; we collected information and wrote reports on Sirius' behavior. I didn't look up until I heard someone sit down in the extra chair in my cubicle. I turned around, it was Dawlish. He gave me the creeps.

"Nice to see you're doing better." He said while his eyes slowly worked their way up and down me. I withheld a shudder and managed a smile that probably better resembled a grimace. "I heard that we're dating, my little vixen." He said in what he considered a sexy voice. When I didn't answer Dawlish grabbed the books I had on my desk. "Werewolves? I didn't know you liked half-breeds."

I stood up, muttered a harsh "You wish, then I might consider you." and made to leave my cubicle when Dawlish stood up and used his arm to block the way. "Let me pass." I said, my nostrils flaring.

"Not until you tell me who you're dating." Dawlish said in a low voice. I took my wand and pointed it at his crotch.

"You'll let me go or I'll curse off what little you have down there." I snarled at him. Kingsley walked by reading the _Prophet_. Without really looking up he barked that he wanted to see me in his office. Dawlish let me pass and I had half a mind to jinx him.

I followed Kingsley to his cubicle. He was lecturing me the whole way about not coming in. Then he said in a low voice, "Is he still pestering you?" Then said loudly, "You really need to up your performance."

I nodded and said, "Yes, I realize it's a problem, but I'm working on it." Then I whispered, "He won't leave me alone." Kingsley nodded and said he'd see what he could do. I went back to my cubicle and got started on my workload for the day. I was glad that the office was usually bustling with people. Dawlish worked on the other side of Auror headquarters and he knew better than to make his harassing trips while there were witnesses.

Dawlish managed to creep me out again when I was leaving work. As I walked out he whispered "Say hi to your beau for me." I pretended I didn't hear him but I could feel his eyes on me the whole way out. I went home that night, a bit preoccupied with my day. I decided to forgo a trip to Gimmauld Place. I didn't want to track in my sullen mood. I got home and kicked my shoes into a corner. I looked around and thought I should really pick up, but I was too tired.

I thought about visiting my parents for dinner. I was horrible at cooking. Take-out sounded good. I grabbed a muggle outfit and started to change when I heard someone outside my door. No one from the Order knew where I live; well, no one visited me at least. I stood in a dark corner with my wand at the ready. I heard a voice utter "_Alohamora_" and my door opened slowly. As the light let in from the hallway, I saw the outline of Dawlish's face.

He poked his head in saying "Are you here, my love?" When I didn't answer he came in and looked around. He started to look through the things on my coffee table. He smirked when he saw my copy of _Witch Teen_ and then scowled slightly he looked in my rucksack. He pulled out the books I had from the Hall of Knowledge, thumbing through to see what pages I had marked. Then he got up and turned around. I was right behind him with my wand thrust at him like a knife.


	5. Faux Relationship

"What in the name of Merlin are _you_ doing _here_?" I asked vehemently. Dawlish looked at me, a startled expression on his face. He looked over at his wand; it was lying carelessly by a magazine. "_Accio!_" I said reaching out for his wand as it zoomed towards me. Dawlish made an attempt to grab it mid-air but failed. In what appeared to be an act of desperation, Dawlish tackled me to the ground. Our wands flew out of my hand and landed a few feet away from my reach.

"Get the bloody hell off me! I'm reporting you to Scrimgeour!" I screamed struggling under his weight. He put his hand over my mouth and said he was there because of Scrimgeour. He laughed saying he knew I'd like it like this. My eyes widened in disbelieving horror. I put my hand to his neck trying to choke him. He let off me enough that I was able to kick him hard enough to make him yowl in pain and stumble backwards. I went for my wand and stunned him. I felt desperate and cold. I grabbed my cloak, rucksack and a set of clothes for the next day. I was going to stay with Sirius and Remus. I sent an owl off to Kingsley telling him what happened and that I'd be with Remus.

A good ten minutes later, I burst into the kitchen at Grimmauld Place. Sirius hadn't been in his room and neither had Remus. Sirius was pouring himself a drink. I looked around and Remus' absence was rather conspicuous. "Where's Remus?" I asked forgetting my own distress.

"At his place." Sirius said looking at me. "What's wrong?" He sat his mug down and said in a serious tone. "Nymphadora, what's wrong?"

"I was attacked." I said quickly. "By that dunderhead Dawlish. But, why is Remus at his place?" I asked. Sirius looked up as if looking at the sky. I gasped. "I forgot that was tonight. I should go there."

"No." Sirius said abruptly. I asked if he was dangerous. Sirius said, "No, but he wants to be alone—" I had my wand out again. Sirius looked startled.

"Tell me where he lives." I said in a low threatening voice. Sirius pulled out his wand but kept it at his side.

"He doesn't want people there." He said, but then he looked at the determined glare in my eyes and said, "Oh fine. He lives in the outskirts of London. Strider Lane. Number 3." I tore out of the kitchen and left the house with haste. I knew Remus would be upset with me for going to his place, especially when he was transformed. I wanted to be with a friend that night and I imagined he needed the same.

I arrived in an alley near his street with a crack that scared away some cats. His house was dark. I knocked though I knew he wouldn't answer. I tapped my wand on the handle and the door opened. I entered slowly whispering "Remus, it's me." I heard growling and a bark from the corner. I lit my wand to see. A large wolf stood a few feet away with its hair sticking up on end. "Remus…" I sighed. "I had to come, please don't be mad." I closed the door behind me.

It felt strange talking to Remus as a wolf, mainly because I was use to his gentle words and sound advice. Remus seemed to sense I was slightly distraught. He came up next to me and bit my sleeve, walking me into the living room. I sat down near the fireplace and started a roaring fire. "Oh Remus, I had a horrible day." I said after sitting down. Remus laid down next to me with his head on my knee. I started feeling tears in my eyes. I told him about Dawlish being a prick at work, then how he broke into my flat and assaulted me, and then how Sirius was when I went over to his place. I left out the part about Dawlish finding my Werewolf books; I thought Remus would think it was weird.

"I don't want to go home tonight." I sobbed. "Can I stay here?" I looked into Remus' wolfish eyes they looked angry but then they softened and looked welcoming. Remus wagged his tail and barked. I smiled drying my eyes. I sat with him near the fire and I talked more. I told Remus about Dawlish. "Biggest mistake, ever." I said disgustedly. "I went out with him once. _Once_. And he won't leave me alone. It's been about a year and a half too. I didn't even kiss him." I huffed loudly. "And I made it clear that I didn't want to see him after the first date. He's a fascist jerk. He started in on muggle-borns others who are '_less worthy'_ of a wizard's life. I hexed him before I left the bar." I sighed loudly. "I really need to report him, but I think Scrimgeour will take his side."

I droned on about Scrimgeour, how he knew my dad and I thought he didn't think much of me. Remus laid there with his head in my lap, occasionally making eye-contact. I petted him absent-mindedly. I felt a bit egocentric talking about myself for so long, but Remus' eyes clearly told me he was intrigued. Then I started in on how I could keep my flat safe. "It's not that I'm scared about sex, but rape is different, and if he can get in that easily… I'll have to look up some security charms. I'm sure they have something in the Hall of Knowledge." Remus wagged his tail excitedly.

Apart from Remus not being able to respond, talking to him as a wolf was just as comfortable as talking to him any other time. I soon became very tired and yawned. "Where's the couch?" I asked. I didn't want to take over his house. Remus yipped at me, ran into his bedroom, and jumped on the bed. I grinned. "Well I didn't want to make any assumptions." I called, grabbing my rucksack and following.

Remus was watching me intently until I started to change for bed. He looked the other way. I didn't think to warn him. When I was in my PJs (a t-shirt and a pair of boxers), I told him it was ok to look. I climbed into bed with him scratching his head and back. He rested his head on my chest and sleepily closed his eyes.

I woke up the next morning and started slightly. I forgot where I was; then I saw Remus' head still on my chest and smiled. Then I noticed something. I lifted the blanket slightly to check… he was naked. I thought about it for a minute and it made sense. Wolfs don't have clothes on, so he was probably naked all night. I rubbed his head some, doing so rather absent-mindedly. "I'm not a wolf anymore." He said dryly. He smiled weakly. Then he came to his senses and realized that he was naked in bed with me.

Remus jumped out of bed taking a blanket with him. I looked away. It wasn't my first impulse, but I wanted to respect his sense of decency. When I chanced a glance towards Remus, he was in his boxers pulling on a shirt. He had a tired, pale look. I could see some abrasions on his skin. I moved closer to him putting out a hand cautiously. "Will you be ok today?" I asked. He nodded and pulled me into a tight embrace.

"I'm so sorry to hear about last night and that Dawlish." Remus said quietly. "I'll go with you and look for books about securing your flat." He paused for a moment and said, "Why did you come here though?" He let go of me and stepped back to see me better.

"I was going to stay at Grimmauld Place, but you weren't there and Sirius told me you transformed…" I started. Even in my head, the next part sounded cheesy, but I said it anyways. "I didn't think you should be alone during the full moon. Well I wanted to be here for you, for support." In what otherwise could have been a romantic moment, my stomach gurgled. "You look just as famished as I feel." I said tearing myself away and walking towards the kitchen. I opened a few cupboards until I found his pantry. There's wasn't much there, but he had oatmeal. In a moment of domestic clarity, a rare one at that, I put some oatmeal and brown sugar in two bowls and poured some piping hot water out of my wand. I tried a taste of mine and to my surprise, it wasn't horrible. I also made a cup of tea for Remus. I levitated the bowls and carried the tea to his small kitchen table. Remus had a mildly surprised look on his face.

"Oh, good, the kitchen didn't explode." He said chuckling. I rolled my eyes and said something about making other things explode. I paused for a moment wondering what in the heck I meant by that. There was a knock at the door a bit into breakfast and Remus got up, wand in hand, to answer. From the deep voice carrying in, I knew it was Kingsley.

"Wotcher, Kingsley!" I said merrily. Then I realized the awkwardness of the situation. Remus muttered something about needing to get dressed. "You got my owl then?" I asked trying to keep my usual upbeat demeanor. The truth was that I was a bit nervous. I couldn't read Kingsley's expression though it looked like concern.

"I just came from the Ministry." He said looking aggravated. "I was there long enough to learn that Dawlish and Scrimgeour are going to say you invited him over and, well got cold feet." I scoffed loudly. "I know it isn't fair, but it's your word against his word."

"Why do you think he was in my house in the first place?" I asked. That was the thing that bothered me most of all. Maybe it was jealousy for my fictional boyfriend, maybe he _was_ spying for Scrimgeour… maybe he was a Death Eater.

Remus had emerged from his room, fully dressed and watching me intently. "I don't think Dawlish is a Death Eater." He said quietly. "From what you said last night, it's jealousy gone bad. When he said that he was there because of Scrimgeour, he probably meant that he was told you had a boyfriend by Scrimgeour. Not that he was sent by Scrimgeour."

Kingsley nodded in agreement and he opened his mouth then seemed to think better of saying what was on his mind. "We should get to the Ministry. I'll wait while you get dressed." I realized I was still in my pajamas and scurried off to the bedroom to change.

While I was in there I could hear Kingsley and Remus talking quietly. It sounded like Kingsley was inquiring why I was there and not at Grimmauld Place. Remus went through the explanation; Kingsley asked if 'anything' went on between us. Remus assured him that we were just friends, and he voiced (in a rather dejected way) that young women like me didn't pursue men like him. I had half the mind to jump out of the room in my knickers and tell him he was wrong, but I managed not to succumb to that urge.

I went to work with Kingsley, and despite the stares and the lecture he had to give me about proper conduct with Senior Aurors I only thought about Remus. Maybe I was just a nuisance and he was merely being polite. I couldn't get him out of my head. Most of the time men were something I didn't spend much time obsessing over. I didn't want to confess it to anyone, let alone myself, but I was falling in love.

My parents had me over for dinner on my next night off from Guard Duty. They didn't know about the Order. I was sure that they'd be supportive, but Dumbledore said even telling our loved ones put them at risk. Mom kept a close eye on me during dinner, as if expecting me to sprout a second head, which I tried once- not fun. I talked to them about work, leaving out Dawlish and his continued creepiness. I was thankful that Kingsley would walk by my desk whenever Dawlish lingered there.

"Any men in your life?" She finally asked as if I was planning on running off to elope the next day. I gave her a puzzled look. She usually didn't even acknowledge that I knew what men were. "Your Dad ran into Rufus Scrimgeour the other day." She said with a significant look. "He said you've been a bit off-beat at work. But then he explained why." Even Dad looked interested at this point.

"Oh, that." I said. "It's true." I said hoping they'd leave it at that. Naturally they didn't.

"Well, who is the bloke?" Dad asked. I could tell he was most eager for this piece of information. I took a large bite of potatoes so I could think. Kingsley and Moody would be hesitant to go along with any sort of charade like this. Bill Weasley was a viable option, but I was sure he had a girlfriend. Then I went with the person whose name first came to mind when we entered this conversation. Remus Lupin.

I swallowed loudly and said, "Well, he's a retired teacher. He does some work with the Ministry now. He's really kind. Great sense of hum—"

My Mom cut me off. "This isn't a personals ad!" She said briskly. "What is his name?" I said his name looking her straight in the eyes, which widened in shock. "Nymphadora Lynn Tonks! He's much too old for you, and- do you know who he associated himself with for years?" She said with a crack. Mom always felt ashamed about Sirius being accused and sent to jail for murder. She, like 98 of the Magical World believed him to be guilty. "_And_ I have it on good authority that he's a- a _werewolf_."

I slammed my fork down and said angrily, "What's that got to do with anything? He's safe when he transforms. And if it doesn't bother me, it's not anything for you to worry yourself about." I looked over to Dad who seemed to want to stay out of this argument. I pulled the card that always made my parents flinch. "If you can't accept him, I don't see any reason for me to come back here, ever." I said brutally.

My Mom blinked with surprise. It was my Dad who spoke, "Let's have him over for dinner. Next Friday." I didn't expect this. They never showed any interest in anyone else I mentioned dating. Then again, I never threatened alienation over anyone else either. Mom seemed to cool off after that. She even said she was excited to meet him.

I stopped by Grimmauld Place before I went home that night. I had to fill everyone in and ask Remus to be my pretend boyfriend. I explained the story to Molly, Remus, Sirius and Arthur. I couldn't believe how one lie spiraled so much. Remus looked leery of taking on this role. I took that as a "never going to be more than friends" sign. Sirius found it amusing, but he was surprised that Mom was upset about Remus being one of his friends. I explained how mention of his name in the house caused her to go to pieces. He looked slightly dejected.

"I don't see why you didn't say you were dating _Bill_." She said in a hopeful voice mothers get when they're talking about their single sons. I tried to explain my rationale, but nothing came of it. I didn't want to tell her that Bill's overtime was spent with a French woman. Dumbledore popped in a little after 11 that night. He had been eager to speak with me since my attack. I told him all that happened and I filled him in on the kink that came in the form of my parents. His eyes twinkled slightly when I told him that Remus would be my faux beau.

When I left that night, Dumbledore offered to accompany me out. I confessed to him that I felt I was doing a horrible job as a member of the Order. Dumbledore assured me that I was a wonderful addition to the Order; it needed a spark of youth. Then he smiled at me, his eyes twinkling. "I think it would be beneficial to, at some point, make your faux beau _vrai_. It's what you both want." He said enigmatically.

I didn't know how he knew I wanted that when I was ignoring that pang in my heart. "I… I don't think he'd like that as much as you say." I said quietly. I always felt unequal to Remus in terms of intellect and talent. I didn't think I was the type of woman he could love. I looked up and said to give it time, then vanished.

A/N: Please read/review! I love feed back!


	6. The Unexpected

Word seemed to spread through the Order like wildfire that Remus and I were pseudo-dating. Even Moody gave me a hard time about it when traded shifts in the morning. I laughed at Moody's remarks and said he better keep his eye away from my bedroom. He did what I thought was a grin.

No one at work, aside from those in the Order, were privy to the name of my supposed love-interest. I was thankful when Dawlish decided to lay-off. I think Scrimgeour finally said something to him about his behavior. I noticed that he would stare avidly whenever he passed by, but the lewd remarks stopped.

Molly invited me (via Arthur) to dinner that Wednesday. It was nice to see everyone when I wasn't upset, making up a spectacular lie, or otherwise distressed. Dinner was a merry event. I asked Harry a bit more about his broomstick. Fred and George were talking in covert whispers about something; I had a suspicion that it was something that would cause another yelling match between them and Molly. It appeared that the kids didn't know about Remus and me. I wasn't in a mood to tell them either. Hermione asked me what I do at work, and I explained that I pretend to hunt for Sirius. Then looking around I realized he wasn't there.

"Where is Sirius?" I asked looking around. Harry's face seemed to fall slightly then said that he was up with Buckbeak. Sirius came down 20 minutes late. He was trying to look cheery, but he looked manic. The rest of us chatted about different topics of interest. I entertained Ginny and Hermione by changing my hair to different people's hair. Even Ron laughed when I sprouted a long white beard.

Later on when the kids went to bed, Remus sat down next to me and handed me a cup of tea. I thanked him and took a sip. It was perfect. Molly excused herself and went off to bed, Arthur followed close behind her. "I think we should go over our story." Remus said without any preamble. I had been contemplating this since Dad invited us over. We made up a list of things we should know, including where we met, things we like to do together. Sirius suggested we say shagging; Remus and I didn't want to go with that one. I noticed Remus' ears glowing red after that comment.

Remus and I were almost done with our list of information about 'us' when Sirius asked, "What about physical stuff?" I must have looked puzzled because he clarified, "Birthmarks, for one. Then snogging and what not. They'll at least expect you to hold hands."

"We're not going to snog in their living room." Remus said quickly. Sirius laughed loudly. He evidently found Remus' reaction to this idea quite amusing. Sirius went up to bed leaving Remus and I there to hash out the 'physical' aspect of our deception.

"I agree with you about the snogging." I said quietly. We were both huddled over the same parchment like two students reviewing for an exam. I glanced at Remus, seeing the worry lines on his face. "Thank you for doing this." I said softly.

He looked at me; I felt like I could have fallen into his eyes. Our faces were mere inches apart when Molly came down the stairs in her bathrobe on. She let out a gasp of surprise. "Sorry, I thought everyone was in bed." She said blushing slightly. "I left my book down here." She grabbed it and left. Our gaze, broken after Molly came in, returned to the parchment.

"Some kissing, though nothing drastic, would be expected." Remus said matter-of-factly. Then he added, "And you don't have to thank me, I'm happy that I can help." I smiled up at him; he took my hand and held it in his. He held it tenderly, rubbing it with his thumb, and gave it a squeeze.

"Do you want to come back to my place tonight?" I said softly in his ear, desperately hoping he'd agree. Our eyes met and I saw the same desire in his eyes that was devouring my heart. I leaned in to kiss him and he didn't try to stop me. His hand was soon resting against my face so that his fingers were on the back of my neck and his thumb caressed my cheek.

I couldn't quite tell you how long we were kissing. Then with the abruptness of a strike of lightning, he pulled away. "I-- we can't do this." He said in a pained voice. "It's fine that we're 'dating,'" he even did air-quotes, "But it's not a good idea to really date. I'm—"

"You're what?" I asked heatedly. "Too old? A werewolf? That doesn't matter to me, Remus." I felt crushed. I couldn't understand why he was using age and his wolfishness as reasons for us not to be together. I decided that it must be _me_ he didn't like. I was quite sure of it. "I should go." I said in a timid voice. I felt ashamed for raising my voice. I tapped the parchment and muttered "_Duplicus_." I walked out with the extra piece of parchment I made, my head bowed slightly.

I was severely distracted at work the next day. It seemed that Remus would only spend time with me on a 'friend' basis. His eyes kept telling me otherwise. I wanted to see him again before we went off to see my parents the next day. I sent him a memo. "Hall of Knowledge, after work, Friday." There was a few hour gap between getting off work and seeing my parents. I knew he'd meet me there. He and I still hadn't looked up books on securing locations. I thought making it unplotable was a tad extreme, but there had to be some practical solution to my Dawlish problem.

He sent back a note saying he'd be there. The prospect of seeing Remus in a setting where we could talk carried me through my long night on Duty. Moody came in to relieve me in the early morning. I went to change my clothes; I turned and told him not to watch, grinning slightly. Work went remarkably better that day. Scrimgeour even said he appreciated the upswing in my work. I smiled until he turned away. Then I considered blowing a raspberry behind his back.

I left 20 minutes early; I wanted to get there first. I stopped by a bathroom to check my hair. It looked fine. Then I questioned myself as to why I was trying so hard to impress a man who wanted to be 'just friends.' I hated that phrase. I marched into the Hall of Knowledge and ignored the clerk. He wanted a word. I wasn't in the mood for more werewolf shagging jibes. I had returned all of the books but the one called _Physiology and Sexuality of Werewolves_. It had diagrams.

Remus wandered in some 10 minutes later. He walked up to the clerk and asked if he had seen a young woman with bright pink hair. "Oh, the one with the book on shagging werewolves?" The clerk said loudly. "She's over there." I could have hexed the man's ears off. Remus came over, a smirk playing on his face, and sat down. Judging by his lack of questions about my werewolf book, he didn't know I overheard the idiot-clerk. 

We went through quite a few books together. We didn't find anything that struck me as feasible, though a few were quite amusing. We settled on some good jinxes and if all else failed, I'd stay with Remus. That made me secretly hope someone broke in at least twice a week. "Oh, and I'm coming over ever full-moon." I said. It wasn't a question, or a request. I had been thinking it over, and I abhorred the idea of Remus being alone during that time. "I'll even bring food." I said smiling. I gathered, mainly from my books, that raw steak is all he'd need while he was a wolf. Remus looked as if he had some objections but didn't voice them. He agreed.

We apparated near my parent's house and stood next to each other on the walk up to the house both feeling nervous. I straightened Remus' collar and ran my hands down his sleeves, taking out the creases a bit. "How many guys have you brought home?" he asked an anxious look on his face.

"You're the first." I said taking his hand in mine. He smiled somewhat nervously. We walked up to the house. I took in a deep breath as I knocked on the door. My Mom answered with a doll-like smile on her face; it was somewhat forced but still passable as nice. We sat down for tea. Dad and Remus talked about the Ministry. I chimed in when they mention something to do with the Auror's office. I was quite content sitting next to Remus, our hands interlocked.

Mom got up a bit into our visit and said she had to check on dinner. "Would you like to help me, Nymphadora, dear?" I let go of Remus' hand and gave his knee a quick squeeze before following Mom into the kitchen. I stood behind the kitchen door listening to Dad tell Remus, "I haven't seen Nymphadora look this happy in quite a long time." To which Remus responded, "She's the one that's brightening up my life."

I turned around to see Mom fussing over a salad. "What do you think?" I asked tentatively.

"I should add another tomato." She said contemplatively. I rolled my eyes. "Oh, you mean about Remus?" I nodded. "He is nice, everything you said." She said nicely. I had the feeling she was reserving her full judgment for later.

We sat down to dinner a bit later. Remus looked rather impressed by the spread. "The food looks wonderful." He said appreciatively. 

"You probably don't get much in terms of cooking from Nymphadora." Dad chuckled. I grinned; Mom looked ashamed of having a daughter that couldn't cook.

"Actually," Remus said with a slight smile, "Nymphadora makes a great bowl of oatmeal." We all laughed, well, minus Mom. If there were a Dementor that sucked out a person's sense of humor, I would suspect it to have gotten to Mom. It was a bit strange for me to be in a group where everyone called me Nymphadora. I had to bite my tongue about that particular pet-peeve.

Dad took to Remus like a duck to water. Mom seemed to be resisting his quiet charm with difficulty. I wished that everything about that night were true. Remus and I dating him being introduced as my lover, but I pushed that thought to the back of my head. We left after dessert and walked a ways together before going to our respective flats.

"I think they like you." I said happily. That seemed like a stupid thing to say, considering we weren't really dating. I made a mental note to think, then talk. 

Remus had his arm around me as we walked away from the house, and continued to do so when we were out of site from the house. "Your parents are really nice. I see where you get your household skills from." Remus said, the corners of his mouth twitched. I laughed and said that I hoped he meant my Dad. We walked for a while around the neighborhood where I grew up. After a while, I said I should go home. Wanting to avoid another awkward "just friends" moment, I disapparated home to Elton John. At least he loved me.

I saw Remus a few days later at Grimmauld Place. Molly set a big to-do for Ron and Hermione. They were both named prefects. As a reward for his Prefect status, Ron received a new broomstick. He was raptly telling everyone and anyone about it. Molly gushed over Ron and Hermione. It really seemed to make her happier than I had seen in quite a while. Harry had a sulky look that night. He tried to be cheerful, but it wasn't working. Sirius had the same look of false cheer at the party.

I was seated in between Moody and Kingsley. The three of us got into a conversation about Harry not being named Prefect. Moody soon got up and was showing Harry something. It looked like a picture. Kingsley called over and to him. He wanted to see it. Moody thrust it at us; his magical eye followed Harry up the stairs. It rested at a spot upstairs. I wondered if it got stuck again. He muttered something about trouble and boggarts then rushed upstairs. Since Moody isn't a quick rusher, Remus made it up the stairs first. Sirius was close behind him. I stayed down in the kitchen with the rest of the gang. Our conversations paused for a few moments then picked up in full speed. Ron was _still_ going on about his broom.

Sirius, Moody and Remus came back downstairs after 10 or so minutes. Remus and Sirius looked pale; Moody seemed preoccupied too. I shot them a quizzical look, but Remus gave a small shake of his head, which told me "ask later." I didn't get a chance to ask him about it, but Moody filled me in later. Remus left to go to bed before I could talk to him about anything.

Going to King's Cross the next day was quite an event. Moody was in charge of the luggage; Molly, Arthur, Remus and to my surprise Sirius walked the kids to the station. I joined them a short ways into their trip. I was on my guard; I knew we were vulnerable. Sirius was being a prat by running around and barking. Remus looked extremely aggravated, as did Molly. When we arrived at the station, I sighed with relief; then I saw the Malfoys and became tense. I looked from Lucius' face to Sirius-the-dog and saw a gleam in his eye. He leaned over and whispered something to his son. I held back a dirty look. That man spoiled my Aunt Narcissa against muggle-borns and muggles. According to my mom, she had been on the fence about the whole deal before she paired up with him.

Ron, Harry, Hermione, Ginny, and the twins were about to board the train. I was a bit down to see them go; they had been great to get to know over the summer. I hugged Ginny and Hermione and said my goodbye; then I waved to the guys. Sirius hugged Harry on his haunches. I was tempted to tell him to knock it off, but quite a few people were watching the rambunctious dog. Molly whispered a harsh admonition at him. He seemed to disregard it altogether. Remus was beside himself. After the train departed and parents started to leave, Remus grabbed Sirius by the scruff of his neck and started in on a whispered lecture. They left together. I made a note to steer clear of Grimmauld Place that night. Molly and Arthur left together; they seemed a little punch-drunk. I imagine that their first night without the kids would be an exciting one. I turned and saw that Mad-Eye and I were the only ones from the Order still at the station.

"Do you want to do lunch?" I asked Moody. I was use to always being around people; I thought it'd be too much of a social shock to go from one extreme to another. Moody looked at me as if trying to decide if this was a cleverly disguised attack, or a genuine attempt to socialize. He concluded the latter and agreed.

As we were dressed as muggles, I thought it'd be nice to have a muggle favorite- take-out Chinese food. I ordered; Moody was a complete novice when it came to Chinese food. I suggested we take it back to my place; it was only a few blocks away. It was surprising how curious Moody was about the Muggle world. He wasn't outwardly inquisitive, but he always looked around, observing his surroundings. I noticed he would look me over every few minutes as if he were determined to memorize all of my features.

When I opened the door to my flat, I regretted bringing Moody there. It was a mess. I'm one of those people that takes their clothes off and they land where they land and remain there for a period. I took my wand out and waved it at my heap of clothes. They vanished into my closet. Then I realized that Moody could still see them if he wanted to. We sat down on my couch, using the coffee table instead of our laps. I turned on the WWN. There was a Public Service Announcement about eye-injuries. 

"How did you loose your eye?" I blurted out. Moody stared at me appraisingly. Then he took a bite of his General Tso Chicken and grumbled that he lost it fighting a Death Eater some 14 years ago. He told me the story in great detail. He was out rounding up some Death Eaters and was caught in a duel with two of them. It turned out that Moody had a lot of battle stories; he talked all during lunch. I asked him questions about each battle and some of his prominent scars. He was very intriguing.

Moody seemed like an old war hero. He had earned all of his scars as testaments to his bravery. I put my hand on his leg and said, "You are really courageous." I leaned in closer to Moody kissed him softly and I was surprised how responsive he was. He pulled me in to a deep kiss. Needless to say, I wasn't expecting things to go like that. Somehow, during my hours of passion with Moody, Remus kept creeping into my mind.


	7. Making Choices

A/N: _Ok, I realize I probably grossed out 97 of the people reading this, but... oh well? Um, for those of you who asked about it be a bit perverted- I know it's perverted, but so am I. cough I mean. Well I know people who wouldn't consider that age gap to be unthinkable among consenting adults which they are. Thanks to those who reviewed! And thanks for not spewing on the computer.  
_

I've learned that sometimes in life people such as myself act against themselves; not in harmful or self-destructive ways, but in lieu of what would truly satisfy a person, they go after a shadow of their desire. In my case, it was pursuing a man I didn't really want because I felt too intimidated by the one I desired. I clumsily hurt another man's heart, a good man, but not the one for me.

I can't really say what made it seem like a good idea. I think it was the subtle jokes, our mutual career path, and his ardent, penetrating gaze that gave me those weird goosebumps that don't have anything to do with the weather. I didn't think that I'd be the first woman to show interest in more than a long time; I didn't pause to consider that he was far more invested in our relationship than I was. To me, it wasn't as much a relationship as friends, sleeping together.

I lay awake a few nights wondering what I was doing. It's not that I didn't like Moody but rather I finally realized that I loved Remus. And yet I was sleeping with Moody. I felt ashamed and confused. I didn't know how Remus would react if he knew what I was doing. He didn't seem very judgmental, but he seemed like a bit of a prude. I didn't know if he cared for me enough to look past my flaws, and even more difficult to handle, my voracious appetite for sex. I had been with more men than I was proud to admit.

Meanwhile I spent my days at work, a few nights a week at the Ministry standing outside of the Department of Mysteries. Moody and I would take a few recreational minutes in between our respective guard duties each day. Moody wasn't a romantic man, but he was passionate. When I think of his ardent demeanor when talking about proper wand care, it pales in comparison to his passion in a more intimate setting. He was also innovative in ways that make the simplest spells seem brilliant… like _Wingardium Leviosa…_

The Order met less frequently now that things cooled down. Harry was well protected at school, which relieved us of half our work-load. I still went to Grimmauld Place frequently and I reserved full moons for Remus. There was one night soon after I started my fling with Moody when Sirius had a letter in his hand. He looked worried and contemplative.

"What's worrying you?" I asked settling myself into a chair. Sirius looked up at me; there were lines under his eyes. He thrust the letter at me and I read it. "Wow, he's had quite a week. Do you think that Hagrid is ok?" I asked worriedly. It didn't seem like Hagrid to be late for school, but Dumbledore wasn't preoccupied by his absence.

"He'll be fine…It's just—" Sirius looked bleak. "I can't go to Harry. He _needs_ me. I'm useless as a godfather. I think Molly was right about that." I hadn't ever seen Sirius look so depressed. He usually carried himself in an upbeat way, but everyone was down once and a while. I wished Remus were there; he was better at cheering Sirius up.

"This isn't permanent." I said consolingly. "Once You-Know-Who is out in the public you'll be able to go a free man. And I'm sure there are ways to communicate with Harry that wouldn't compromise you or him." Sirius looked at me with a dubious look. I had to admit, I didn't quite believe that one either. I decided to plow on with my words of comfort. "Harry has good friends that will stick with him through thick and thin."

Sirius did look a smidge cheerful after that. Then he took a good look at me. "Ok, now it's your turn. What's bothering you?" I pursed my lips slightly; feeling a bit upset that I was so transparent.

"It's nothing." I said not wanting to spill my guts to Sirius. I didn't think he'd understand. But, he gave me a look that said he wouldn't let this go. "Have you ever been with one person but wanted to be with another? Not in the sense that Person B is making you unhappy, but you're only with them to fill the void of Person A?" Sirius stared at me for a few moments. "Never mind." I said quickly.

Sirius held a hand up and said, "Yes, I know what that's like. All I can really say is that you're going down a dangerous and uncomfortable path. As you stay with Person B longer, you'll start to have more reasons to stay with them and not go for the person you're really pining for. You'll start to feel guilty for your feelings for Person A. Even worse is the feeling of leading someone into a relationship where you're only partly invested and the other person is there 100 falling for you."

Sirius finished with a look of regret and dived into a story where he had fallen for a girl at school, some Hufflepuff who was pretty and brilliant and unmoved by his advances. He had several other girlfriends, but he would have left any of them in a heartbeat for her. He said how he ended most of his relationships once the girls started in on the 'I love you's' and ended up hurting quite a few of them. When he was done, he looked at me and said, "So, who's Person A and who's Person B?"

I looked up, somewhat startled that he asked me. "I'm not going to tell you." I said abruptly. I didn't think he'd mind that I pined for Remus every night and wanted to lie in bed and run my fingers through his hair, but I didn't think I could bear his reaction if he learned that my substitute was Mad-Eye Moody. "What do you think is the best way out of this?" I asked earnestly.

Sirius gave me an uncommonly penetrating stare. "Is this Person A someone you'd really want to be with, more than anyone else in the whole-wide world and you'd give up one relationship without knowing if there'd be a next just of the shot of trying this out?" He paused, "In short, do you love him?" I nodded my head. "Then it's simple. End things with Person B. I'm sure he's a nice guy, but he doesn't deserve to be drug through this and have his heart torn out, and you should level with Person A."

I couldn't believe what good advice Sirius gave, being a rash man like he was. I didn't work the nerve up to break things off with Moody for a few weeks. He seemed to take it well. I explained that I wasn't looking for a relationship and I felt that I wasn't able to equal his devotion or commitment. I emphasized that he was a great man, and if things were different then, who knows. Moody hugged me tightly then told me, in a gruffer voice that usual, that he'd always be there to catch me when I tripped over myself. I left his house with a heavy feeling. I associated this feeling with having simultaneously having broken a man's heart and gave him false hope. I was quite sure that my feelings for Moody were sexual, whereas my devotion to Remus was, well love.

I decided to play the friend card with Remus. I didn't want to jump at him with my fangirl-like devotion and scare him off. I managed to find my way over to where he worked more often. I mean, we were still pseudo-dating. He seemed to notice the renewed attention from me and, from what I could tell, enjoyed it. As a friend, of course. I was relieved that Moody didn't start to go down the Dawlish road after we stopped seeing each other. Things went to how they were before, more or less.

In the first part of October, when the full moon reached its height in the sky, I made my trip over to Remus' house. The house was dark as usual. I entered without knocking. "Remus, it's me." I said into the darkness. I lit my wand. He came in from the other room. I scratched his head behind his ears. He liked that the best. Remus, showing uncharacteristic enthusiasm, jumped up and licked my face. I snorted laughing.

I took out Remus' dinner and sat down with him on his couch. I made myself some sandwiches and he chewed on a large, raw steak. While Remus' appetite changed quite a bit while he was transformed, it was obvious he kept his mind. After chowing down a raw steak, he would go and wipe his snout on a towel in the bathroom. It always made me smile.

I wasn't sure what about it he liked, but Remus always listened to me go on in a long monologue about my life. He seemed to find my "time at Hogwart's" stories amusing. I often abused Snape's teaching methods. I had him all the way through N.E.W.T. level. I was an open book with him. I even told him about my first kiss. "It was so embarrassing." I said clasping my hand to my forehead. "Hector Smith and I were dared to kiss. It was more like he was dared to eat my face. And his name was Hector." I laughed. "Not too many men are _really_ good kissers. I think I've had 4 _really_ good kisses. Well, five." I said decisively.

Remus sat up a bit and cocked his head at me. His interest was peaked, but I didn't have the heart to tell him that kisses in which the kissee pulled away could not be added to my list. That, and it would be slightly revealing to say that Alastor Moody was the number five. I knew Remus and I weren't dating when I was with Moody, but it still had felt like cheating.

I tried to cover the awkward silence with a loud yawn. Remus followed me into the bedroom and jumped on the bed. He still pulled the covers back for me. I saw him watching me undress that time. I didn't mind; I was glad to see him ease up around me. I got into bed. "You really should sleep under the covers." I said exasperatedly. Remus did the same routine each time we were together. He'd start off on top, then when then the moon set he'd crawl under. Remus got under the covers with me. His fur was more like a wool blanket than anything, but I didn't want to say anything about it. "You're better in bed than Elton John." I said smiling.

In the morning, as sure as the sunrise, Remus was nude. I smiled at the sight. His thinness did worry me at times, but I couldn't deny how handsome he was. Delicately built, he still carried quite a bit of strength in his build. I curled up next to him; he was sprawled out on the bed. His chest made a good pillow. Remus slowly opened his eyes and smiled. He seemed to give up his phobia of being seen in the buff. "How are you feeling?" I asked looking into his eyes.

"Better than usual," he said. "Having you here… it makes waking up easier." I smiled. I counted this as progress in destructing the 'just friends' barrier, which seemed to be more of a pest than the Berlin Wall. "Nymphadora," I huffed. Remus laughed. "I can't have you in my bed _and_ call you by your surname." He kissed my forehead. "You have no idea how much you being here helps me. It makes me feel more… more human when I transform." Remus pulled me close and held me. I let out a sigh of relief. I thought I had another 'we can't do this, blah blah blah' spiel coming at me.

"I would do anything for you. I always want to be your friend, Remus." I said, immediately thinking that one day soon I'd like to be more, but failed to voice that thought. My hand was idly rubbing Remus' back, then without really thinking I ran my hand down his side and up his abdomen. His body quivered slightly and he let out a quiet moan. I knew I was crossing into dangerous territory. I decided to hold off on the touching. Remus was still likely to give me that dreaded lecture. Again. I got out of bed to avoid the temptation to smother him right then and there with kisses and sexergy. .

"Do you want to go out with me on Friday?" Remus asked tentatively. I was changing and I looked over my shoulders at him. He looked oddly nervous for asking out a woman who slept in his bed on a semi-regular basis.

I smiled, turning around. I was careful to hold my t-shirt to my chest. "You mean on a date?" I clarified raising an eyebrow.

"As a friend-date." He said stubbornly. Anymore, it seemed that the friend status was just to keep his conscious clear. I repressed a laugh thinking of the day when we'd start having friend-sex or a friend-apartment together.

"I can't Friday. I have Duty. How's your Saturday?" I asked finally pulling my shirt on. Remus got up and started to get dressed. I let my eyes linger on him this time. He did watch me the night before.

"Saturday sounds great. Let's meet in Leaky Cauldron. 7 sound good?" I nodded, pulling my pants on and tripping over them onto the bed with a loud "aah!" Remus came over to help me up. He extended his hand and I took it, pulling harder than I should have, which caused him to topple on top of me.

"Ok I quit for today." I announced. "I'm just staying here." I took in Remus' face. He looked tired and very peaky but he smiled at me.

"I think you're doing just fine." Remus said his raspy voice. He seemed to realize that he crossed a friend barrier; he got up quickly and said he would make breakfast. I couldn't remember ever being so for a date. I hoped that it would be something to remember.

_A/N part 2: Sexergy sex+energy. FYI. _


	8. They went where?

A/N: _Thanks to my reviewers! Let me know what you think, I still have a few bumps in the road in terms of my plot. Anyone who wants to donate to "Buy toomanycurls a life" fund, let me know. Donations are appreciated. Oooh! The song quoted below is "Por Una Cabeza by Carlos Gardel. You should find it on youtube. _

I was unusually particular in my manner of dressing on Saturday. I didn't want to overdress, but I wanted to look nicer than usual. Ugh. It seems that I have too much clothing until I need to find "just the right thing," which is never something I own. I ended up wearing a set of blue robes, a nice dark blue color with an interesting pattern on them. I munched on some cheese and crackers to settle my stomach, and then I set off. The Leaky Cauldron was busy, even for a Saturday. I sat at the bar until Remus came up behind me, slipping his arm around my waist. I jumped slightly, knocking over a bowl of Cockroach Clusters.

"Remus! You scared me." I said smiling. "You look great." I looked him up and down, he was looking good, especially having transformed earlier that week.

"I'd be lying if I said you look great." Remus said smiling. I gave him a sharp look. "You are the most beautiful flower in the field. Great wouldn't do you justice." I grinned saying an awkward but sincere thanks. "I was thinking that we could grab some ice cream down the street and come back when they have music later." Remus said in my ear. The Leaky Cauldron was quite loud; it would have been difficult to carry on a conversation there.

We sat down a little later outside of Fortescue's Ice Cream Parlor. We shared a banana split with nuts. Remus watched me eat with the same intensity with which he watched me undress. "I couldn't help but notice," He started, his eyes still glued to my mouth. "That you change the subject when you start to talk about your dating history. Well, for anything that happened after your 6th year." He said with a smirk.

I gave him a hard stare; I wasn't quite sure what he as getting at. "I guess there are things that should be discussed in a setting where both people can talk." I paused for a moment to collect the words I wanted to say. "I feel a bit self-centered always talking about myself. I wanted to reserve some conversations for a time when you'd be able to tell me about _your_ stories too." I said with surprising eloquence.

Remus took a bite of ice cream. It dribbled down his chin a little. He let out a laugh before wiping it off. "I was just worried that you were scared to open up to me, or thought I would be too judgmental if you told me about things you considered private." Remus paused, collecting his thoughts. "I accept you wholly, and your past- including your sexual past, is just that. The past. I mean, wouldn't expect you to be a virgin." I raised an eyebrow; that was an intriguing statement. Remus caught the ambiguity of his statement and hurried to clarify. "I mean," He was blushing a bit now. "I wouldn't think anymore or less of you either way. If you were a virgin or had been with 50 men." He recovered nicely.

I wondered if that was the only reason he asked me out, to clarify my position on sexuality. I ate a few spoonfuls of ice cream before answering. I wasn't sure how to respond to that and that's all I could think to say. "I'm not sure what you want me to say…" I paused for a moment. "Next time it comes up in a conversation, I won't skate over the subject. I do prefer the _quid pro quo_ method to sharing." I smiled, so did Remus.

"Then ask me something." He said reaching out to hold my hand. I asked him if he had ever been in love, and with whom. "The first woman I fell in love with, where it wasn't just infatuation, was named Farah. I was 24, she was 20. We met doing a cataloging project for the Ministry. We dated for a year and half when she was sent abroad. We broke it off; her assignment was long term. Then she met a Warlock by the name of Zelmke, much older than she was. They fell in love and married. I've run into her a few times since she got married. She seems really happy. I think she was better off without me." He said the last part in a self-berating tone.

"Don't say that." I said severely. "Any woman would be lucky to have you." I said sternly. "You're the type of man that women spend their nights awake fantasizing about, doubting they exist. You're the type of guy they write those trashy romance novels about"

Remus smiled slightly. "Women stay up at night wishing for a- well, a person like me?" He asked in a skeptical tone. I nodded and said that I knew at least one woman who did.

Florean Fortescue came up to us timidly. "Sorry to push you out, but we are closing." I looked at my watch; it had been two hours. We got up and paid. As we left Florean said, smirking, "Be sure to send me an invitation to the wedding." Remus didn't respond to his remark, but thanked him for the ice cream.

The Leaky Cauldron had a band playing that night. They played a variety of jazz music. Remus asked me to dance. I accepted eagerly. I've never been a graceful dancer, but I loved upbeat music. We danced a number of songs together; our bodies brushed against one another in ways that made my stomach squirm with delight. When we sat down, both red in the face but enjoying our time, Remus went to get us something to drink.

A few minutes later, there was a tap on my shoulder. "That was fast." I said turning around. To my surprise (and disgust), Dawlish's sneering face was behind me. I stood up and moved back. "What are you doing here?" I asked with my hand on my wand. I eyed him critically; he was drunk.

"I just came here to have a good time and saw you with your mangy man." He said gesturing at where Remus had been seated. "I can't believe you'd go for a—a half-breed…" Then in a moment of clarity I thought impossible for him, "_He's a werewolf_." Dawlish said with a look of stunned comprehension.

I wanted to hit him, but before I could Remus returned with two drinks, eyeing the situation wearily. He sat the drinks down on the table and stood with his arm around me. "Anything I can help you with?" Remus said in a mild voice. Dawlish made to say something, which I knew would be a slander against Remus. So I balled up my fist and slugged him in the jaw. He stumbled backwards and darted to the bathroom. I was pretty sure he was going to be sick. Remus had a look of subdued surprise on his face. I kissed him on the cheek and said thanks.

We sat down and drank in silence for a few moments. Then Remus said, "I think you had his handled on your own." Then he smiled benignly. I muttered that Dawlish had been rude. Remus laughed. "So was breaking into your flat, but you didn't hit him quite that hard then."

At that thought, I felt panic creep through my body. "Remus, can I—?" My voice faltered and I lost the words I needed, but Remus caught onto what I meant.

"Of course you can." He said. "Anything to keep that creep away from you." We finished our drinks and left quickly. We didn't want another Dawlish encounter. I was excited to be staying with Remus that night.

Before we left for Grimmauld Place, we went to Hyde Park and people-watched for a bit. Considering the hour, there wasn't much traffic. There were some prostitutes, a few cops that walked by, then a streaker. It took Remus and I a moment to figure out what it was we were seeing. She was 16 or so, and had bushy curly hair. Just as she was about to leave our line of vision, she yelled something along the lines of 'the Mids are coming.' We both exchanged looks utter bewilderment, then broke into a bought of laughter.

We were still laughing about the streaker when we entered Grimmauld Place. Sirius was coming down the stairs. He had a look of dawning comprehension etched on his face. He looked from my hand, which was intertwined with Remus' hand, to my insipidly happy grin. "How'd it go?" Sirius asked with an eyebrow raised.

"Oh, things were great." I said chuckling. "There was a streaker." I paused, casting around for an explanation to my appearance there forgetting that it had been because of Dawlish. "And we had a slight run-in with Dawlish though." I said remembering to arrange my face into a worried expression. "Remus said I could stay with you guys."

"Do you want one of the spare rooms?" Sirius asked; he was being thick on purpose. He was suppressing a grin, one of the first ones I had seen on his face in a while.

"I'm staying with Remus." I said without blushing. Remus excused himself upstairs; he probably wanted to straighten up his room. Sirius was staring at me in a hard, calculating way. I fidgeted with a loose thread from my robes. A few minutes later, I went to follow Remus up the stairs when Sirius grabbed my arm.

"Just tell me one thing," he said in a low voice. "Is he Person A or B?"

I tore away from Sirius' grip and said coolly, "Remus is too smart of a man to be a Person B." I made my way to Remus' room and knocked. I felt a bit foolish knocking; I mean, he was expecting me. The door opened slowly. Remus was standing across the room, leaning against the hearth and, trying to look laid back. He had about ten or so lit candles dispersed around the room. I stepped in and shut the door behind me.

"You planned this." I said with a wide grin. I remembered some vague idea about us being 'just friends,' but that notion went out the window when he put a record on. A deep voice came out of the speaker. It was singing in what sounded like Spanish. "_Por una cabeza, todas las locuras, su boca que besa, borra la tristeza, calma la amargura_" I didn't know what significance the song held, but listening to it with my head resting on Remus' chest meant more to me than the lyrics possibly could have.

We danced slowly listening to several songs. Remus caressed the back of my head gently. I looked into his face and I wanted to freeze that moment and that feeling for the rest of time. I didn't think it could get better until— Remus kissed me. It wasn't one of our usual awkward kisses; it wasn't one that was riddled with guilty feelings, as most of our other kisses had been. It was passion, bliss, love, lust all packed into our lips.

The next morning we were both naked in bed together. We didn't have sex, but we did make love… in the poetic way. Our passion reached a moment in the night where having sex seemed like a moot point. We explored and learned one another's bodies. It had been erotic and satisfied a sexual place in me that hadn't been reached before.

I went down to the kitchen wearing a pair of Remus' flannel pajamas. I passed Kreacher on the way he was muttering, "All night they is making racket- that halfbreed and _her_." I managed not to laugh; then I realized that Sirius might have heard us. I felt bad; Sirius was lonely. I hated to imagine how long it had been since he was with a woman.

Sirius wasn't up yet. I started some tea and Remus was making waffles. We were laughing back and forth, joking about different events from the night before. Sirius made his way down at about 11. Remus and I were talking about an article in the _Prophet_. "Good Morning." I said cheerily. Sirius gave me a contemptuous look. "Or not, the 'good' part was only an idea."

"You guys could have been quieter last night." Then he said to Remus, keeping a serious face, "I can't believe you didn't use that silencing charm you and James use to use in the dorm when you were 'together.'" His face split into a smile. Remus laughed loudly.

"What is it with you guys and the homosexual overtones? Do you like people questioning your sexuality?" I asked half teasing, half wanting to know. They exchanged looks and broke into peals of laughter. It was just like primary school… oh the maturity. They couldn't stop laughing long enough to explain. They were both red in the face before I gave up and said we should get the place ready for the meeting in an hour.

I ran upstairs and changed into the robes I wore the night before. When I got downstairs, Mundungus was in the entryway. "Wotcher, Dung." I said waving. "How're the kids?" I asked after he said hi back. He smiled ruefully and said I'd have to wait to find out.

The rest of the Order that said they'd be there trickled in until it was 2 and the meeting started. Dung was quite eager to give his report. About five minutes into it Molly let out a loud, "_They went where?_" We had to hush her so Dung could continue. When he finished we all sat there slightly slack-jawed. Molly was the first to express her disgust.

"I know I can't tell them for myself, but, please tell Ron that I forbid him to partake in any such organization. And, well, tell Harry and Hermione that I don't want them to do it either, but I'm not their mother. Tell them I have their best interest at heart. Can you do that, Sirius?" Molly looked slightly desperate. Sirius straightened his back slightly and said he would.

Molly shot him a suspicious look, but stopped her ranting. I took up the conversation from there. "Assuming that they go ahead with this… what are the ramifications if they are caught?" I asked the group at large.

"Well…" Kingsley said looking thoughtful. "They could get expelled, in trouble with the Ministry. I know Fudge would consider that worthy of Auror involvement."

Moody spoke up next, "How do they know they can trust all those kids there? They might have had spies. All we need is for some brat kid to go and get all of them into trouble."

"I'm quite sure that Hermione thought of that…" Remus said, taking a moment to think. "She's so careful about everything. You'd be surprised how much work she puts into the simplest of homework assignments. I highly doubt she'd risk so much without taking precautions." I let myself drift into a daydream where I sat in on Remus' classes. I'd ask for private lessons, even if it was Transfiguration. Or even better, detention with Remus.

Hestia's voice snapped my mind back to business. "We'll have to wait and see how this turns out. They could have been a loyal bunch." Moody scoffed. "I would like to know what Dumbledore says about this." The group nodded in agreement.

"He sent a message through my Great-Great Grandfather's portrait saying that we should let things unfold as they are." Sirius said lazily. Dumbledore's laissez faire approach to the student group came as a shock.

Arthur cleared this throat and said, "I guess that's all we have to discuss." He stood up and stretched. "I have Duty tonight. I should go." He kissed Molly on the cheek and left with a few rolls of parchments. It looked like he was writing reports all night long. I have Remus a hug and a swift kiss on the cheek. I wanted to catch up with Molly before she left. I couldn't help but notice that Moody was shooting me a suspicious glare. I told myself that he gave everyone that glare.

I caught Molly by the door. "Molly," she stopped and turned to face me. "I was wondering… could you teach me how to knit?" I fiddled with the sleeve of my robes while asking her. I knew it was a weird request, but I had been wanting to learn for a couple of months.

Molly seemed a bit taken aback by my request; I think it was because of the who, not the what. "Sure, I'd love to. When do you have free time?" I said whenever and she invited me over that night. I wanted to learn how to knit a sweater to give to a certain someone for Christmas. Ok, It was still fall, but I had heard it takes forever to knit stuff like that.

We had a nice tête-a-tête while Molly showed me how to knit. She first showed me to do it by hand. I was a slow learner, but a couple of cups of tea later, I had a few pieces done. She showed me how to conjure the color I desired and how to check that the pattern was going alright. Molly insisted on lending me a few books on knitting by magic. A bit into my visit, she fixed me with a gaze only a mother gave give. "How are things between you and Remus?" She asked as if she was asking about Quidditch news.

"Oh, you know. We're just friends." I said in an unconvincing tone. Molly raised an eyebrow. "Well, I'd like to think that we're more than friends" I confessed. "Every time he even smells the word 'dating' he makes up all these reasons we can't/shouldn't/won't ever be more than friends." I said in a dejected voice. "Then he'll turn around and do something incredibly romantic and we'll… well" I cleared my throat a little. "Spend some time together that makes me feel he wants to be more than friends."

Molly let out a laugh. "Tonks, dear," She said grinning. "I've had seven kids; I think I can handle hearing the word 'sex.'" I laughed loudly.

Then I said, looking more at my knitting than her, "We haven't had sex, actually." I don't know why, but it was embarrassing to admit. "Our relationship, so far, has been 75 being friends. I mean, really being friends. He's my knight in shining armor on some days, my Casanova on others and my Shakespeare on occasion" I was smiling one of those dorky smiles people get when they're thinking about someone they care about. I tried hard to make it go away; I thought it made me look silly.

"Love can be like that sometimes." Molly said. I choked on my own saliva. "Yes, love." She said in a stubborn voice. "Don't try to tell me that's not it. I've seen it a hundred times and not just from you guys." Molly and I were up late into the night, chatting about men, love, and occasionally knitting.


	9. Remus and his Yoyo act

5

A/N: _Thanks to everyone for reading and reviewing. And if you're not in both of those categories, please get busy with the latter. Now :P _

It's been my experience that whenever love gets on a track towards happiness, everything falls through and trying to get it back is as futile. Remus seemed to be a pendulum. He would go a short while in relational bliss then start to distance himself, and then go into total alienation. The first time we went through one of these cycles it was beyond painful, but I couldn't give up on him.

During the bliss, we had a nice routine to our lives. On the nights I did not have Duty, we would eat with Sirius at Grimmauld Place. After dinner, we would hang out in one of the many rooms. We often played board games or discussed current events. Remus and I wanted to keep Sirius' spirits up. Sirius had a good time teasing Remus and I. He said I was only using him to gain access to his friends. I jibed back that he only had me over so he would have friends. I didn't stay over at Grimmauld Place very often. Remus came over and stayed with me on weekends.

We abstained from two things together. Sex and those three little words. It seemed that either of those would crumble what we had so carefully constructed. Even without those two facets in our lives, Remus became distant and often carried a self-loathing look on his face. He enjoyed his time with me, and I loved any time I got with him, but he looked as if he was disgusted with himself. Every time I asked him about his facial expressions, he brushed it off as indigestion.

Then one Saturday, we were at my flat. I was getting dressed. Remus came up behind me and hugged me, kissing my neck. "Tonks," I knew it was bad if he called me by my surname. "I, well, we can't do this anymore." I turned around, my eyes blazing with fury. "It's not a good idea." Remus' words had a practiced sound. "I care about you too much for us to—"

"For us to be together?" I asked fiercely. "Next you'll say how you're too old, too poor, and too…" I struggled for word. "Too dangerous for me." I said the last part rolling my eyes in frustration.

Remus blinked at me. "The thing is, I am all of those things. I can't bear causing any harm to you or letting you live with the stigma that's followed me my whole life."

I stomped my foot in anger. "_I don't care about those things_." I said for what felt 50th time. My eyes filled with tears. "Every time you say that, I feel like there's something I've done to upset you, or that I've disappointed you in some way."

"It's nothing like that." Remus said in an unusually stern voice. "There's someone out there better for you, and I'm holding you back from finding that kind of relationship." Remus hugged me tightly. "We'll always be friends. I promise." He let go of me and left.

I dried my eyes and paced my flat. I just didn't understand him! He had _planned_ a romantic night not two weeks prior to this. We hadn't argued or hit any bumps in the road… My mind was flooded with too many thoughts and emotions to think straight. I went to the Weasley's house. Molly was in the garden; Arthur was in his shed, probably fiddling with some muggle-device.

Molly looked up from the carrots she was pulling and her face, which had been hard with concentration, softened at once. "Tonks, what's wrong?" She rushed out to meet me. Arthur poked his head out of the shed and asked if everything was all right. "Yes, dear, I'll be inside." She led me inside saying soothing words to calm me down.

We sat down in their living room. Molly had a cup of tea for me in a matter of minutes. She asked me what happened and I bawled about Remus and his yo-yo act. Molly had a kind and understand look on her face. "He is being a bit thick about the whole thing, but I can understand his reasons." I looked at her in surprise. "He loves you." I made to interject but Molly held her hand up. "He loves you and he feels inadequate. He hasn't had the most fruitful love life. Most women reject him flat-out for being a werewolf. Remus doesn't want to hurt you, but I think he sees that as the inevitable end to your relationship. So, he's pushing you away before you get in so far that you get hurt even more."

I stared at Molly. What I had thought to be a simple problem of him being thick was far more complicated that it seemed. I sat up, my heart filling with hope and determination. "I know what I'll do then." I said resolutely. "I'm going to keep trying; that's all I can do. Eventually he'll give in." Molly smiled at me and squeezed my shoulder in a comforting way.

Arthur chuckled from the dining room. We both jumped. "That's how Molly got me." He said, still laughing. "Wore down my defenses. And I came to my senses. Remus is a reasonable man, he'll come around." I smiled, feeling slightly embarrassed the Arthur knew my romantic worries, but his advice made me feel even better.

I went to Grimmauld Place on Tuesday; I didn't tell them I was planning to visit. I just wanted a word with Remus. After I got in the door, I heard shouts rising from the kitchen.

"You're being an idiot, Moony!" I heard Sirius yelling.

Then Remus' voice came drifting up. "I can't, it'd be too dangerous for her." Remus wasn't yelling, but his voice was raised.

"She knows the danger! I'd be highly surprised if she hasn't read all the books available on werewolves." Sirius retorted.

"That doesn't make a difference, it's still too—"

I didn't find out what it was because Sirius cut him off. "It's not like it was with you and Farah. She already knows, so she's not going to find out and then just stay with you out of guilt. And you love her! She loves you!" Sirius said hotly.

"All the more reason for me to end things!" Remus said matching Sirius' fever. Sirius slammed something hard on the table.

"Do you have any idea what I'd give to feel that type of passion again?" Sirius' voice sounded slightly hollow. Remus must have muttered something under his breath that made Sirius laugh. "She's too young? _She_ doesn't think you're too old. You sure weren't thinking of her age when you were shagging her in your room!"

Sirius touched a nerve. I heard a chair scrape against the floor and Remus' footsteps as he ascended the stairs. I panicked. I didn't want them to find me there eavesdropping. Well, I didn't want Remus to know I had been there eavesdropping. I hid in the coat closet, leaving it opened a crack to see. Sirius came up the stairs a few minutes later. Then he paused and stared right at me. He came closer, his wand out. He had a suspicious look in his eyes. I sat there, my face screwed up; I was bracing myself for the ensuing embarrassment of being caught hiding in a closet.

Sirius flung the door open then let out a bark of laughter. "I think you have the wrong closet if you were planning on ambushing Remus." I made a face at him and stepped out of the closet. I tried, but failed to do so with dignity. I tripped over a pair of boots. "Do you want to go downstairs and talk? Or are you here to talk to someone else?" Sirius raised an eyebrow.

"Let's go downstairs; it doesn't seem that Remus wants to talk to me at the moment." I bit my lip; it was hard to think of Remus not wanting to see me. Sirius and I went downstairs. He got me a drink. We sat in a few moment of awkward silence. I sipped my drink then blurted out, "What did happen between him and that Farah person?" I had an inkling that Remus gave me the cliffnotes version of things at Fortescue's.

Sirius looked slightly surprised "You came over here for that?" I let out an exasperated no. "Just checking." He smirked at me. "I think their relationship went quite normal for a while. I was in Azkaban at the time; Remus told me about all this some time after I escaped. He made excuses for being gone every month. Then his boss blew his cover right out of the water. I think Farah was torn; she must have loved him because they stayed together, but when she left she said that she only stayed with him because she'd feel bad leaving him for being a werewolf." My jaw hung opened then I swore. "I think he's scared that you'll only stay with him out of guilt." Sirius finished.

I didn't know what to say. I wanted to run up to Remus' room and comfort him, and to assure him that I wouldn't dream of hurting him like that woman did. "Do you think he'll come around and… well, stop being so thickheaded?" I asked hopefully.

Sirius chuckled. "Hopefully, but he can be stubborn." Sirius took a long sip of his drink. "I haven't seen Remus smile the way he smiles around you in…" He let out a sigh, "I can't remember, actually." I smiled; I could feel my face glowing. "And he's the only person you let call you Nymphadora without throwing a fit." I laughed.

"Do you think I can come over for dinner Thursday?" I asked. "I know Remus doesn't want anything serious, or anything past first-base, but I still want to chill with you guys." Sirius raised an eyebrow, as if to question my motives. "Ok, and I want to spend as much time around Remus as I can." I said, resisting the urge to smack Sirius for being snarky.

I frequented Grimmauld Place after that. I didn't stay over, or get any more intimate with Remus than a friendly hug. I did consider squeezing his bum a few times, but I didn't. I caught Remus casting longing stares my way, but I didn't want to pull him into another go of physicalness that he wasn't emotionally equipped for. During our carnal dry-spell the nights seemed to last a decade. I longed for Remus every night; I often wondered if he had the same yearning.

My parents wanted to have Remus over again. I made up excuse for him being busy. I said he had work, overtime, extra duties and every other excuse I could think of. Dad noticed that I was a bit down, even though I tried to keep an upbeat smile. While Mom was bustling away in the kitchen, he learned over and said in a conspiratorial whisper, "If Remus isn't treating you right, tell him that your mom's cousin will hunt him down and do what he did to those muggles, former best friend or not." I laughed loudly and said I didn't think that would work on Remus, but I'd keep it in mind.

There was a meteor shower late November. I wanted to watch it but my flat wasn't well suited for it. Meteor showers are best viewed away from the city, someplace like Remus' house. I explained this to Remus one night and asked if we could watch the shower together. He agreed; I was elated to spend some extra time with him. I didn't have a scheme to ambush him and work my magic on him. For me, a meteor shower was a great time for romance, even platonic romance.

I showed up at Remus' place on the night of the shower. He had a meal prepared for us. I had blankets and two scarves. I had knitted the scarves by hand; they weren't bad either. As dusk came, we went outside. I transfigured a chair into a love seat recliner. The air was chilly so we huddled under the blanket together. Remus had his arm around me for comfort. I pointed out all my favorite constellations. Then the meteor shower began.

I squealed in delight, unnecessarily pointing them out. My enthusiasm seemed to be contagious. Remus started to point avidly at different meteors. "I miss this." I said during a lull in the nature-made fireworks.

"You miss the meteors?" Remus asked looking at me. I couldn't tell if he was joking or not.

"I miss there being an 'us.'" I clarified. Remus was gazing into my eyes. A shooting star passed overhead lighting up his handsome face, the light reflecting in his eyes.

"I do too." Remus said quietly. Remus reached up and rubbed my cheek gently. "I…" Remus took a deep breath. "I.. I think we should go in. The shower is over." Remus got up quickly; in the same way someone gets up when they sit have an emergency bathroom run. I sat there for a few minutes, glaring into the dark.


	10. Gooey and Mmmmh so Good

Remus didn't bring up our quasi-conversation after the fact. Sirius took Remus' stony silence about the night to mean we shagged. When Remus wasn't in the room, I told him that I didn't know where he got his information, but he was grossly mistaken. Then I told him about the awkward moment and my suspicions. He agreed that Remus had been on the verge of something momentous. Then Sirius suggested that he had relational constipation. "That is the grossest idea you've ever come up with." I said coolly. I was sure still peeved when I went over to Remus' house the next full moon. All thoughts of anger left when I realize that Remus seemed to be in more pain than usual when I got there. He was whimpering from the couch. When I caught a glimpse of him curled into a ball with his eyes clenched shut, I dropped my rucksack and ran to him. "Remus, what's wrong?" I asked a bit foolishly. Since he couldn't tell me, I rephrased my question. "Did you take your potion?" He whimpered and moved his head slightly. I took that as a 'yes.'

I stroked his head for a few minutes my mind racing, trying to think of a way to ease his pain. I knew a few pain potions, but I didn't have the ingredients or the time to brew them. "Did Snape brew your potion?" I asked as a horrible thought crossed my mind. What if he tampered with it on purpose? Remus whimpered again. I stood up in anger, about to get over to Hogwarts as soon as I could to hex his ears off. Remus caught on to my line of thought and barked feebly at me. Looking at Remus' shaking wolf body, I decided to stay until he was asleep. I started a fire and fed Remus. He was too weak to do much, so I carried him to the bed later on. I changed into my pajamas and laid with him until his breathing became heavy with sleep.

I slipped out of bed and paced the room with my wand clutched in my hand. I knew Remus would wake up in a bad state in a matter of hours. I decided to go to Hogwarts and give Snape a chance to explain himself. I grabbed a handful of Floo Powder. I paused for a moment, thinking if this could put the Order at Risk. Remus' house didn't have any Order information, and I'm sure that, if need be, I could think of a reason that I went from one fire to another without revealing our underground ties.

I threw the powder into the fire from earlier and said in a clear whisper "Potion Master's Quarters, Hogwarts." The green flames took me away, spinning like a top. I toppled out of Snape's fire into what must have been his bedroom. I didn't dare to light my wand, so I let my eyes adjust to the darkness. Snape was in bed, sleeping. I whispered two spells to bind his hands to the bed; I knew that _Karma Sutra for Wizards_ book would come in handy someday. I made my way over to his bed, only tripping once. I managed to keep the ruckus to a minimum.

I got on the bed and straddled Snape. His eyes shot open. I had my wand to his neck. "What are _you_ doing here?" He spat. He tried to move his hands and realized they were tied to the bed. "If you wanted a good shagging, all you had to do is—"

"That's not what I'm here for, you perverted old goat." I said in a vehement whisper. "Remus' potion didn't work right this month. He's been in pain all night." I said pushing my wand harder into his throat. Snape looked at me, noticing my attire and sniggered. 

"Spending some extra time with him, are we?" He asked with a malevolent gleam. "Or do you visit all of the Order in your night things?" I ignored his taunts, feeling foolish for not having the presence of mind to change.

"What can I do to ease his suffering?" I asked, trying to keep my voice in an angry tone. I didn't want to betray my feelings for Remus to someone like Snape.

Snape pointed to a shelf. "Green bottle, it'll help with the pain." I got up and grabbed the bottle; then I went back to Snape's bed. "What are you doing?" He asked, slightly alarmed.

"If it's just pain potion, it won't do you any harm." I said uncorking it. I squeezed the corners of Snape's mouth, causing his lips to purse open. A few drops of potion later, Snape was unchanged. I got up and headed towards the fire. I looked back at Snape, and in a moment of pity, I waved my wand to unbind his hands.

My back was to him, looking for his Floo Powder. He came up and pushed me into the bookcase against the wall, his body pressed uncomfortably against mine. "I don't care how much pain your boyfriend is in, if you ever make another night time visit I'll not only report you to Dumbledore, but I'll report you to Scrimgeour," Snape hissed in my ear.

"If his potion ever gives me reason to come back here, I'll make it so you won't be able to chew, much less report me to anyone." I spat back. "Get off me you slimy toad." Snape stepped back. I grabbed a handful of Floo Powder and went back to Remus' place.

When I stepped out of the fire, I could hear shrieks of pain. I looked out the window; the moon was waning. I ran into Remus' bedroom, his body was convulsing, parts of him still wolfish. It was the first time I saw him transform back. I almost dropped the bottle of potion. He writhed in pain as his body morphed from wolf to man. I ran to his beside and held him close to me. I caressed the back of his neck gently. His knees were drawn up to his chest. "It's ok, Remus, I'm here." I whispered gently. Remus was drenched in a cold sweat. I Accio'd a towel and a basin. I filled the basin with some cool water and wiped the sweat from Remus' face with a the wet towel.

"I have something that should help with the pain." I said quietly. I uncorked the bottle and dribbled some of the potion in Remus' mouth. His ragged breathing slowed to a normal rate. I examined his face, still worried that it might have been a fake cure.

"Thank you." came Remus' hoarse voice. "How did you get that?" He asked quietly.

"I'll tell you about it later. You need to rest now." I said laying him down and tucking him in. I stayed by Remus' side until dawn, occasionally wiping his face with a cool towel. I was scared for him. I didn't know what went wrong or how long it'd be until he was better.

I wrote a note to Kingsley saying that I'd be out sick for a few days. I had the flu. Then I wrote a note to Kingsley telling him the truth. I sent the real one to his house and the other one to work. I made some toast for Remus and in the early morning. He looked as if someone had kicked him all night. I propped him up with some pillows and gave him some water.

Remus was in bad shape for a few days. I refused to let him get up. I asked if he knew what went wrong with the potion. He didn't know, but he said that his transformation was much more painful than usual. Remus kept thanking me for my kindness. I smiled each time and told him that I would drop anything for him. 

I went to Grimmauld Place while Remus was sleeping one day. I had to fill Sirius in. Kingsley had informed the Order that Remus was ill. When I saw Sirius, he was looked as worried as a father whose wife was giving birth. He also smelled of some drink. "How's Remus?" He asked when he caught sight of me.

"I think he's getting better. He's weak though." Sirius muttered something about going to visit Snape about his potion making. "You don't need to do that… I kind of wenttoHogwarts and threatenedhiminhisroom." I said quicker than usual. It took Sirius a moment to unstring my words. Then he let out a loud bark of laughter.

"Ew, you went to his room?" He said looking at me as if I might have a disease. I rolled my eyes. "I think that might have been a first for Snively." Sirius enjoyed bantering Snape quite a bit.

After a short while, I went back to Remus' place. Dumbledore was there. He was talking with Remus. When I walked in, Dumbledore looked up at me, his eyes sparkling. "Here's our nurse in shining armor." He said with a benign smile on his face. "I brought some potions that should help him feel better." If Dumbledore knew about my late-night assault on Snape, he didn't say anything then. He excused himself and left. 

Remus looked up at me; his eyes were bloodshot. I sat next to him and brushed his hair out of his eyes. He took my hand and kissed it gently. I smiled and told him he was still too weak to get frisky quite yet. "Speaking of frisky," he said managing a smile. "I heard you made a midnight visit to Severus' room the other night. I don't think he meant the potion to go bad; it could have been a bad ingredient or something out of his control."

I bit my lip; I didn't want to argue with him. "I think it'd be best if Sirius and I made your potion…We're both skilled, and we're more than willing." I paused a moment. "I care about you too much to trust—" I stopped myself from calling Snape a nasty name. "Just anyone to do this for you." Remus looked like he wanted to object, but didn't.

On Friday that week, Remus was almost all better. I was being fussy and didn't want him to go to work. Ok, that was more me wanting to spend time with him, but he did still look peaky. Really.

We went on a walk together on Friday. We bundled up with the scarves and hats I made. He almost didn't believe me when I said I made them. "When did you learn to knit?" He asked incredulously. He laughed when I said it was some Auror training I picked up. I didn't tell him, but I had finished his sweater. I was excited to give it to him for Christmas.

Then I remembered, "Christmas is in a week… Do you want to go with me to my parent's on Christmas Eve?" I asked tentatively. He smiled and agreed. I leaned over and kissed him on the cheek.Getting a brainwave, I pointed my wand covertly at the tree we were standing under. "Oh, look mistletoe." I said trying to pull off a look of being pleasently surprise. I don't think Remus was fooled, but he leaned into me and we kissed passionately under the tree.

That night Arthur Weasley was attacked while on Duty. I felt guilty that Remus and I had been cuddling in bed all night while he was put in harm's way. I went with the Weasleys to St. Mungo's the next day. Mad-Eye and I were security.

I was very interested to hear Harry's account of what happened. He didn't talk about it at all. I didn't blame him; seeing inside Voldemort's head isn't quite normal. Moody was keeping both of his eyes on Harry on our way to the hospital. When we got there, the family went inside to see Arthur. Harry went in with them. Moody and I sat outside of the room talking quietly.

"I heard you and Lupin are dating." Moody said conversationally. He was trying to be nonchalant about it.

"I wouldn't quite call it that." I said truthfully. Moody raised an eyebrow. "Well, he's hesitant to be in a relationship." I confessed. Moody muttered something that sounded like 'idiot' under his breath.

We went in to see Arthur after the kids left the room. Moody thought it was unsafe for the Order if Harry was being possessed by Voldemort. I didn't think he was being possessed; well, I didn't know what to think about it. Harry was even more subdued when we left. He barely spoke to anyone. 

Christmas Eve came quickly. Remus and I went over to my parent's house for a nice dinner. We exchanged presents. My parents bought Remus a nice tea set. He thanked them; his face was glowing. To my surprise, he got them something too. I guessed that they were from Sirius and Remus. Dad loved the Elton John record Remus got for him. Mom opened her present and her mouth fell open. It was a picture of Sirius and Mom as kids. Her eyes filled with tears. "I found that in my stuff and I thought, even though he's made an awful life for himself, he's still your cousin and I'm sure he still loves you."

Mom looked at the picture, she didn't look angry, but looked happy and after a short silence said, "I still hope that they'll come out and say he didn't really do it." Her voice was barely above a whisper. She let out a short laugh and set the picture on the table. "Let's see what you two love-birds got each other."

"Unless it's something not for our eyes." Dad said laughing. I rolled my eyes; he was always so inappropriate around people.

I reached under the tree and handed Remus a lumpy package. I was a novice at wrapping. He opened it and let out a 'wow.' He held up his green sweater. "Did you make this?" He asked in amazement.

"Why? Are the sleeves uneven?" I asked jokingly. "Yes, I made it." I grinned at the look on my parents' faces. Remus put it on over his shirt. It was a near perfect fit. I was bubbling over with pride. Remus reached under the tree and pulled out a beautifully wrapped present. It looked larger than a ring box, but I didn't think had that coming anyways.

I opened it carefully; the paper was too pretty to waste. "Ooooh." Is all I said when I opened it. There was a Weird Sisters shirt, bra and panties. I laughed at the panties; it looked as if 'weird' was on the back and 'sisters' was on the front. "Now I'll walk around with "weird" on my butt." I said laughing.

We went to my place afterwards and started a roaring fire in the fireplace. Remus was still gushing over his sweater. I conjured some marshmallows and said we should roast them. He laughed and couldn't believe how 'muggle' I was. After the third marshmallow, he couldn't believe that wizards don't do roast marshmallows. 

"This is all gooey and mmmmh so good." He said with marshmallow stuck to his fingers. I laughed; he was such a dork sometimes. We stayed up rather late talking about other muggle pastimes he missed out on growing up.

A/N: _RIght-O. I hope you guys liked the chapter. And thanks for those of you that review; everyone else needs to rethink their life :P I think there will be some "I love you"ing in the next chapter... _


	11. Grinds of Machinery

Christmas morning was very pleasant. Remus and I breakfasted together. He insisted on roasting more marshmallows. I told him he was as bad as a child with those things. He laughed. Remus went to Grimmauld Place so he could accompany the Weasleys, Harry, and Hermione to visit Arthur in St. Mungo's. I wanted to have Remus to myself, but I thought it'd be nice to share on Christmas. I went over to Grimmauld Place after a few hours. Sirius was by himself looking for his houseelf. I couldn't imagine why… I'd be glad to be gone of him; he creeped me out. 

Sirius told me that, for the record the shirt, bra, and panties were from him and Remus. Though, the bra and panties were more from Remus than him. He asked how Mom reacted to the photo of them. I told him how she cried a bit but said she was always hopeful that the Ministry would come out and say they were wrong about him. Sirius seemed to be choked up by this statement; he showed his emotion by ducking under the table for a moment to wipe his eyes. He was always subtle like that.

When he resurfaced, I wanted to talk about Remus. "Now that you're done being random, I want to ask you something." I gave Sirius a hard look. "Do you think Remus would make love to me?" Sirius started to hack; apparently, he wasn't expecting me to ask that. I looked at him, unblushing and waited for a response.

"You mean he hasn't?" Sirius said with the tact of a one-legged troll in a crystal shop. I pursed my lips together. "Alright, I'll take that as a 'no.'" Sirius seemed to be growing red from this conversation. "I thought after that night with the music." I crossed my arms. Sirius was being quite insufferable. "And, I don't know if you know this about werewolves, but they 'get the urge' _really_ bad around their time of the month." Sirius made it sound like Remus menstruated. I raised my eyebrows, waiting for him to stop beating around the bush. "I mean, he use to wack-off to no prevail at school. Well, only a few days before he'd transform. I thought that was why you'd hang out with him then…" I finally stomped by foot. Sirius snapped out of his monologue on Remus' sexual habits. "I'm actually surprised that he hasn't. He spends all of his time obsessing about you. He was gone for six hours buying your Christmas present. And that was the only thing he bought that day!" Sirius laughed loudly. "Are you planning on making it a special Christmas?" He asked with a pervy nudge.

"I… I don't have any solid plans. I've been waiting for _him_ to make a move. I thought maybe he wasn't interested in 'that.'" I said sheepishly. Sirius laughed again. "Well, what do you expect me to think? We've all but danced naked in the shower together, but he just won't—" I faltered, looking for the words. "he won't take charge and go at it!" I finally said, falling out of my chair. Sirius and I lost it at that point. We were laughing so hard that by the time the gang returned from St. Mungo's, they thought we had finished a tankard or 10 of firewhiskey.

When we caught sight of Remus we burst into a renewed bought of laughter. Remus looked slightly confused, but offered to take me home. I was giggling so hard I could hardly function. We waited ten minutes for my laughter to subside. Remus helped me into my jacket. We walked down the street a short way. I started to calm down. "Everything ok?" he asked, eyeing me with a smirk.

"Oh yeah, I was just having a laugh with Sirius." I said working to think of something other than Remus getting petrified while wanking off. Sirius told me quite a few of Remus' stories, most of which portrayed a different side of Remus than the one I saw everyday.

Remus raised his eyebrows and said dryly, "Really, I couldn't tell." He smiled and brushed some snow out of my hair. I was working up the nerve to ask Remus over when he said, "Can I stay with you tonight?" Remus looked at me, a serious expression on his face.

I hugged him, leaned towards his ear and said, "I'd love that." Then I nibbled slightly on his ear before I pulled out of the hug. We apparated to an alley near my apartment building. Remus pressed against me and I fell into the wall. He kissed me in a hungry, needy way. I took his hand and we hurried to the building. We rode the elevator and whispered passionately as we listened to the grinds of the machinery clanking. We didn't realize there was another rider until we got off. The man, who appeared to be in his 70's yelled "I hope you remembered the prophylactics!" as we got off, saying a hurried apology.

We managed our way into my flat; our lips continued their passionate duel. Remus and I pulled apart for a moment; we were both breathless. Remus grabbed my hand and took me to the bedroom. I almost couldn't believe my eyes. There were pink, vividly, shocking pink rose petals spread from the bed to the bedroom door. The flower path got wider as it reached my bed; it was beyond beautiful. "How did you…" I started, but then I realized that I didn't care how or when; I was in my room, which looked amazing, with the man I loved.

Remus and I continued to kiss lasciviously and it began to rain clothing, so to speak. We moved towards the bed; I tripped and fell on it. The rose petals bounced a few inches in the air. Remus and I laughed. He lowered his body to mine, our chests rubbed together. "Are you sure about this?" He asked running his fingers through my hair. I let out a yes that sounded more like the air being let out of a tire. 

I'm not going to say that we had marathon sex, or that Remus was hung like a horse; those are things people say when they really lack sexual experience with the person they have in mind. I will say that it was beautiful and that we both slept well that night. Remus never did tell me how he managed to spread the rose petals everywhere while he was suppose to be with everyone visiting Arthur.

I have to admit, I was slightly put off that Remus didn't break down and confess his love for me, but I've never been the type of woman that needed to hear the L-word to have sex. I did want to hear it from Remus though, for purely non-sexual reasons.

Dumbledore asked us to accompany Harry, Ginny, Ron, Hermione, Fred and George to school. He said the long ride together would help expedite things. Naturally, he didn't explain, but I thought I knew what he meant. We arrived at Grimmauld Place early that morning. Sirius was up, as was Molly.

Sirius appeared to be unusually aggravated. Remus asked if he was ok; he started to tell us about Harry taking Occlumency lesions with Snape. "Why does Dumbledore want him to do that?" I asked in a low voice. I knew too well how voices could carry in that house. Sirius explained that it would stop Harry having dreams about Voldemort's thoughts and actions. Molly chipped in about Sirius almost having it out with Snape; he shot her a contemptuous look. Remus seemed especially concerned by this.

Harry, Ron and Hermione came in during our conversation. We stopped talking immediately. They all looked a little suspicious, most of all Harry, but we pretended nothing strange had happened. Leaving was a bit hectic; I was glad that Remus was there. He was a good leader. He flagged the Knight Bus for us and helped with the luggage.

I ushered Harry on first; Dumbledore said to be extremely careful while on the street. The conductor, Stan, started shouting about Harry being there. I told him to shut it or he'd have another thing coming. The ride to Hogsmeade was as comfortable as could be expected while riding the Knight Bus. At least no one dislocated a hip. I paid a little extra for the idiot-conductor to move us up the queue. Hogsmeade was blanketed in snow and looked quite picturesque. Remus and I got off to help the kids with their luggage and say our goodbyes.

We got back on the bus; we didn't want to linger in Hogsmeade. Remus and I took a seat in the back. "Do you think their term will go alright?" I asked feeling a bit like a mother leaving her children to stay with their drunk uncle.

"I'm sure they'll make it through ok." Remus said consolingly. He looked around to take in our surroundings. Then he lowered his voice and said, "I need to talk to you about something important, Nymphadora." I gave him a look for using my name, but didn't verbally protest. Remus smiled, taking my hand. "You make me feel alive in ways I haven't felt in ages, several ages in fact. I don't know if I could live without your smile to brighten my life. My heart skips a beat when your eyes light up with excitement. 

The Knight Bus swerved and we fell into each other. This didn't seem to deter Remus at all. "I should have said this a lot sooner than I'm saying it…" Remus looked around again to assure or privacy. "I l—" The bus took another violent swerve. We were both knocked out of our seats. I landed my back; I looked up and saw several bags falling towards me. I raised my arms over my head, but the corner of a briefcase hit me hard one my nose.

I sat up; I could feel blood pouring down my face. I held my hands up to my face to stop the flow. Remus immediately came to my aide. I took my hands away from my face. Remus gasped and pulled out his wand. "What were you saying?" I asked as if we were merely interrupted by a radio commercial or something else benign. "Please… tell me."

"I love you, Nymphadora." Was all he said. It was more than enough for me. I had been waiting to hear those words for what seemed like several lifetimes. "Please let me fix your nose." He held his wand to my nose and said "_Episkey_." The pain stopped.

"Oh, Remus." I breathed, flecking blood everywhere. "I love you so much." I wrapped my arms around him in a hug and we fell over. Stan's voice came loudly, like a sharp knife. He said there'd be no hanky-panky on the bus. Remus helped me up and cleaned the blood off me with a wave of his wand. He climbed back into our seats. I was grinning another one of those ridiculous 'in love' grins that usually annoyed me; it didn't bother me that day.

We went back to Grimmauld Place. Sirius sat alone in the sitting room; he had a brooding expression on his face. He looked up at Remus and I; we were unable to erase our giddy grins. "Did you guys run off and elope?" He paused just long enough for Remus and I to exchange foreboding looks. "You do realize that means you'll actually have to shag her?" Sirius said sardonically. "Whatever you were up to, it was probably more excitement than I've seen this past _year_." Sirius hunched over, his head resting in his hands. He was sobbing. I couldn't quite believe it.

I approached Sirius, a hand outstretched cautiously in the same way I'd extend it to an unknown dog. "Sirius…" I said in a low soothing voice. I put a hand on his shoulder and squatted so we were eye to eye. "I can't imagine what it's like for you… here." I looked around the gloomy room. "It's not Azkaban, but it's not freedom." I looked up to Remus for help.

"Padfoot, mate, this won't last forever. The Ministry is bound to take their head out of their arse and smell the flowers before too long." I glanced over at Remus; it was the first time I heard him swear.

Sirius' mood did not improve. "I'm tried of waiting!" He shouted slamming his fist into the table next to him breaking a glass figurine on it and cutting his hand. I let out a gasp of shock. Not because of the blood but because of his outburst of anger. With a stern look on my face, I took his hand, which he was watching bleed with a mesmerized look in his face. I took out my wand and pointed it at his hand. "_Episkey_." I said quietly.

Remus pulled Sirius out of his chair and led him downstairs. Sirius cheered up a bit after he told us about he and Snape almost going at it the other night. Remus had a worried expression on his face. He knew the dynamics between Sirius and Snape better than I did. Although, my distant kinship with Sirius elicited enough sneers and nasty comments from Snape for me to get the idea. 

Remus and I stayed over at Grimmauld Place that night. We decided that Sirius was in a temperamental state and needed friends nearby. Sirius was in a slightly better mood the next day. I felt giddy at work, but I was preoccupied with Sirius' well-being. I spent half the day unusually upbeat, and the rest fidgeting with the sleeve of my robes.

When they announced the escape of all those Death Eaters, Sirius lost his temper in ways that made me scared to be in the same room as him. Remus was the one that calmed him down. He grabbed him in an aggressive hug, more a chokehold and talked to him in a low whisper. We slipped Sirius a soothing potion and waited for word from Dumbledore. I had to go into work for a 15hr shift. Most of it was briefings on the Death Eaters, a meeting given by Kingsley which highlighted the Death Eater connection to Sirius, a Department wide ban on talking to the papers, and a brush up course on jinxes and spells that might help if we're face to face with a Death Eater. I found the lack of details on their escape suspicious, but so did a lot of the Department. The only solace I found during all of the chaos was in Remus' arms as he held me close every night. I knew I'd fall apart if I didn't have him.


	12. Ministry Lies and Ties

5

Sirius calmed down a bit as the idea of there being a handful of fugitive Death Eaters sank in. Remus worked hard to convince him that it was a step towards the Magical World realizing his innocence. Despite the uncertainity in the Wizarding world, Remus and I moved ahead in our relationship. We practically lived together. When we didn't stay at Grimmauld Place or my flat, we were at Remus' small house. It didn't matter where we were; what mattered was being together.

A few days before his transformation, we were at my flat. We thought Sirius could do with some time without the two of us. I was watching Remus over the top of the book I was reading. He looked preoccupied and his face had traces of self-loathing.

"Remus, you have _that_ look again." I said tersely. Remus broke out his reverie. "Are you planning on giving your 'too old, too poor, too dangerous' speech again?" I asked my eyebrows raised. Remus tried to change his facial expression to one of mild indignation, but the end result was something closer to a pained expression.

"You make me happy." Remus said not answering my question. I leaned back in my seat; I wasn't going to help him call things off again. "I don't feel I deserve a good woman like you." I tried hard not to scoff; for all his sweetness the man wouldn't let himself stay content. Then he said in a quieter voice, "And I _am_ too old, poor, and dangerous for you."

"_I don't care about that._ I love you for who you and what you are." Remus had a doubtful look on his face. "Remus, I love the man _and_ the wolf in you." Remus took my hand and pulled me out of my seat only to envelop me in a tight embrace.

"I'm sorry for my constant doubt." He nuzzled my neck, speaking into it instead of looking at me. "I've never doubted our love or your motives for being with me…" Remus looked me straight in the eyes as he said, "I live in constant fear that I'll wake up tomorrow and this will just be a dream. Or worse, you'll wake up tomorrow and realize you're with a wolf and leave." A tear trickled down Remus' lined face. I wiped away the solitary tear and kissed Remus gently. 

"I know that women have often rejected you because you're a werewolf…" I took in a ragged breath; thinking about that often made me angry. He must have seen my next thought flash across my eyes; Remus was always able to read me.

"I realize you're not them." He said kissing my forehead softly. "It is hard to undo a lifetime of… well, rejection." Remus' drooped slightly. I wanted to take his mind off his worries, but I didn't see us making any progress in our conversation, so I ran my fingers through Remus' hair and down his back. He let out a hungry moan. I knew the full moon wasn't far off; he was the most adventurous in bed at those times. I rubbed my hand on his cheek, then gently down his torso. He let out another moan of desire. We dropped our discussion altogether and stole away to the floor.

I loved the looks of ecstasy that played on his face while we made love that day. My sounds of passion made him hungrier and he devoured me. Remus was the gentlest man I had ever been with. Even when he was possessed by wolfish passion, he would stop and make sure I was comfortable. I was often the aggressor in our relationship. Remus would get a surprised 'oh' look on his face when I came at him out of nowhere.

Some time later, my chest was heaving up and down; Remus was resting his head on my shoulder, absentmindedly running his fingers over my stomach. "Do you always intend to wind me up like that? You know how I get." He said looking at me with his hungry expression still flashed in his eyes.

"I wind you up like that because I know how you get." I smiled. "And if you didn't want me get you riled up, you'd stop being so sexy." I laughed lightly and continued, "Who wouldn't want a man that wears sweaters; they're irresistible. That's why I made one for you." Remus laughed and said I was a conspirator. Remus held me in his arms for sometime. I thought I might take my next holiday there; I made a note to ask him for reservations.

I was pleased that his next transformation went better than his previous. I hardly slept that night out of nerves. If something went wrong, it would be my fault. Sirius helped me brew the Wolfsbane, but it was new to him. He was in jail when it was invented. When I gave Remus his potion, he drank it without hesitation. He said it tasted just as gross as usual, which was a sign that I made it right.

The sky was bright and full of stars the night he transformed. He and I went out and cuddled on the transfigured loveseat-recliner. Remus was unusually upbeat that evening. He jumped up and hugged me while on his haunches. We rocked back and forth under the moonlight until we toppled back on the couch. I told him he was a better dancer as a wolf than as a man. He licked my face playfully. For a brief while, we forgot the War, the fugitive Death Eaters and everything else that existed outside of our small cosmos.

I had work the next morning so I wasn't able to lounge around with Remus. He chortled about me going off to my other boyfriend. I heart skipped a beat that he referred to himself as my boyfriend, even if it was indirectly. I leaned into him saying "How can I resist, Sasquatch is _so_ well hung." I spoke in barely above a whisper. My lips brushed against his neck as I spoke to him. He pulled me on top of him, kissing my neck. I shuddered with delight. I gave in to his advances; I mean, I'll only live once, and with Remus it was always worth it.

I strolled into work 20 minutes late, hoping to be discrete about it. Any other week, under any other circumstances, I could have snuck in and said I was doing some other duties. Not this week, not with the whole department in a tizzy. Dawlish came up to my cubicle in a nonchalant manner. I looked up over the papers I was going through, "What do you want, I'm busy." I glared at him; grumpiness was the hallmark of a busy Auror.

Dawlish smirked and tutted softly. "Busy?" He scoffed. "I see you've been busy with that werewolf halfbreed of yours." He was eyeing my neck. Remus had given me a love bite there and I didn't check the mirror before I left. I told Dawlish to sod-off. "No can do, Tonksy. Scrimgeour wants to see you in his office."

I arranged my face into a remorseful expression while Dawlish marched me to Scrimgeour's office. At first, I thought this visit was only about showing up late. It seemed reasonable to get a lecture for my tardiness. Unfortunately, my punctuality wasn't the reason for my reprimand. Scrimgeour sat behind his desk, a grave expression on his face. Kingsley stood a bit to the side of Scrimgeour; he looked stern. Dawlish pushed me into the chair in front of the grandiose desk.

"Well, Nymphadora, I never expected to say this to you, but I fear you're becoming a security risk." Scrimgeour had a file in front of him. I craned my neck slight; there was a picture of Remus and me outside of Florean's Parlor. "Dating a werewolf." His voice was full of disgust. Kingsley's eyes betrayed a flicker of surprise. He too must have thought this was about my tardiness. "I thought your parents raised you better."

I didn't say anything. My ears were pounding and my hands were balled into fists. I was trying hard not to shout at him, call him a bigot, tell him that my personal life wasn't the business of the Ministry. When I spoke, my voice was as even as I could make it. "I was not aware that the Ministry kept tabs on its employees' personal life. Remus is no more a security risk than any other man." I stopped myself from going into a passionate description of Remus' greatness. 

"Given your assignment… and Lupin's close, _personal_ relationship with your assignment, we feel he is a risk." Scrimgeour said with a malicious look. I knew that the Ministry had long since decided that Remus was free of any continued connection with Sirius. Ironically, they came to their decision around the time that Remus reinstated his friendship with Sirius.

"You're the one that interviewed him about his ties to Sirius." I said hotly. "Don't you think I would have noticed if Sirius Black was crouching in the closet or hiding under his bed?" I couldn't believe this; it was against Ministry policies to chide us on our dating choices. No one said anything when Kingsley dated the pretty witch from the Department of International Cooperation, no one bats and eyelash at the fraternizing that happens all over the building. "May I see my file?" I asked, my voice ringing with indignation. 

"I don't think that would be prudent, Nymphadora." Kingsley made the slightest of nods, and I dropped it. I waited as Scrimgeour rustled with is papers. "I can't fire you for your… 'relationship,' but I will be watching your work carefully. I suggest you rethink where you're going with your personal and career life. You have potential; don't let _other_ things interfere with that." Scrimgeour sat back. "You may go." I stood up and headed to the door. Kingsley came up behind me and said in a stern voice that he'd like to see me.

While he scolded me on the advisability of dating people who have undetermined criminal pasts, he let me thumb through my file. There were several pictures of Remus and I. Most of them from our date in Diagon Alley. Then I saw one from Christmas Day. It was us kissing outside of my apartment building. I made copies of the pictures and tucked them into my robes. I whispered a quick thanks and went to my cubicle. 

When I got to my flat that night, Remus was there waiting. I was debating on how to tell him about my meeting that day. I was spared the need to tell him anything. Kingsley had sent him a message about it during the day. Remus stood up when I entered the room; he the look of someone who had been rethinking their actions. "Kingsley told you then?" I asked timidly. He nodded. "I don't think their threats will come to anything." I said truthfully. "They'd have to change the law and—"

Remus was shaking his head. "They won't have to change the law; they'll just find another reason to let you go." Remus had that look again. He took in a deep breath. "I don't want to be a hindrance—" I put a finger to Remus' lips.

"You're more important to me than a career for a government that is bigoted and so one-sided. If you want to leave me, don't use these peripheral problems as your excuse." My eyes welled up with tears. "Circumstances shouldn't cause people to break up." I said resolutely. "If there's something wrong with me, with us, that's too much to work through… ok, but don't use something like my 'career' as a reason to break it off with me, Remus."

Remus blinked at me; there was a hurt look on his face. He opened his mouth slightly then said, "There's never been anything wrong with you, or us; I just can't to think that I'll ruin everything for you." Remus pulled me into a hug. "I wouldn't be able to forgive myself." Remus was rubbing the back of my head, which I found to be very soothing.

We didn't talk about work or the Ministry for the rest of the night. We almost returned to the subject when I showed Remus the pictures. They were nice pictures, even if they were taken by someone spying on us. My favorite was of us eating ice cream. I was using my spoon to gesticulate; Remus looked slightly bewildered but amused. I kept that one by my bed. For me, the picture was an accurate representation of our relationship; there's me, the eccentric one, and Remus, the sexy, amused, shocked, debonair man. Remus kept the one of us in the Hall of Knowledge. We were both buried in books and my foot was rested against his leg under the table. Remus then announced, in a Sirius-like manner, that he had a massive hard-on for me that day. I rolled my eyes. Men.

I made a point to be more efficient at work. I didn't want them to haul Remus in for questioning, and my work for the Order was too important to risk getting fired. Remus was constantly worried for my safety. He thought that another assault on the Department of Mysteries was imminent. Sirius told how Remus went to Grimmauld Place when I had duty. He'd stay there and pace the room until exhaustion took over. Sirius remarked that Remus hadn't been that nervous since they took their N.E.W.T.s. I told Remus that if anything happened to me, he could keep Elton John. He didn't think it was funny.

I probably would have forgotten about it completely, but Sirius pointed out that Valentine's Day fast approached. Well, he said the "International Day of Shagging." But we knew what he meant. I felt a panic stir in my stomach. Valentines was always so difficult. I knew I'd have to try my hand at romance, and that terrified me.


	13. Your Song

I couldn't believe that Valentine's Day was coming up. This would be my first one with a significant other. I would say boyfriend, but boyfriend seems so juvenile. I didn't know if I should buy him something or make him something. I didn't know if he'd _want_ to exchange gifts. I decided to bombard Sirius with questions. It was hard to get time alone with him, Remus and I usually went to bed together. One night I said I'd be up in a few minutes. Remus looked slightly puzzled but left with a kiss to my forehead. Sirius shot me a look of mild interest, but I didn't say anything until I heard Remus' footsteps echoing away.

"Am I being interrogated?" He asked with a smile. I held up a finger to silence him. I got up and snuck, well, attempted to sneak to the door. I tripped on a chair on my way over. Sirius laughed at my failed stealth. I took my wand out and put an Imperturbable Charm on the door. I learned more from Molly than how to knit. "This _must_ be serious." Sirius said more to himself than to me.

I sat back down, a grave look on my face. "I don't know what to do about Valentine's Day." I confessed. Apparently Sirius was expecting something a little more…weighty. "_Well_ I don't. Before Remus, it's only been the 'International Day of Shagging.' I've never…" Sirius was smirking. "Ok, I've never been romantically involved this time of year." I gave him a harsh look. Giggling was not helping. "Do you know what he's planning?" I said with a pleading tone in my voice.

Sirius sat back in his chair. I couldn't tell if he was doing that to think or prolong my panic. It was probably a bit of each. "I don't know what he's planning." Sirius confessed. He was either telling the truth or bluffing really well. I must have looked a bit desperate because he went on. "I do know what he likes." My eyes widened; this could be my ticket. "He doesn't really go for store-bought cliché items. A shaving kit or tie won't really do it for him." I grinned; I knew that much at least. "He _loves_ sentimental, mushy stuff. Poetry, art, that sweater you made him." Sirius looked as if he was above such things.

Then it hit me, a brilliantly creative idea. It'd be sentimental, definitely handmade, and it'd be mushy. "Thanks Sirius, I know what I'll do." I grinned and headed up the stairs at a jog. Then I hit the Imperturbable Charm and fell backwards. Maybe I hadn't learned that much from Molly. Sirius stood over me laughing. He helped me up. Remus was on his way down the stairs from his room when Sirius was helping me up.

"Somehow I feel that I just shouldn't ask." He said benignly. I smiled and took Remus' hand. Remus couldn't stop looking at my smile; I must have looked dopey. "Ok, I can't resist; what's making you smile like that?" He had a sexy smile on his face; I wondered if he knew how sexy it was. When I didn't answer, he gently pushed me in the wall. "Your smile is paradise." He said kissing me gently.

I returned his kiss, biting his lip playfully. "I still won't tell you." I said running my fingers through his hair. I wondered if everyone's hair was so touchable. Sirius walked by and coughed loudly. I had just squeezed Remus' bum. Sirius was smirking and muttered something about needing earplugs that night.

I wanted to get a start on my project the next day. I told Remus that I wouldn't get to Grimmauld Place until late. He didn't pester me for a why; he wore himself out the night before trying to get answers out of me. Shoddy though I was at cooking, cleaning and general household tasks, I was skilled at artsy spells. I could create… just not anything practical. I had an idea, actually, a shimmer of an idea for a present. I wanted to create a moving drawing of us, our first kiss. I wanted it to be in four frames. The first showing the seconds before; then the next two would show the kiss, I wanted one to capture his bewildered look and the other to show him warming up to me, then the last one to be the awkward moment after our kiss. I did a sketch of it that night and started the first frame. It was quite late when I stopped working. I yawned and dissaparated to Grimmauld Place.

Everyone seemed to be in bed, so I made my way upstairs. I didn't want to wake any of the portraits up. I opened the door and slipped in. Remus' tired voice came at me, "Sirius, knock it off; it's only funny the first ten times." I laughed and Remus sat up. "I thought you were going to stay at your place; you were gone a long time." He said looking rather pleased that I was there.

"I told you, I distain sleeping alone. And I like being next to you." I yawned and started to undress. "I was working on a project and lost track of time." I told him, and catching a curious look said, "And it'd be useless to ask what it is." I grinned and crawled into bed with Remus.

It took me the better part of two weeks to finish his present. Between Guard Duty, work, the Order, and actually spending time with him, it was hard to sneak off and be creative for a few hours. Remus started having trouble at work. Someone let it slip that he and I were dating. Macnair, who was cruel as it was, always said rude and spiteful things about our relationship. From what Remus told me, Macnair would voice some of Remus' darkest most cynical thoughts on what could go wrong for us. Macnair went so far as to say that any woman who knowingly sleeps with a werewolf must be very vile, because who could love someone like Remus. Remus didn't tell me all of this; he told Sirius and I wheedled the information from him.

The one thing I couldn't pry out of Sirius were Remus' plans for Valentine's Day. Then it occurred to me that maybe he wasn't planning anything. Sirius assured me that he was in fact planning something, but he promised not to tell. "Any word from Harry?" I asked to change the subject; he wasn't spilling the beans. Sirius sighed heavily and shook his head. "Well, their mail _is_ being searched. And you don't want to have another brush with Umbridge."

"I gave him a way to talk to me." Sirius said in a small voice. I raised an eyebrow. "Remember when you said that we could find alternative ways to communicate?" I nodded. "I use to talk to James using a mirror. I gave one to Harry. I have a feeling that he won't use it." Sirius had a resigned look on his face. "I heard Hermione telling him that I act too rashly… and after my argument with Snape, I think Harry agrees."

"Sirius, he loves you. He doesn't want you to get caught; could you imagine if the Ministry got their hands on you? They'd torture you to death to see if you knew anything about You-Know-Who. Caring is a two way street; you care about him as much as he cares about you." I paused, hoping that my lecturing wasn't making him more upset. 

Sirius shrugged, it didn't seem that he wanted to discuss that any further. "So, how's your present for Remus going?" He asked. I described it and showed him the sketch I had of it. "Oooh, he'll like that." Sirius said smodding. "Remus has always been romantic; I use to think he'd explode with pent up romantic frustration."

I laughed loudly, most people explode with _other_ kinds of pent up frustration. "Oh!" I said, remembering Remus' remark from the other night. I explained how I walked in and he said that it wasn't funny after the 10th time. "I don't get it. What did you do ten times?"

Sirius let out a bark of laughter. "I sometimes transform into a dog and bolt into his room barking. It scares the bajeezus out of him. Then if I'm feeling like it, I lick his legs, it makes his hair all gross." Sirius was smirking in his boy-like way when Remus came downstairs.

"You just like my legs." He said dryly. He had a tea cup in one hand and a book in the other. "You two are up late." He said smiling. I have to admit, I wasn't quite paying attention at that point. I was slightly distracted by the sight of Remus in his flannel PJs. I wanted to get him upstairs and be in bed with him. My mind started to drift away.

Sirius' voice brought me back to earth. "Tonks? Nymphadora? Stink Head?" I snapped out of my mini-fantasy a 'huh?' Sirius laughed. "So, It's Stink Head now?" I made a face at him and said I was thinking. He sniggered. "Most people do _that_ kind of thinking on their own."

I got up and stretched. "I'm going to bed." I ran my hand along Remus' back; he shivered slightly and followed me up ten minutes later. When he came in, I started on questions about Valentine's Day. Remus wouldn't tell me what we were doing, though he did drop some hints. He said I'd be better off in Muggle clothing, and I should wear something that I wouldn't mind wearing in a public place. I even tried pouting. He said it was cute, but wouldn't work on him… well, not for information.

I woke up early on Valentine's Day. I wanted to wake Remus up with a big, wet kiss. I rolled over to kiss him and he wasn't there. The door creaked open, I grabbed my wand. In the middle of reaching for my wand, I saw Sirius' outline. I was about to tell him to scamper off, but I saw he had a guitar. The only light in the room was coming from the hallway. I squinted at him, then I saw Remus come in. Sirius started to strum the guitar and I recognized the melody.

Remus was using his wand as a microphone. He started to sing by the door. "_It's a little bit funny, this feeling inside… I'm not one that can easily hide._" I got a chill down my spine; Remus wasn't the best singer, and Sirius could use some guitar lessons, but they were quite the double act. Remus slowly made his way to me gesticulating to parts of the song while singing. He sat on the bed and belted out, "_And you can tell everybody that this is your soooong, it may be quite simple but now that it's done, I hope you don't mind that I've put into words how wonderful life is while you're in the world." _ They finished with a bow. I could tell this was the product of too many late nights without sleep and too much spare time. I _loved_ it.

Remus was blushing; I imagined that it took a lot of gall on his part to do that. He was extremely reserved. "That was amazing." I said giving his a deep kiss. I looked Sirius and said, "You probably talked him into it." He said it was all Remus' idea. "Good." I grinned. "You're lucky I didn't sleep naked." I ran my fingers through Remus' hair and kissed his neck. Sirius left without a lewd remark, which was a first. "You were brilliant." I said still beaming.

Remus grinned sheepishly. I didn't say it, but I've always loved it when guys can make a fool out of themselves for me. "Once he's cleared, I think we'll go on tour." Remus said running his hands down my back. My body shivered slightly. "Breakfast is in 10 minutes." Remus said brushing his hand across my stomach. He smiled benignly before leaving the room. I fell back on the mattress and hugged a pillow. I could tell it was going to be a great day.

I made it to the kitchen within the 10 minute time period Remus gave me. I was dressed in some jeans and my Weird Sisters t-shirt. I almost fell over when I burst into the large dining room. They decorated it like a cutesy café. Sirius was wearing an apron; apparently he was the waiter that day. It was almost too much; I beamed and took a seat with Remus. During breakfast I finally understood how horrible it must have been for girls during their time at Hogwarts. I couldn't imagine what four of them would have cooked up.

After breakfast, we left the house. Remus wouldn't tell me where we were going; he even made me do side-along apparition. Remus had his hand over my eyes. "You might laugh when you see where we are." He said, his breath was warm on my neck. He took his hand away from my eyes and I gasped. We were at the London Zoo. It wasn't a romantic destination, but it was somewhere I had always wanted to go. I had mentioned it a few months ago while he was a wolf. We were both wide-eyed with excitement as we went around the zoo. Remus especially liked the chimpanzees; he said Sirius' animagus should be that, not a dog. We spent the entire day out, wandering around, window-shopping. My favorite store we passed was a hat store. We both tried on hats. I almost bought the beret he tried on; it made my heart skip a beat.

Around sunset, I realized that we needed to go to my flat. I wanted to give Remus his present. I had the picture positioned so it was in the middle of the room on a table. I had two candles next to it so their flickering light would add to the movie-like quality of the drawing. We apparated to my flat and I covered Remus' eyes. "Your turn for a surprise." I whispered. I opened the door and waved my want to light the candles. I took my hand off Remus' face, he looked around and caught sight of the drawing. He went to it like a moth to flames. His eyes grew bright.

"This is… wow. It's magnificent." He watched each frame with a loving expression on his face. Then he laughed quietly. "Sometimes I can't believe… it just seems so unreal." Remus sighed. "No one's ever loved me like you have." Remus had his arms around me; his eyes were sparkling. "I love you, Tonks." I could have cheered at that moment. Remus using 'Tonks' usually meant that he was trying to distance himself; I was elated to hear him say it in an intimate manner.

Remus and I stayed at my flat that night; I don't think Sirius expected or wanted us their that night. I didn't know that night, as Remus held me and loved me that our happiness was approaching a hiatus. My mind wasn't concerned with Voldemort or the Ministry; I didn't think that those two things coupled with some grave events would soon tear us to pieces. All that mattered was that day… that night and our passionate love.

_  
A/N: The song above is "Your Song" by Elton John. Please review, thank you for reading._


	14. Sky is Falling

_A/N: So, you might have noticed I actually took more than a day to update. I graduated from school (go me, go BA's) and I was gone for the whole weekend. So... here it is. I'm not too fond of this chapter. I'll like the next chapter more. I think i'm a bit anti-relationship right now. Oh, and I noticed that the two chapters that get the most hits are the one w/ Moody/Tonks and the on where Remus/Tonks have sex. You pervs :P_

It was a little over a week after Valentine's Day that Harry's interview came out in _The Quibbler_. No one in the Order knew he gave an interview, much less to a magazine like that. I was proud of his courage to tell everyone so many intimate details of what must have been one of the most painful nights of his life. At work, there was quite a buzz surrounding the article. I couldn't give my all-out support for Harry; I thought it'd be a little suspicious. I tried to be as 'on the fence' as I could. Scrimgeour soon announced that tabloid-esque magazines, such as _The Quibbler_, are not to be read at work, and if we wanted to spend our days gossiping about so-called news, we could do so seeking another job.

I saw that Macnair's name in the list of Death Eaters. I wondered if he would be investigated for this. I highly doubted it, but it did increase my bitterness I was investigated for merely dating someone who once associated with someone who was a criminal, in the Ministry's eyes at least. I passed Macnair in the Atrium later that day; he was bashing Harry. I caught words like 'delusional' and 'asking for trouble.' I hurried to Grimmauld Place. Quite a few members of the Order were already there. I saw Remus come in as I was putting my cloak in the closet. He said a quick 'hi' and breezed by me. I felt a slight pang of disappointment, but he was probably in a hurry.

Then I realized that most of Order didn't know we were really dating. I wondered if he was ashamed of dating me. I shrugged that feeling off and went downstairs. Remus was wedged between Kingsley and Hestia Jones. I sat next to Sirius, nudged him and glanced at Remus. He shrugged but whispered, "I have no idea." I held back a nasty glare; I didn't like dredging up arguments in front of people. 

Kingsley and Moody led the meeting. Moody told us all to have a mild, but shocked response about the article when in large groups. However, when in a one-on-one conversation we could 'confess' that we believe his story and try to convince people that Voldemort _is_ back. Moody pointed out that Harry would be in danger at school, not from outside, but from the children of the named Death Eaters. I asked if we should put a person from the Order there; Moody said that Snape and McGonagall would suffice… not to mention Dumbledore. I smiled and muttered something about using Floo Powder before lighting a fire. "It seems you know all about that." Moody said; the corners of his mouth twitched.

Kingsley gave a talk on the Ministry's plan to remove Dumbledore from office. He said that they'd have to catch him doing something quite horrendous to justify that line of action, but Fudge is trying. Kingsley said that Fudge has him on-call incase they have any trips to Hogwarts for any incidents that might come up. When the meeting adjourned, Moody lingered for a few minutes. I wondered if he took my comment as flirtation. I know I didn't mean it like that, at least not consciously. Remus went upstairs to see everyone out. Sirius gave me a hard look. "Was _Moody_ your Person B?"

I didn't know what to say… that seemed like a different life, a different me. My silence confirmed his suspicions. "Please, don't tell Remus… It was just a fling." I gulped. Sirius didn't look like he wanted to tell his best friend who the last man had been. "Anyways, it doesn't seem Remus wants to have a public relationship." My voice sounded unusually harsh.

Sirius sighed and said that's something Remus and I would have to hash out. Sirius went upstairs, leaving me alone in the kitchen. I made myself a cup of tea, a habit I picked up from Remus. I didn't realize I was crying until I saw the ink bleed from the article I was reading from _The Quibbler_. Remus came in the room a bit later; he looked tired. "Are you alright?" Came his gravelly voice. I wiped my eyes on my sleeve. Remus sat down next to me. "I'm sorry about tonight… I… I didn't know if we wanted to be open about our relationship."

I thought that was a lame explanation. "So, you're fine being with me when we're shagging or out in the Muggle world, but around our friends and people we know it's all of a sudden secret? I feel like I've gone from your girlfriend to hallway whore in the matter of a meeting." Remus looked taken about by my sharp words.

"No, that's not it at all." He had a hurt look on his face. "I didn't think it was prudent to… well, the Order is trying to stop Voldemort, it doesn't seem right that we use it as our dating field." I didn't quite follow his logic. "We're supposed to be fighting Voldemort and I thought it'd look bad if they knew we—if they knew that are a couple."

I raised my eyebrows. Remus hadn't used the peer pressure excuse before. "Remus, we're either together or not. I don't care if the whole Order knows I love you; they'll get over it. Half of them know already!" I said thinking of Molly, Arthur and Kingsley. Ok, not quite half. "I don't think the rest of them would be that surprised if they found out." I started hyperventilating.

Remus opened his mouth, closed it, then said in a hallow voice. "You're right. I'm a bit of a fool when it comes to these things. We're a couple and it shouldn't matter what other people think." Remus sighed; I could tell he was angry with himself. He rubbed my cheek gently. "I love you, Tonks." A few more tears leaked out of my eyes.

"I love you too, Remus." I sighed; I had a sinking feeling that Remus would always be at odds with himself over our relationship. Remus tried to reconcile things in the bedroom, but I wasn't up for it that night. He still held me the whole night. I was at least relieved that he could hold me all night without continually pestering me for sex. 

Remus, in an attempt to prove he could be mine in public, took me out to lunch at a café that people from the Ministry frequent. Remus and I sat near the window, we could see the Muggles passing; they were unaware of the restaurant. We split a sandwich and a bowl of soup. We chatted away lunch and he even walked me back to Auror Headquarter. We passed Scrimgeour and Dawlish, both of whom regarded us with nasty glares. Remus kissed me on the cheek when we were at my cubicle. "I'll see you later tonight." He said softly. Maybe I'm a bit flippant, but his public display of our relationship made me feel a lot better about us. Dawlish gave Remus another sneer and it sounded like he said something to him, but nothing came of it.

It was Remus' birthday soon after that. I wanted to do something special for Remus. He was always thinking of little ways to show his love, I wanted to do the same for him… but bigger cause it was his birthday. I made another desperate trip to the Weasley's house. Molly and I sat for a cup of tea in their living room. I told her that Remus' birthday was a little over a week away and I didn't know what to do for him. She and I both agreed that it wasn't enough time to knit him something and another drawing would didn't feel right either. Arthur walked by and said all men love home cooked meals.

Molly and I exchanged overwhelmed looks of apprehension. Molly taught me an easy dinner, lemon chicken, fancy rice, carrots with white wine and strawberry shortcake for dessert. Molly was kind enough to do the strawberry shortcake for me. I made the lemon chicken for Arthur and Molly one night. They both said it was really good. I felt somewhat optimistic about pulling this off.

I woke Remus up early on his birthday. We had to work that day, so I had to get some Birthday fun in before work. I woke him up with the same big kiss I wanted to give him on Valentine's Day. He was smiling with his eyes closed. "Happy Birthday, mon amour." I said biting his neck gently. Remus let out a low moan and kissed my neck gently. He and I were late to work; the first time in a while I should add. We rode the elevator together. Before I got out at my floor, I leaned into him and said, "Meet me at my place around seven." I squeezed his hand before leaving.

We had a great night together. I took half the day off and prepared the meal and the ambiance. I did get Remus a book for his birthday. I had caught him admiring a book on Magical Sights in Spain a few weeks back. The book was neatly wrapped (another area Molly helped). I had it resting on the counter next to a vase of flowers. Remus got to my flat right at seven. Dinner was almost ready. I had spent a good deal of time cleaning up. Remus looked around the apartment and noted how nice it looked. I grinned. "The food smells good too." He was about to ask where it was from when he saw the pots and pans. "You cooked?" He asked smiling.

I kissed him and gave him his present. He blushed and said thanks. Remus always blushed when people bought him gifts. He opened it and let out an excited "oooh, I've had my eye on this book." We sat down to dinner a short while later. Remus and I tossed a salad together. …no pun intended. The food wasn't that bad; Remus really seemed to like it. Afterwards I excused myself to the bathroom and came out in a cute nighty I had from a while ago. He hadn't seen me in any sort of lingerie before. The moment would have been extremely sexy if I hadn't tripped over my shoes. Remus was enthralled nonetheless. "You have no idea what you do to me." He said kissing me eagerly. He later told me that I was his best birthday present to date. I smacked him playfully saying the whole night had been the present. 

Remus and I slipped back into our comfortable groove in terms of our schedules. Sirius was slipping back into a brooding mood, so we spend a lot of time with him to cheer him up. Sirius really wanted to go and show his support for Harry. Some nights all we could do to keep him from running off to Hogwarts was to remind him that the Dementors still had a Kiss stored up for him. Sirius' mood would change with the ease I change my hair. He kept Remus and me on our toes.

It was a little over a month before Remus and I had another spat equal to the one we had over the Order meeting. Remus and I were… well in the throes of passion when there was a loud noise downstairs. Sirius was in a state of utter intoxication and safely tucked in bed. We put our robes on and went down, wands drawn out. We didn't bother to look presentable, Remus and I were drenched with sweat; we had the obvious look of two people who were interrupted having sex.

Dumbledore was in the entranceway riffling through his pockets for something. He looked up as we made the steps creak. "Ah! Nymphadora, Remus. How great to see you." We had rather dumbstruck looks on our faces; we hadn't seen much of Dumbledore at all much less at this time of night. "I have been, well, removed from my position at Hogwarts- for the time being that is. Would you like to follow me into the sitting room so I can inform you?" We followed Dumbledore forgetting the awkwardness. "First, let me apologize for the lack of warning to my arrival."

Remus, who was blushing a deep color red, said "No need… we shouldn't—" Dumbledore waved a hand as if to say it wasn't a big deal. I wondered what Remus was going to say we shouldn't have been doing. 

"If I recall correctly," Dumbledore said with a smile, "your time at Hogwarts never included the Headmaster finding you in _this_ sort of compromising situation. I am quite relieved to finally have seen you have some fun. Even more relieving is to see that you're _still_ finding ways to enjoy yourself, Nymphadora." I felt my neck burn red. Thankfully, Dumbledore went on without any more references to sex or our youthful indiscretions. 

Dumbledore filled us in on how Harry was caught teaching a group of kids Defense Against the Dark Arts and Dumbledore took the heat. They had named themselves "Dumbledore's Army" and Fudge took that to mean that they were truly his army. Fudge, Dawlish, Percy, and Kingsley were there to arrest Dumbledore. I almost cheered when Dumbledore said he had to take them down. Well, I liked the idea of someone taking Dawlish out. Dumbledore planned on going on with his work for the Order, but he'd be discreet about it.

Remus looked grave when Dumbledore left that night. We were to inform the Order on the events of that night. The way information was passed was quite simple. We'd send a patronus with our message to one person who would send it to their person. We decided to tell Sirius about it in the morning, when he was a little less intoxicated.

Later, when the discussion about Dumbledore's expulsion died down, Remus asked me about the Headmaster's ambiguous statement about me still enjoying myself. I thought he'd ask about that sooner or later. I laughed, it was quite a memory… or well, series of memories. "Well, the first I got caught was with," I felt my cheeks get hot, "Stan Shunpike." Remus coughed. "Yes, the conductor on the Knight Bus. He and I were in the hallway near the kitchens. He was a horrible kisser." I went on to describe the situation. It wasn't as dreadful to explain as I thought it'd be.

Remus had a benign smile on his face. "That was the first time? So there were other incidents?" I could tell this was quite amusing to him so I went on to tell him the time Charlie and I were caught in the Quidditch Pitch. He and I had quite a passionate relationship. We didn't really date, just met one another's carnal needs. I went on about three other guys. Remus looked slightly taken aback by the amount of guys I was with at school. "It seems you _are_ a lot like Sirius." He paused for a moment then said, "Did you love any of them?" Remus sounded a bit harsh. I bit my lip; I thought Remus would be a little more understanding.

"It wasn't about love with them. I've told you this before, but you're the first man I've pursued for something more than a casual relationship… the first I've really loved" I felt that Remus was reevaluating me and it was quite unfair. He had said he wouldn't think any different about me no matter what my past was. "What are you thinking?" I asked tentatively.

Remus sighed; his face was unreadable. "I can't believe I'm the first man you've felt this way about. It makes me feel so… perverse from being your first." I laughed; Remus really did get caught up on the strangest things.

"I think most people would be… honored… proud, touched…something other than ashamed to be someone's first. Besides, you've been perfect." I smiled sleepily. We went to bed shortly after that getting up after a few hours sleep. Remus had the pleasure of informing Sirius that he slept through Dumbledore's visit. Sirius was deeply troubled by the news of Dumbledore's expulsion from Hogwarts. He didn't act out or hint at rash behavior- not overtly at least.

Remus didn't broach the past boyfriend topic. He seemed to come to terms with the idea of me having a sexual history and, for the most part, kept his work about not seeing my any differently. Remus, Sirius and I were busy being the liaison between Dumbledore and the rest of the Order. Sirius did become slightly more agitated as time went on; he felt like a note taker and a passive participant in the action. He talked about leaving at every meal.

I thought Sirius' rash behavior reached an all-time high until Harry talked to Sirius and Remus in the fire. I was a bit taken aback when I got to Grimmauld Place that night. Remus and Sirius were both puffy-eyed and talking in low whispers. I asked if everything was alright; the first thought that came to mind was that someone had died. Sirius had a hard look on his face and didn't say anything to me.

"Harry came and talked to us using Floo Powder." Remus started; he was slightly pale. "It seems that things are a lot worse at Hogwarts than we thought. Snape stopped Occlumency and" I interrupted with a loud 'why?' Remus grimaced, as if he was mad at himself for something. "Harry saw a memory of Snapes and it made James look really…"

"Made him look like a git. We were picking on Snape; granted, he deserved it." Sirius said in a hallow voice. "That was the first Harry's seen of his dad and…" His voice cracked slightly, "He came out of it seeing his dad as a bully and felt sorry for Snape. It's all my fault." Remus shook his head and grabbed Sirius' shoulder in the kind of way guys to when they want to hug, but their either sitting or too cool for hugs. 

"How is it your fault?" I asked. I could see how Harry would feel bad for Snape is his dad and his dad's best friends were picking on a professor, but I didn't think it'd forever tarnish his image of his father. I hoped not at least.

"We were all there." Remus said stating the obvious. "Sirius had said something about being bored, then James saw Severus and started our confrontation." Remus sighed heavily. "If anyone has fault in this, it's me. I _was_ a prefect. I could have stopped it."

I couldn't believe they were both being so unbalanced about this. It was only a memory. They were only kids at the time it happened. "I think you're both taking your actions at the age of what? 14? 15? A little too harshly. You're both different people now; James matured so much after that. I'd assume at least. He _did_ get married after all. And what are we going to do about Snape not teaching Harry Occulmency? I could go and—"

"No, I'll go and reason with him." Remus said throwing a sideways glance at Sirius. "I think he'll resist…but I have to try." Remus did go to Hogwarts that night. He went in the same fashion I had. He used the Floo from my house and popped into Snape's bedroom during sleep hours. Remus didn't use the same tactics I did. Apart from pouring ice cold water out of his wand onto Snape's bed, the visit sounded absolutely civil. Remus highly doubted that his trip had any affect on Snape's behavior.

I was quite tempted to go and visit Snape while Remus was transformed that month. I wanted to see if I could persuade him more affectively than Remus. I decided against it. Remus seemed to know I was up to something. He stayed up most of the night and slept half on me. When we woke up in the morning I asked him if he was trying to keep me in bed the previous night. He answered me by asking if I was trying to get out of bed for any particular reason. It seemed that Remus and I spent less time together that morning than we usually did after a full moon. He did a song and dance about needing to finish some work. That would have been normal if it weren't a Saturday.

I went straight to Grimmauld Place that morning. Sirius was in a surly mood. I noticed that he had the lingering smell of alcohol seeping through his skin. "Have you eaten?" I asked taking in his face which had been getting thinner over the past months. Sirius shook his head. "I'll whip up some eggs." I said cheerily. Sirius usually would have said something about the dangers of me cooking; instead he looked around as if Remus would pop out of the wall and offer to cook instead. "I don't know where Remus went this morning. He said he had some work to finish up. He's never had to go in on a Saturday." I was looking for the pots and pans I needed. "D'you know where he went off to?" I asked while stirring the eggs together. I could only manage scrambled eggs. Sirius shook his head and looked genuinely baffled about Remus' absence.

Remus popped in later that afternoon. I was tempted to grill him about his outing, but I didn't want to seem like the crazy/obsessive type. I was curious about the benign smile that played on his face the rest of the day. We stayed at Grimmauld Place the rest of the night. Neither of us felt comfortable leaving Sirius alone for extended periods of time. Kreacher was acting out of sorts too. I thought that the house had a maddening affect on its inhabitants. I wondered if Buckbeak would start to rampage next.

The week passed by rather quickly. Nothing came out of Remus' mysterious disappearance. I thought he might have divulged his whereabouts to Sirius. He kept hinting at something big and life changing coming up. Sirius didn't do this when Remus was in the room. I thought maybe Sirius was planning on going out and trying to prove his innocence. Remus was acting a bit strange, but I thought it was from prolonged exposure to Grimmauld Place. I pushed it to the back of my mind; everyone can act off beat once and a while.


	15. Breaking of a Heart

It was that Thursday that we fought the Death Eaters at the Ministry of Magic. Remus, Kingsley, Moody and I were at Grimmauld Place with Sirius. It was a 'let's cheer up Sirius' meeting. The sight of Snape coming in broke up our get together. He didn't look upset, injured or out of sorts so we were taken aback by his sudden presence in the room. "Ah, game night." He said in a nasty voice. "I'm sorry I'll have to break this up, but it appears that Potter and some of his friends have gone into the Department of Mysteries to look for Black." Sirius' face fell in disbelief. "The Dark Lord must have made Potter think he had you there. I'm sure it is a trap. Foolish boy. He has utterly failed in his Occlumency lessons."

"You stopped teaching them!" Sirius yelled. Remus looked angry but refrained from yelling. Snape sneered and told Sirius that it was Harry's choice to discontinue his lessons.

"Shouldn't we be off to the Ministry… a group of kids and a possible Death Eater ambush?" I broke apart the pissing match. The others grabbed their wands and headed upstairs. When I got to the stairway, I looked back. Snape was leaning close to Sirius, whispering something with a malevolent look in his eyes.

"I don't think you have the gall to go and fight." I heard him whisper. I glared at Snape as he straightened up and said in a louder voice. "You need to stay behind to inform Dumbledore when he arrives. That's all your good for anyways." Snape left without another word.

"_Kreacher!_" Sirius yelled. The old houseelf appeared with a crack. Sirius told the elf to tell Dumbledore that we were in the Department of Mysteries fighting Death Eaters. The houseelf looked oddly pleased. Remus didn't voice the concern that was etched on his face. Kingsley met us on the stairs, he was headed back down to see if we were coming or not. The others looked slightly surprised to see Sirius headed out with us. They didn't say anything either. I guessed they were relieved to have another accomplished dueler with us.

The Ministry was oddly empty when we got there. We rode the elevator down to the 9th level. It seemed like a scene from a movie. We were all anxious, too much so to talk. The elevator moved as if it had been greased down with molasses. The voice from the elevator announced each level as we passed. Moody and Kingsley looked calm and mostly collected. Remus looked like a person who was wishing he had studied for five more minutes. I figured he always got that look before something important. Sirius looked thrilled; I was slightly worried by that, but I knew it was his first outing in months.

When the door opened we moved quietly towards the Department of Mysteries. Moody's clunking leg was a bit of a giveaway. Then I put a silencing charm on it. Kingsley was leading the way. We weren't sure where they'd be. We made our way towards what seemed to be the central room.

When we opened the door there were Death Eaters around Harry and another boy. We entered with a sprint. I shot a hex off at Malfoy. I was pleased to see him jump out of the way. Remus and Moody fought their ways down the stairs. Sirius was halfway down when he met a Death Eater in a Duel. My aunt Bellatrix approached me with a vindictive gleam in her eyes.

"You filthy mudblood-traitor." She said sneering. "Perhaps having you sent back in a box will teach your mother why she shouldn't breed with mudbloods." I shot off a few hexes; Bellatrix deflected them. 

I couldn't think of a witty retort. I felt hatred surge through me. I couldn't stand her self-righteous gab about being pureblood. I aimed more hexes at her, hoping to cause as much pain as I could. She sent one last hex at me. It missed me but hit the stairs. Enough of the stone crumbled away that I fell. The first few blows were painful, after that I blacked out. I remember finally coming to a stop and trying to watch the fight go on.

Parts of it went in and out of focus. I saw Sirius dueling with Bellatrix in my place. Well, I didn't see it, I heard them shouting. The next thing I remember hearing was Harry yelling for Sirius. Remus' voice carried to me next; then Harry shouted that Sirius was not dead. My brain was telling my limbs to move but they weren't complying. The fighting died a few minutes later. Dumbledore came in and got most of the Death Eaters. I was out again. The next thing I remember was Moody trying to revive me. I didn't realize it was him.

I was moaning Remus' name. I wanted to know he was ok. I felt a rough hand checking my pulse. The hand was familiar. "Mad-Eye." I said in a raspy voice. He was holding a torn bit of cloth to my bleeding side. I hadn't realized I was bleeding until he took the cloth away to adjust it.

I made to talk again when he said, "It's best to keep quiet right now, Tonks." He had a determined glare in his eye. I noticed his magical eye was missing. Moody was keeping busy with checking my wound. I reached up and brushed some of the hair out of his face. My arm shook as I raised it. "Don't. I'm ok. You need to get to St. Mungo's." He looked around at the other. Remus was crying silently and conjuring bandages for Kingsley. Remus caught my eye and gave me a worried look. "I… I see you two gave things a shot since Christmas." Moody said with a slight growl. "I'm happy for you." In most circumstances, I would have said something about Moody finding someone and how things would work out for him in that department. But I didn't. My mind was with Remus. My attention snapped back to Moody when he said, "I know I wasn't really romantic when we were together… and I should have said it, but I do love you…even if I'm not the man you want to be with." Moody's hand was resting on my leg and he was brushing the hair out of my face.

Moody stopped talking as Remus walked up. His eyes told me how distraught he was. I hadn't quite put things together yet. I was expecting that Sirius was lying somewhere I couldn't quite see. "Remus," I said reaching out to him. Moody had gotten up and limped off, probably to find his eye. Remus leaned close to me. "I was so worr— What's wrong? Is it Harry?" I attempted to sit up.

Remus put a hand on my shoulder and shook his head. "It's not Harry. Sirius… he's." Tears trickled down his cheeks as he swallowed. "He's dead. He fell through the veil." I looked up in horror. I reached up and gave Remus the best hug I could considering that I couldn't sit up. Remus sniffed loudly. "I should get you to some help." He conjured a stretcher and lifted me on it. I was going in and out of consciousness while he guided me up the stairs. He and Moody were talking in low voices. There was a Mediwizard in the Atrium. I tried to sit up again after they took me; I wanted to stay with Remus. I kept telling them I was well enough to stay.

They must have completely ignored my pleas to stay. I woke up sometime later feeling groggy and out of sorts. I heard my mom's voice first. "Nymphadora?" She was stroking my hand as if she could coax me awake by doing so. "Honey, it's ok. You're at St. Mungo's." My eyes opened enough for me to see her face. My dad was standing behind her. "Remus was here, he told—"

I craned my neck to look around. "Remus? Is he here? Is he alright?" I was thrashing around. My parents made shushing noises and I settled down after a few minutes. "It's Sirius, is he ok? Remus said he died." I bit my lip anxiously. I didn't know if my parents knew about Sirius at all; I could have created a big problem.

"Sirius is" Mom's voice faltered. "Dead. He fell through the Veil. Remus explained everything to us… and" She began to sob. "I only wish I knew while he was alive." Mom was reduced to bitter sobs. Dad comforted her and led her out of the room.

I was alone for only a few minutes when Bill Weasley came in. I was a bit surprised to see him. I guessed that Molly probably sent him there to check up on me. "Wotcher, Tonks." He said while eyeing me critically. He seemed to look at my hands a bit more than could be considered normal. I smiled back; well, I tried to smile back. "Has Remus been in to see you?" He asked checking my hands again. 

"No, I've just woken up." Bill looked smug about something. "Why do you ask?" Bill ignored my question. He started asking about my injuries and then threw in some more questions about Remus. "Ok, really," I finally said, "What's with the Remus questions? You guys start dating?" I tried smiling again.

Bill sat next to me, a conspiratorial look on his face. "Promise not to tell him that I told you?" He said his face filled with look of utmost eagerness. I nodded. "I ran into Remus the other week. Out shopping. We were at a ring store."

"Why were you at a ring store?" I asked thickly. Then the obvious question hit me, "Why was Remus at a ring store?"

Bill broke into a smile. "I just got engaged." He said with a broad smile. "And, well, Remus hinted he was there for the same reason."

It was at that point that I would have needed to sit if I hadn't been lying down. I couldn't believe it; I didn't think he was planning on popping the question. Maybe it was his way of showing me he could always be with me. My heart beat excitedly. "Did he say when he was going to do it?" I asked trying not to fall out of bed.

"No, he didn't. That's why I was looking for a ring. I didn't want to congratulate before he asked." Bill was grinning and so was I. Then I thought about that night and figured that Remus would wait a bit before asking. It didn't seem like him to think about something as self-centered as marriage right then.

Remus came in to see me that evening. I wanted to get up so I could hold him. He looked just like I thought he would. His face had an even expression, but his eyes betrayed his grief, shock, disbelief. He sat on my bed, his face showed a lot of pain. I reached out and squeezed his hand. I didn't know what to say. I knew that words wouldn't make him feel better about Sirius' death. Remus finally drew in a deep breath to talk. "I was worried about you. I thought you might… well, I'm just glad you're going to be alright."

I noticed that Remus wasn't meeting my eyes when he spoke to me. "Remus, I have a dangerous job. This could have happened in any context. It's… it's just part of my life." I breathed deeply and went into what I hoped were some consoling words. "I realize you're grieving Sirius… I can't imagine how this is for you. You're not the only one that lost him… you have people with whom you can grieve." I was rubbing Remus' hand gently. "It's late… do you want to stay here?" I asked scooting over.

Remus had a hallow look as he kicked his shoes off and laid next to me. The look on his face was similar to the one he had when he had it in his head to call things off. I mistook it for grief. "This is the second time I've lost him." Remus said after a lengthy silence. I stroked his hair in the same way I petted him as a wolf. "The only ray of consolation in his death is that they know he was innocent." Remus was idly rubbing my arm. Tears were falling from his eyes. 

"I'm grateful that you were able to rekindle your friendship with him, learn of his innocence and spend a great deal of time together." Remus nodded blankly. I didn't think my words were sinking in at all, but I liked to think they were comforting on some level. "I love you, Remus Lupin." Remus sighed deeply and said we should get some sleep.

We woke up the next morning with a shriek from the Healer. She was one of those fussy maternal types. Apparently, it was quite a shock to see a witch and wizard in bed together. Remus looked slightly embarrassed. I ignored her lecture on prudent behavior. "How long till I'm discharged?" I asked feeling a bit cross. She let me leave early that morning. My parents wanted me to stay with them for a while; I declined. I wanted to stay with Remus.

Dumbledore warned us about returning to Grimmauld Place. It wasn't safe now that Sirius had died. Dumbledore had returned long enough to extract Sirius' will and some small box he handed to Remus. I was tempted to ask Remus about it, but I didn't. We stayed at my place for a while. Remus wasn't talking to me very much. I figured he was still processing his own feelings. I talked to him quite a bit, but I didn't require him to talk back. I kept the ring in mind during Remus' prolonged silence; Bill was hardly wrong about relational observations. I expected Remus would propose once the air cleared.

I went back to work a few days later. I was accommodated for following Sirius into the Department of Mysteries. Kingsley told them we were hunting him down. He explained that we merely ran into Moody and Remus on the way, and the offered to help us on the hunt. Then he explained that it was obvious he wasn't with the Death Eaters at once. Kingsley described his death. I felt guilt seep through my veins as he explained that Sirius took up my duel with Bellatrix after I fell. The Ministry sent out a full pardon; it was an empty gesture as he was dead.

The end of the school year came up quickly. We decided to see Harry off to his Aunt and Uncle's house. Moody and Kingsley thought it'd be a good idea to intimidate them a bit before allowing Harry to return. Remus and I agreed. We were all dressed in Muggle clothing. Well, for the most part. I had a Weird Sisters shirt on. I had the matching bra and panties on; they made a nice set.

Harry seemed surprised to see us. "Wotcher, Harry." I said winking. Moody growled a hello. His bowler hat was getting a lot of attention. We spotted Harry's relatives quickly. We followed Harry over to them. They looked shocked and appalled to see a group like us with Harry. His Aunt looked especially offended by my pink hair. Moody threatened him quite skillfully. We left soon after Harry did.

I tried to coax Remus into a few conversations. He didn't seem up for talking. When he did start talking to me again, I wished for the silence to return. If we weren't in the aftermath of his best friend's death, I might have caught the signs. He was planning on breaking things off with me.

"I've been meaning to talk to you." He said quietly over dinner one night. He was looking at his drink instead of looking me in the eyes. "I've been given a new assignment."

"That's great, what is it?" I asked, relieved he was speaking again.

"Dumbledore asked me to go live with a group of werewolves led by Fenrir Greyback." He finally met my eyes. The look in his eyes didn't match his proclamation. While living with other werewolves would be dangerous and would mean a lot less time together, his eyes told me there was something worse coming. "I don't think we should continue to be together." He said in a final sounding voice. He stopped eating mid-bite. Setting his fork down he said, "I do love you, Tonks. I wish things were different, but I we can't go on—at all. No more sleeping in the same bed, no more Full Moons together; I'll be too dangerous anyways. I'll be half the country away; I can't ask you to sit around and wait for me."

I felt tears leaking down my cheeks. I had been expecting him to propose, not break up with me. I thought we were past this painful cycle. "I don't want to end this… us." I said simply. "I don't care if you're going away; you could go to Canada for a three year expedition and I'd wait." Remus had a resolute expression on his face. I wanted to get through to him; I had to make him understand. "I can't just— we've been—" Words were failing me. I couldn't put together the thoughts that were streaming into my head.

"I shouldn't have put this off for as long as I did." Remus said, his voice cracking slightly. I wondered exactly how long that was, but I didn't ask. "I am too old, too dangerous and much too poor for you. On top of that, I won't be here for you. It's not going to work." Remus was on his feet. "I should go." He said quietly. He reached into his bag and pulled out his small rabbit. "Keep him safe for me."

I stood up quickly. I hurried to catch him at the door and hugged him tightly. "This isn't over." I said into his chest. He kissed my forehead and said in a quiet voice. "Yes, it is." With that, he left. I fell against the door. I was sobbing. I hugged Freckles tightly. It smelled like concentrated Remus cologne. I wasn't sure what time I finally stopped crying and fell asleep, but I woke up in my bed the next morning with a throbbing headache. It was the kind that comes from one of two things, drinking too much or crying too much. It took me a moment to remember why I felt so horrible. Then the previous night came back to me like a brick boomerang.

I barely had time to brush my teeth before leaving for work. I didn't even bother changing my robes. I only regretted not doing so after seeing the looks of bewilderment from my coworkers. I passed a mirror and stopped. My hair was a familiar shade of brown. I didn't bother to change it. I sat down at my desk, feeling that I might go home sick today. Dawlish poked his face in; not something to see that early in the morning.

"Hear the big news?" He asked taking in my appearance. I shook my head. Normally I would have said something about him being voted 'Most vile auror' or a similar jibe. "Scrimgeour is up for Minister. They're ousting Fudge." I wasn't surprised that Fudge was getting the boot, but I hadn't seen Scrimgeour as Minister material. "Do you know what that means?" Dawlish had a selfish, eager look in his eyes.

I knew what he was getting at, but I couldn't pass up my next remark. "You'll have someone else's buttocks to kiss?" I cringed at the thought of Dawlish as head of our department. I knew there were people ahead of him in terms of seniority, but I wouldn't put it past Scrimgeour to do that.

I slipped out of my cubicle, ignoring Dawlish completely. He was making suggestive remarks about what he'd do as Department Head. I leaned against the wall to Kingsley's cubicle. "Going somewhere?" I asked watching him peel down all of the Sirius memorabilia.

"I'm going undercover." He said quietly. "And, well, with Sirius gone I thought I should get this stuff into storage." Kingsley couldn't openly express his grief about loosing Sirius; he had been in charge of tracking him down after all. "I think you'll have a new assignment before too long." Kingsley had a picture of Sirius and Remus in his hand. "Would you give this to—are you alright?" He took a look at me as he handed me the picture.

I took the picture and bit my lip. "I think things are over between Remus and me. I said not looking at Kingsley. "He said he's going to live with the werewolves and… he doesn't want to keep me in a relationship. I guess." I was still angry about the situation. 

"Maybe you should bring that over to his place sometime and talk him 'round." Kingsley said. I smiled bleakly. "I hate to tell you… but Dawlish will be your new supervisor." I flared my nostrils. "They're _not_ making him Head of the Department." He looked around and continued in a quiet voice. "Word has it he's selected you and a few other Aurors to live in Hogsmeade and guard the school."

I was going to complain and ask if he could do anything to change the situation when Scrimgeour came out of his office with Robards. They were both looking smug. Scrimgeour announced that Gawain Robards would be his successor because he was going to take Fudge's job as Minister. We all applauded politely. I held back a grimace; I didn't know Robards, but word had it that he was puppet material.

The next few days saw a lot of change in our department and in the entire Ministry. There were two murders. One of Emmeline Vance was murdered as was Amelia Bones. Bones' death shook a lot of the Ministry. There were reports that the Dementors were breeding, which caused a lot of creepy fog. Then, there was the attack on a Muggle Bridge; they had a hard time hiding the wizard involvement. It was in the middle of all of this that I was told about my assignment in Hogsmeade. Dawlish had a lusty look in his eyes as Robards sat us down to explain everything. Arthur was promoted to lead a small group of Law Enforcement personnel. I thought it was high time they gave him a better position. I went over to the Weasley's to celebrate. 

Remus couldn't make it; Molly said he had other plans. I had been over to their place on a few occasions after the breakup. Molly didn't say anything about it in front of Ron, Hermione, or Ginny. I wasn't quite as upbeat as usual. I tried to make nose-impressions but it was difficult, much more difficult than usual. I met Fleur, Bill's fiancé. She was haughty and seemed to regard me as a threat; probably because Molly favored me. I didn't bother explaining that I wasn't interested in Bill; I thought it might send her into a tizzy. I left shortly after dinner, Molly told me to come by whenever. She reiterated the whenever part. 

I decided to give Remus the picture Kingsley entrusted me with a couple of days after that. I went over in the evening. I knew the full moon was a few days off and I wanted to catch him while he was going through his wolfish urges. I was dressed a little more carefully than usual. I couldn't get my hair pink; that bothered me. When I opened the door and walked in I almost broke a vase he had on the table. It wasn't out of clumsiness but out of shock. Remus was in bed, with another person.


	16. With Love, Remus

I paused in the entryway. Maybe he was doing the one-man act a bit vigorously. Sirius' retelling of Remus at school came vividly to mind. Then voices drifted out of the room. It was a woman's voice. "Oh Remus, some things _do_ get better with age." Her voice had the bumpy sound of a person keeping their voice even while being shagged.

Remus' voice came out with more of a growl than it usually did. "You have no idea, Farah." I could have been knocked over with a feather. I set the picture down on the table and left, accidentally knocking over the same vase I had trouble with on my way in. I thought I heard the sound of their lovemaking being interrupted, but I didn't stop or slow down until I felt Remus' hand around my upper arm.

"What do you want?" I felt a bit stupid asking that after I was the one that had been in his apartment unannounced. I tried my best to sound annoyed, even angry; I didn't want the sound of my heartbreak to come oozing out.

"I—you were in _my_ place." He said furrowing his brow. He looked upset, almost angry.

"I came by to drop off a picture Kingsley gave me. I left it on your table." I paused for a moment, debating whether or not I should voice the thoughts surging through my mind. In a moment of fury, I unleashed all of the angry and spiteful feelings surging through me. "Is _that_ the reason broke up?" I gestured vaguely at his house. "What happened to being too old, too dangerous, or too poor? That doesn't seem to apply to her. You can shag her without guilt, but you won't even look at me in the eyes! Am I that reprehensible?" Remus was trying to interrupt me, but I kept going. "If you just wanted to hook up with that _minger_, you could have had the decency to be honest about it! In stead, you went on like you were some sort of tragic hero, always forgoing your own pleasure for the common good. I can see that the only thing you wanted to forgo was me." I could tell I was hurting him, but I didn't care. I thought he should partake in the same suffering I was enduring. "Was this your plan all along? Leave my flat and start on her?" I was tempted to slap him, do something to shake him out of his stunned silence. "You're despicable." I spat. I turned on the spot and left. The last I saw of Remus, he had a bewildered look on his face.

A few minutes later, I was knocking on Molly's door. She had been up, I couldn't imagine why. "Who is it?" She asked wearily. She was extremely concerned with security.

"It's Tonks." I said my voice cracking. She opened the door and saw the state I was in. She ushered me in and started a pot of tea. Molly guided me to a seat by the kitchen table. "What are you doing up so late?" I asked.

Molly smiled wryly. "A mother never sleeps." She said simply. "And Harry is coming tonight, or in the morning, but I want to be up incase he gets here tonight." Molly handed me a cup of tea. I said a grateful word of thanks. "Now, what brings you here?" She sat down next to me with a maternal look about her.

I took a deep breath and looked around. I caught a glimpse of myself in a mirror; I looked horrid. I sipped my tea for a moment then broke into an explanation of that night. "I wanted to give him a picture Kingsley had in his office… and I wanted to talk him into his senses. He's a bit more persuadable around the full moon. I went in and he was in bed with that Farah woman." Molly's face contracted in confusion. I explained how she and Remus dated in their twenties. "I thought she was married to some Warlock. I left once I figured out he was with her. I must have knocked something over because Remus followed me out."

I told Molly about, well, how I yelled at him. Usually I'd say 'the argument' but I didn't give him a chance to give a rebuttal to anything I said. Molly was looking at me with a worried expression on her face. I was almost done telling her everything when a horrible though came to me. "I think he's going to propose to her." Molly gave me a slightly puzzled look, and started to say she didn't think he'd be that rash. "It's just… I found out he went engagement ring shopping. He ran into Bill and Bill spilled the beans. Remus mentioned that he was ring shopping for the same reason that Bill was out shopping…but he didn't say who it was for." I was talking rather fast. I could feel tears stinging my eyes. "I was such a prat to think he wanted to marry me."

"Now don't you go around saying things like that!" Molly said harshly. "Remus would be lucky to have you, and he's being a right old toad. Mucking things up like that." Molly took a sip of tea and calmed down a bit. "Sometimes love takes odd detours…"

I laughed, a little colder than usual. "Love." Moody's proclamation of love floated into my sea of thoughts. "Mad-Eye said he loved me." I said in a low voice. Molly choked on her tea.

"Moody?" She clarified as if we knew several men who went by the moniker of 'Mad-Eye.' She didn't have a disgusted look on her face, but one of piqued interest. It was better than the look of horror I had imagined all of the times I almost told her about it. "Did you two date for a bit?"

I smirked perversely. Thinking about the few weeks of fun I had with Moody lifted my spirits a bit. "I wouldn't say we dated." I started, wondering if this would repulse Molly. "We just shagged a lot. I broke things off because I had feelings for Remus." My heart sank back down to where it had been. "Then when I was hurt in the Department of Mysteries, Moody said he loved me. I was quite surprised to hear it."

Molly looked thoughtful as she spoke. "Sometimes, going with a second or even third choice helps when getting over someone. It'll get your mind off Remus at least." I was slightly surprised by Molly's advice. She always seemed like a prude, but she was telling me to go jump into bed with the next guy who's available. Before I could think of a response, there was a rapping at the door. Molly got up, a worried look on her face. She crept to the door and said in a high-pitched voice. "Who is it? Declare yourself!"

It was Dumbledore and Harry. Dumbledore explained that Slughorn had been easier to persuade than he originally thought. It took them a few moments to spot me. Dumbledore's eyes swept over me, I didn't meet his gaze. He probably knew that Remus and I weren't together; I didn't want to acknowledge that right now. I said hi to Harry, trying my best to smile. "I should get going." I said standing up. "Thanks for the tea and sympathy."

Molly's attention shot back to me. She had a very concerned look on her face. "You could come by this weekend. Remus and Mad-Eye will be here." I shook my head and said thanks, but no. I left quickly. I didn't want to get into a conversation about Remus in front of Harry. I still loved Remus and I didn't want Harry to get a negative image of him.

I disapparated to my flat. I half thought that Remus would be there. I was wrong. I was alone and cold in my apartment. I didn't have the energy required to cry myself to sleep that night. The next morning was quite horrible. I still wasn't use to waking up alone. My whole body seemed to ache from the sadness I felt. People at work were starting to whisper about my hair. I wished I could make it pink just so they'd leave me alone. I knew that it was like this for a reason. Heartbreak often caused problems for Wizarding folk.

A few nights later, I received a note from Dumbledore saying that I could retrieve personal items from Grimmauld Place that night. I wasn't sure if I had things there, but I went anyways. I had lived there on and off for quite a while. I was going through Remus' old room. We had always shared it. I felt overwhelmed being there. My grief for my relationship with Remus was compounded by my grief for Sirius. I had spent so much time in that house with Remus and Sirius. I felt like I lost the two of them. I sat on Remus' bed and picked up the picture of us kissing outside of my apartment building. I started to cry; I felt so lost. I wished that Sirius was there; he always knew how to interpret Remus, and he'd yell at Remus for being thick.

I started wondering if maybe I was the one being thick. Remus was 'involved' with another woman. He wasn't sitting in a dark bedroom crying over a picture. I debated if he had any feelings for me at all. I was sniffling loudly when the door opened. Remus poked his head in. He looked surprised to see me there. I had a momentary spasm where I didn't know what to do. I want to hug him, hit him, beg him to love me back. I compensated for my indecision by standing up and tripping over my shoelaces.

Remus caught me in his arms. For a brief moment, I felt like things could make sense again. "Nymphadora," He started in a soft voice. I gazed up at him. Then, to my surprise and disgust there was a giant bite mark on his neck. I pulled myself out of his arms. I didn't want another reminder of his frolicking with that Farah woman.

Remus looked a bit shocked when I tore myself away. His face hardened slightly when I snarled, "It's Tonks, thank you." In all honesty, I didn't mind it when Remus called me Nymphadora. Most people emphasized 'nymph' while Remus stressed 'dora.' I walked past Remus and headed towards the stairs. Remus started to follow me.

"You won't even let me explain." He said with an anguished look. "It wasn't—"

"It wasn't what? Meaningful? Important? You don't need to explain yourself, Lupin. I get it you moved on quicker than I did." I couldn't believe how immature I was being. I had sworn that I'd never be a clingy person. I didn't like my behavior, but it gushed out of me like venom out of a snake.

I left Remus there. He was blinking back tears. I felt a pang of guilt at the sight. The scene that night was repeated various times over the summer. We changed the venue from time to time, but it was always the same argument. Remus didn't know that I cried myself to sleep almost every night, he didn't know that even with all the anger and bitter feelings I still wanted him more than my next breath.

I went to my parent's house on August second. They liked spending my birthday with me. I tried my best to be upbeat. Mom was looking a bit down too. "Nymphadora," Dad started slowly, "What's happened between you and Remus?" He asked with a concerned look on his face. My lip quivered and I explained his indecision about us being together, telling them how he called things off after Sirius died. I left out the part with me walking in on him shagging another woman. I didn't want to turn my parents against him; I still hoped for the impossible. My birthday was a dreary day. The only truly happy moment was when I got home that night. There was a card on my table. I recognized Remus' handwriting. I grabbed the card and read it several times before setting it down. It was friendly, in a cordial way. Remus mentioned that he was leaving late August for his mission. He signed it "_With Love, Remus_."

I started to pack my apartment. I wasn't moving to Hogsmeade for good, but I'd be there until further notice. The Ministry was going to pay the rent for my flat until I returned. I had a hard time sifting through all my possessions. I realized that Remus had been in my life for a whole year, and my flat reflected his influence. I had quite a few more books than I had the previous year. I knitted and I had a few projects started. There were pictures of Remus and I up on the wall. Elton John and Freckles were always on my bed, and I had more marshmallows than one would think necessary for one house. Then I started a project. I wasn't quite sure why I did it, or what made it seem like a good idea given the amount of fighting we did those days, but I made Remus a going away present. It wasn't anything fancy, but I hoped he'd take it with him.

I braved a visit to Remus' house. I knocked this time; at least he could ignore me if he didn't want me there. Remus opened his door, giving me a weary look. He didn't say anything. "I wanted to say goodbye before you left." I said in a meeker voice than he'd heard from me in a while. Remus moved out of the way and I walked in. His house was dark, it looked like he hadn't cleaned it in a while. He scooted some books from the table and offered me some tea. "No thank you. I just wanted to give you this." I pulled out a package; it was oddly shaped and lumpy. Remus took it and opened it slowly.

Out fell a pair of fingerless gloves. They had been difficult to make, but I was a somewhat accomplished knitter. Then a bag of marshmallows came out. Remus smiled; a piece of my cold heart melted at the sight. I had done some research on all-werewolf communities. Most of them lived as beggars during the month. I knew the marshmallows wouldn't help with that, but the gloves would keep part of him warm. Remus looked at his gift as if it were made of gold. "I… this is…" It sounded like he had a frog stuck in his throat. "Thank you, Tonks." I gave a small smile. I didn't trust myself to speak.

"I should get going, I have to pack." I turned to the door when Remus put a hand on my shoulder. I stopped, my heart beating faster. I took in a deep breath and faced him. His eyes were swimming with tears.

"You'll always be special to me, even if we aren't together." I scowled. I had been demoted from lover to friend to special. Next, I'd be a Christmas card acquaintance.

I managed a bleak smile and said, "You'll always be my life, my love." I left before my emotions got the better of me.

It would be melodramatic to say that my heart was shattered. However, it would be accurate to say that I didn't think I'd ever put the pieces of my heart together on my own. I didn't know what Hogsmeade held for me. I knew the details of my duty there. I'd have to share a flat with the other Aurors. I'd have my own room at least. I thought that I'd take the advice of many friends and try to bury my love for Remus. It pained me to even think of doing so, but I had to try.

A/N _Thanks for reading! I love reviews. A big, huge thanks to my reviewers. Let me know if I balanced the relational idiocy, I didn't want to make one of them the stupid one._


	17. Nice and Angular

During my last few days in London, I wanted to see as many people as I could. It turned out to be a nearly fruitless endeavor. I went to Diagon Alley. The changed there seemed to parallel the shifts in my life. The once busy, lively street was emptier than a library after exams. I felt that the disasters and tragedy in the Wizarding World was significantly aligned with Remus and me breaking up. I knew it was a selfish, sycophantic thought, but the two ideas were linked in my mind. I came upon Fred and George's joke shop. It popped out like red lipstick on a man's collar.

I went inside, feeling pleasantly curious. "Hey, Tonks." One of them said. I thought it was George. I attempted a smiled. I saw his nametag and knew it was George talking to me.

"Wotcher, George, Fred." My voice barely carried over the bustle of people in the store. Fred was occupied with customers. He smiled and nodded in acknowledgement. George came up to me, a worried look on his face. He had the same look in his eyes that Molly wore when she was concerned for me. 

"Everything ok?" He asked in a quiet voice, pulling me out of the crowd and walking with me towards the back of the store. I absentmindedly grabbed a box of skiving snacks and started fiddling with it. I said I was doing great. George was giving me a penetrating stare. "No, you're not." I scowled; people automatically linked my hair with not being ok. They were right, but having such an obvious marker of my state bothered me. "I can see it in your eyes." George said quietly. His hand rested on my shoulder; it was awfully close to my neck. "I want to help." He was speaking to me in a low, comforting voice.

I recoiled slightly, backing away from him. It wasn't that George didn't suit my fancy; he was as handsome as Charlie. I couldn't bear the thought of being involved with another man, especially someone who was giving indications of liking me. I didn't want my feelings for Remus to be displaced onto another man. I wouldn't mind the sex though. "I… there's no need, George. I'll— things will be alright." After a few moments, I shot around for a change of topic. "Did you hear I'm moving to Hogsmeade for a bit?" I asked, hoping that I hadn't created a ball of awkwardness between us.

George smiled. "Of course, Mum's been in a state about it. Then again, she gets in a state about everything." Fred had caught the last few sentences and said, "We're thinking about taking over Zonko's there. One of us would have to move to Hogsmeade though." Fred had a knowing grin on his face.

I acted as if his grin was an ordinary grin, not one of those annoying 'I know who you fancy' grins. "I should get going; I have a lot of packing to do." I said feeling relieved that neither of them could contradict me. I was tempted to stay, flirt with George, but my days of idle flirting were long gone. "How much for the skiving snacks?" I asked deciding I should at least buy something. I could use them to get Dawlish sick once and a while. I paid and left.

I was in Hogsmeade three days before the students arrived. I had two trunks with me when I stumbled off the Knight Bus. Stan had been obnoxious. I usually made myself look like an older woman when I rode the Knight Bus. Stan was one of those guys that didn't understand the concept of a 'one timer.'

Dawlish was already at the flat when I got there. He took the largest room. I took the room furthest away from his. I was glad to see we had our own fireplace and bathroom. Dawlish kept his creepiness to a minimum when I first arrived. Proudfoot and Savage seemed to be enough of a crowd for Dawlish to keep his tongue and hands at bay. I was grateful. It didn't take me long to get settled in. Most of the furniture and things we'd need were there already. I put up a picture of Remus and me. I accepted that we weren't going to get back together anytime soon, but I desperately wanted him. Having the picture in my room made me feel that he was a bit closer than he really was.

I didn't sleep my first night in Hogsmeade. I had Elton John and Freckles there with me, but I was terrified that Dawlish would try to sneak in. I did a lot of introspection while I stared at the ceiling. When I thought about Remus, there was always a surge of warm love, but it was mingled with anger and a drop of hatred. I didn't want to feel that towards him. I had to think of an outlet for it. The only outlet I had ever used was sex. That's why I didn't like my name. I've always been a nymphomaniac. I had been diagnosed as such at a young age, even while I was a virgin. My mom had been mortified at the thought. I tried my best to feign sexual innocence, but it was hard to hide my dire needs. She soon learned turned a deaf ear to the moans that came from my room while I was home from school. This leads me back to why I abhorred my given name. People always emphasized nymph in a knowing way, like they knew I was bubbling over with sexual urges. I preferred Tonks because it was somewhat neutral. It didn't lead people to conclusions about my behavior.

I decided to visit Hogwarts the next day. I knew I wouldn't be able to visit very often once school started. I went up to the Head's office and found it opening for me. Snape came out from behind the statue. "What are you doing here?" Snape asked with a bite to his voice.

"Nothing that concerns you." I said sneering. I stepped behind the statue before it closed. I didn't know the password. I knocked at Dumbledore's door. He called for me to enter. He seemed glad to see me. When he asked what brought me there, I didn't know what to say. "I thought I should come see if you wanted me to focus my attention on anything or anyone particular while I'm stationed up here." I said, hoping that it sounded like a legitimate reason so barge in without an appointment. 

"Ah, well, I don't have any particular assignment other than the one the Ministry gave you. I am glad they're pretending to watch for Death Eaters. I imagine that part of your assignment is to keep an eye on me?" Dumbledore smiled enigmatically.

"Not my assignment, I think Dawlish is to follow you around." I said hoping that he'd get hexed again. "I was— " I wanted to ask if he knew where Remus was, but I didn't know if it was prudent to ask. "I wondered if you could tell me where Remus is." I finally said. 

Dumbledore raised his hands and rested them on his desk. I gasped. I hadn't noticed before, perhaps I was too preoccupied, but one of his hands looked dead. Worse than dead, actually. It was like looking at a hotdog someone had tried to cook for a few days. "No need to worry about my hand, these things happen from time to tine." Dumbledore sighed. "I could tell you where he is, but a visit might compromise his safety. What I'm worried about is how a broken heart can affect an otherwise gifted witch." Dumbledore's eyes twinkled. "I hope this is not too personal for me to say, but I do hope he comes around to listen to his heart and not his head. Hopefully the two will reconcile themselves before he looses you for good."

I nodded, not really sure why I was doing so. "I should head back to the village; I think we're having a meeting tonight." I said quietly. I wasn't meeting Dumbledore's eyes. He stood politely and said I was welcome back at any time. I left and headed out. I ran into Snape, quite literally. I tripped and fell backwards.

"Watch where you're going. I'd think an Auror would be better coordinated." He said not bothering to help me up. Snape had been sharp with me as a student, at least now I could argue back without cleaning out the dungeon without magic.

"I would think that a teacher could walk through the halls without flying into people. Or is that just from your bat-like behavior?" I asked coolly. I was on my feet now. Snape was only half a head taller than me. We were inches apart, glaring at one another.

"Bat-like I may be, but at least I haven't been pushed away by a _werewolf_." His eyes glinted. Without really thinking, I made to push him against the wall. Snape stepped aside and I fell against the wall. Snape pinned me there, one arm against my chest. He was breathing as though he ran a long distance. "You need to learn proper behavior. Breaking into my chambers in the middle of the night, making snide remarks to get people roused."

I struggled under his weight. I could tell it was making him wild. "I'm not the one who's getting their jollies from restraining someone in the hallways." I felt my insides squirm. I didn't like Snape, I didn't think he was particularly attractive either. We both loathed one another and our mutual loathing had spilled over into sexual tension over the years. I wasn't sure if I should flee or kiss him. I slip out of his arms and left the castle.

I spent a good deal of the next day waiting for the Hogwart's Express to arrive. Dawlish had us patrolling the platform starting at noon. The train didn't arrive till well after seven. When it arrived the students began to pour out of the train. I spotted Ron towering over the crowd. Then there was Hermione, her bushy hair caught my eye. Harry wasn't with them. I slipped onto the train. I shot a backwards glance at Savage, Proudfoot and Dawlish; they were less adept at slipping through crowds of young people.

I wasn't sure where to start searching for Harry. He could have slipped off without me spotting him, but he was rarely apart from Ron and Hermione. I started down the train, peering into the compartments as I passed. Then I saw a compartment to investigate. The shades were drawn, definitely a suspicious sign. I opened the door and I could hear breathing. I looked around and I saw part of a shoelace in the middle of the air. I grabbed for the air near it and I felt something silky, an invisibility cloak. I pulled it off revealing Harry.

"Wotcher, Harry." I said without smiling. His nose was bleeding, it looked broken. I could tell he had been petrified. I released him and watched as got off his back. I felt the train start to move. "We should get off or we'll be walking all night." I had Harry jump off the train first, I followed right after him. Once we were on our feet I realized his nose was still bleeding.

"Who did it?" I asked. He said it was Malfoy then mumbled an awkward thanks. "No problem," I said still eyeing his nose. "I can fix your nose if you stand still." I drew close to him. He looked apprehensive, but didn't protest. "_Episkey_." I said with my wand to his nose. After a moment Harry felt is nose as if he doubted it would still be there. He let out an exuberant 'thanks.' "You'd better put your cloak on so we can walk to the school." I said not returning his grin.

I took out my wand to send a patronus to Hagrid. He'd let Harry in. I had a hard time thinking of a happy thought. I had a vague image of Remus and I passionately kissing and him vowing to never doubt us again. I shot off a patronus and received a slight surprise. It changed. I had always produced a Chimp, but what came out of my wand was large and wolf-like. We walked to the caste gates in silence.

When we got there, Harry tried to open the gate. Then, looking like a bit of a prat I thought, he tried to use _Alohamora_ on the gate. I told him it wouldn't work. He next tried to climb. I told him that wouldn't work either. There was a note of impatience in his voice when he said he'd have to sleep out there all night. "Someone's coming now." I said noticing the light drawing closer to us.

I could tell it was Snape from a distance. He started in on his Harry-Banter. Snape's eyes shot to me as he said, "There is no need to wait, _Nymph_adora, Potter is quite—ah—safe in my hands." I scowled at him and said that I had meant for Hagrid to get the message. Snape went on about Hagrid being late for the feast when he added, "Incidentally, I was interested to see your new patronus." He slammed the gates and locked them. "I think you were better off with the old one. The new one looks weak."

I saw Harry watching the two of us with an interested expression. I wanted to strangle Snape, but they were off towards the castle. I stood there for a few moments. I was surging with anger. I walked back towards Hogsmease. I went into the Three Broomsticks for a drink. Dawlish was there with Savage and Proudfoot.

"Where'd you disappear to?" Savage asked. He pulled out a chair for me. I sat down and explained how Harry was detained on the train. I told them about it as if his trainers had been caught on something. I didn't want to tell them the whole story. I had a few drinks with the guys. Proudfoot and Savage were nice enough. I found Savage's chin attractive, it was nice and angular. Then I snapped out of it, it's not normal to lust over a chin.

I spent the next few days deep in thought. I wondered if there was wisdom in moving on. I didn't want to find another bloke to love; I wasn't ready for that. I thought I could go for something more carnal and lustful. I regretted not allowing Remus to explain himself to me. I didn't know if I hanging on for something that wasn't there. I didn't know what the deal was with him and that Farah woman. It could have been one night; they could get married next June. I realized that deep down, I'd rather live an anguished existence than know that Remus had moved on. While I knew there was the chance he still loved me, I didn't want to risk knowing he didn't. Starting a fling with George didn't seem like a good idea, he was quite a few years younger than me. Then again, I was quite a few years younger than Remus. But then there was Molly. She didn't know I had 'dated' Charlie for as long as I did. I knew she'd be quite irate if I had a fling with another son of hers.

_A/N: Please review! I love reviews _


	18. Familar Head of Hair

Life in Hogsmeade was dull. Most of the job was trying to mingle with people, pry into their lives, and pretending to spy on Dumbledore. It was quite frustrating actually. I made a sport out of avoiding Dawlish. I ended up spending a lot of time with Savage and Proudfoot. They were a bit older than I was, but we knew some of the same people. They knew of Charlie Weasley and a couple other stars from my year. I found it hard to be upbeat. My hair was stubbornly brown. I tried to make it red one day, I barely go the roots the change before giving up.

A small bubble of hope grew and diminished one day when I got an Owl. My first thought was of Remus. I knew he wasn't suppose to write, it'd be dangerous, but I was foolishly optimistic. It turned out to be a letter from George Weasley. My little seed of hope died as quickly as it had been born. I read the letter, curious as to why he'd write me.

After reading the letter a few times, I gathered that he was going to be in town to scope out Zonko's. He wanted to meet me for lunch. He made it seem like an 'I'm in town and thought I'd say hi' meeting. I had a feeling he was going to make it more than that, but I agreed to meet up with him. I wanted to see a familiar face.

I wrote George back saying that a visit from a friend would be more than welcome. I didn't think of it as a date, we were meeting in the afternoon at the Three Broomsticks. When I got there, he was sitting at a table near the back. He had a blue sweater on. I couldn't help but notice his resemblance to Charlie. I sat down. He smiled broadly and said hi. I tried to smile back, but smiling was something that seemed to belong to a different Tonks. We ordered Butterbeer. Madam Rosmerta eyed the two of us with interest. She was always intent on knowing everyone's business.

"How's work been? What do they have you doing up here?" George asked after taking a few sips of his Butterbeer. I told him that I had to guard the school and Hogsmeade with three other Aurors. "That's all?" He had an incredulous look on his face. I leaned close and told him in a low whisper that we were to spy on Dumbledore. We both laughed. 

"Actually," I said leaning backing my chair for a moment then leaning halfway across the table. "I think the other Aurors are spying on me." I said in a low whisper. George shot me another dubious look. "Well, I figure that I'm awfully junior for a position like this. They must know I'm friendly with Dumbledore. I think they hope to get some information on him through me." 

George raised his eyebrows. "So your position here doesn't have anything to do with your skills as an Auror? Nothing to do with your battle in the Department of Mysteries? And naturally, they're not interested in your talent as a Metamorphagus?"

"I doubt it." I said in a gloomy voice. "I've been hauled in for chidings so often that I'm surprised my file doesn't have its own drawer. My role at the Department of Mysteries…" I let out an involuntary shudder. "I caused more harm than good, and that's where—" I stopped, I didn't know if George knew about Remus and I. "Well, as everyone's noticed, I'm not quite living up to my Metamorphagus skills."

I had been hoping George would leave my unfinished sentence alone. I could tell by the look on his face that he wanted to bring it up. "What did happen between you and Remus?" He asked with the guilty look of someone who had found their information through unofficial channels. I raised an eyebrow, feeling a tad shocked that Molly would discuss that with her sons. "I talked to Bill about it. He told me that Remus was going to pop the question."

My face fell slightly. "I don't know what happened." I said in a small voice. I explained how Remus had broken things off before, always saying he was too risky, too old, and not a good partner. "Each time we'd mend things up. But this time he said we couldn't keep getting back together. Then…" My voice quavered, "I walked in on him and another woman."

George swore loudly enough for the people next to us to look over. "Remus is more of an idiot that he looks." George had a hard look in his eyes.

"I guess that makes me the idiot who loves the idiot. Typical." I had a self-loathing grin on my face; it was the closest I had come to smiling in quite a while.

"Oh come on, Tonks. He's a fool. Any man would want you." George was talking in a level voice, but his eyes flickered with passion.

"They would want what? A woman who can change her appearance? That's a _great_ thing to be sought after for. Or is it my style and grace? I fall over more than a toddler in clown shoes." George laughed. I wasn't trying to be funny. I was glad that my self-depreciation lifted someone's spirits. I had always made fun of myself, but I couldn't smile about my faults anymore.

"There's a lot more to you than you think." George said vaguely. I snorted disbelievingly. "Even when you change your physical appearance, you're beautiful. Charlie showed me a drawing he did of you—"

"Charlie did a drawing of me?" I asked feeling surprised by the news. Charlie was quite skilled with a pen, but he was very shy of showing me his work. "I didn't know Charlie told people we dated." I said feeling rather thickheaded.

George smirked. It amazed me how much the man smiled. "He didn't call it dating. But, he did tell Fred and me some of his stories." George was grinning now.

"If that's why you're here, you're wasting your time." I said coolly. I despised the idea of someone being interested in me for a reputation I had with his brother. 

George looked taken aback. "Of course that's not why I'm here. If I wanted to shag someone, I wouldn't have to leave London. Heck, our store clerk has been clambering at Fred and me for some time. I wouldn't even have to leave work for that. You're a nice person, or you were a nice person."

I felt cut by George's remark. I didn't realize how cold I had become. It wasn't just with George either. The person I had been a year ago that time laughed easily, smiled a lot, didn't mind the occasional suggestive remark from an attractive man. "I'm sorry George; it was unfair of me to say that." I reached across the table and put my hand on George's arm squeezing it gently.

"Do you want to go on a walk?" He asked tentatively. I agreed and he led me out of the bar. We wandered around Hogsmeade; it seemed that George knew the town very well. "How are the other Aurors you're here with?"

I looked around to make sure they weren't following us. "Proudfoot's alright. He snores really loudly though." George shot me a quizzical look. "We all share a flat. I'm two room away from him and I can hear it every night." George sniggered. "Then there's Savage. He's a nice guy. He's only a few years older than I am. Dawlish is our leader. He's a git."

George had a nasty look on his face. I wondered if the Weasleys were writing a book about me for all the information they passed around. "Dad's mentioned him." George explained. "Dawlish was the one who was all for prosecuting Dad when they found out about his Flying Car." George and I weren't walking anymore. We were on a side street near the Hogshead. "Why do you think he's a git?"

George looked at me with earnest curiosity. "He's a bit creepy. He follows me around at work and he brokeintomyflat last fall. Not to mention he's always—"

"He _what?_" George asked with a disgusted look on his face. "I can't believe he didn't get hauled in for that."

I laughed coldly. "He ran off to Scrimgeour and said I invited him over and got cold feet." I was going to say that was also the first night I spent with Remus, but I was distracted by George's hand. It was brushing some hair out of my eyes. "I can't stand my hair this color. I've been trying to change it." I said glancing up at it. George said he liked it any color.

George leaned in; I could see all the freckles on his nose. "George… are you sure you want—" He kissed me gently on the lips and I let out a quiet. "This." His lips were cracked but they scraped so nicely against my skin. I kissed him back; there weren't sparks and I knew that his wouldn't make it to my list, but it was nice.

We broke apart when I heard Proudfoot's voice. "Tonks? Oh…uh…" He looked like he was going to go as red as a Weasley.

George took it in stride. "Well, that was a very interesting idea, Tonks. We'll have to discuss it more later. I should go back to London; I expect Fred is waiting up for me." He winked and left.

Proudfoot was blushing fiercely. "Sorry." He mumbled. It looked like this was the first time he'd seen someone snogging. "Dawlish sent me out to find you." He said in an undertone. I raised an eyebrow. "I hate working for him." I was surprised to hear Proudfoot talk so openly with me. I didn't say anything. I still didn't trust him.

It was early October before anything _interesting_ happened in Hogsmeade. George did write to me a few weeks after our get together. He was quite funny. He asked if I wanted to continue our discussion where it left off. The letter had a very professional tone to it. I decided against it. George was a lot of fun, and quite cute, but he reminded me too much of Charlie. I'd hate to say the wrong name in bed. I kept George's letter. It made me smile when I felt bleak.

I spent a lot of nights in the various hot-spots in Hogsmeade. There weren't very many hot-spots so I spend most of my time either at the Three Broomsticks or at the Hogshead. I kept to the Three Broomsticks mainly. During one of my nights at the Hogshead, I thought I saw a familiar head of hair enter and exit quickly. I got up and followed it out. I caught a glimpse of a robe swishing around a corning into a side street. I followed it hoping that I wouldn't have a bout of clumsiness. I entered the dark alley and didn't see my prey. I started to think I had imagined it all together when I heard his voice and felt his hands cover my mouth.

"I'm surprised to see such a _reputable_ woman at a place like the Hogshead." Snape hissed in my ear. His lips were so close to my neck that I could feel his breath warm my skin. I felt the familiar excitement of anger filling my veins. I whipped around, ripping out of Snape's grip. 

"You shouldn't attempt words you don't understand, Severus." I pushed him against the wall and forcibly kissed him. His lips were soft, almost feminine. I was quite surprised that he was returning my kiss with the same ferocious disgust that I was using.

He pushed me away and started to say in his low hiss, "Fifty points fro—" I laughed harshly. He still saw me as a pesky student. There was a glint in his eyes that told me he was quite riled up. I bit his neck aggressively, much harder than I'd usually nibble. We didn't speak during our hour in the alley. Usually I'd say shagging was passionate, erotic, something sensual. This encounter couldn't be described with the aforementioned adjectives, heck, I wouldn't even call it personal. It was raw; not innocent raw but raw like a piece of meat cut from an animal while the heart was still beating. I didn't say goodbye to Snape as I left him there in the alley.

I went back to my flat and sobbed in my room. I wasn't upset about the sex; it was enjoyable in its own way. I was overwhelmed by the idea that Remus would always creep into my head when I was with someone. Snape could be considered the antithesis to Remus in terms of personality and character, but my mind was on Remus the entire time. I knew if I had said anything the whole time, it wouldn't have been Snape's name I yelled out. I stopped sobbing when there was a knock at my door. It was Savage.

I sat up in bed; I was still hugging Elton John. "Everything ok?" He asked with a concerned look on his face. He came in and shut the door behind him. I glanced at my wand. "I could leave it open if you want; I didn't think you wanted to wake the other two up." Savage sat down on the corner of my bed. His chin _did_ look good. This was the first time I had seen his arms higher up than his forearms. He had some interesting tattoos on his upper arms and it looked like they extended to his shoulder and back. He saw me looking and said, "From my younger days. I still love them." He smiled. It was one of the few genuine smiles I had seen since I saw George. He didn't ask me about my sobbing, or why I had been out so late. We just talked. He asked about the picture I had of Remus and I, he thought it was funny that I had been out to catch his best friend. I felt like I could have Savage as a friend while in Hogsmeade.

A few weekends later, Hogwarts had its first visit to the village. We were all assigned to patrol the streets. I had been out walking, thinking of Remus. I found myself comparing him to Savage quite often. Then I'd crinkle my nose. I couldn't see myself with Savage on a long-term basis. It was a miserable day. In my hurry to leave in the morning, I forgot to put on a jacket. My robes did nothing to protect myself from the sleet. 

As I roamed the main street I spotted Harry, Ron and Hermione. I kept a distance until I saw Harry push Mundungous against a wall. I rushed forward. Harry was yelling at him and choking him. The kid was going to kill him. I did the only spell that came to mind. "_Relashio_." Harry let go just enough for Dung to disapparate. Harry turned around and started to yell about him nicking Sirius' stuff. "It won't do you any good to yell now." Harry was still blazing on about it being Sirius' things. "Yeah still you should get out of the cold." I told him. Hermione led him in the bar. I remained outside. I couldn't look like I was friendly with Harry.

I turned around to see Dawlish leering at me. "Quite a nasty temper there." He said jerking his head towards the bar.

"I'm sure that with time and enough help you could learn to control yours half as well." I said coolly. I walked down the street before he could retort. I walked towards the less traveled parts of Hogsmeade. I knew I wouldn't find many students there, but I thought it'd be nice to get away from the swarm of students. Unfortunately, I was in that area when that girl was, well, not attacked, but injured. All four of us got in trouble for it. We weren't held responsible, but it was considered an oversight for four Aurors not to notice something that Dark going on. I leaned over to Savage during that part of our lecture and said that the only thing Dark I had noticed came from Dawlish's room while he was wacking off.

Soon after that, I realized the holidays were soon approaching. It made me feel a great deal sadder to think I wouldn't be able to hold Remus or laugh with Sirius this year. I continued to soldier on with my work, if you could call it that. I hoped Christmas wouldn't be as bleak as I thought it would be.

_A/N: Ok, Thanks to Diandra for her Snape/Tonks idea. And Thanks to Flor for giving me an idea that hasn't hatched in the story yet. I have a question for the crowd. What do you think Savage and Proudfoots first names are? Thanks for reading! _


	19. Full Moon Talking

It turned out that Savage was a good person to keep as a friend. He was good at stepping in when Dawlish got out of hand, which was quite often. Dawlish had told Savage and Proudfoot we dated for sometime. Savage asked me about it one evening while we were playing cards. "Heh, talk about the over exaggeration of the millennium. We went on _one_ date; if it can still be called a date if the woman leaves less than an hour into it." Savage seemed slightly relieved to hear that I hadn't dated Dawlish.

"Well, I can see why he'd say he dated you at least." He said with a shy grin. I ignored that statement and looked at my cards. "Uh oh, looks like you're going to win." He said examining my face.

I raised an eyebrow and laid my hand down. "You're right. Now you owe me five drinks next time we're out." Gambling was frowned upon, but if we kept it to drinks, food, other such things, we could get away with it.

Savage raised his eyebrows, "At least that'll help if you're cooking that night. Your scrambled eggs go down best with a side of firewhiskey." He laughed good-naturedly. We all took turns cooking; I was by far the worst cook among us. I only attempted scrambled eggs. Savage called them egg-pebbles. I over-stirred quite a bit. Savage on the other hand was a remarkable cook. He always made something interesting. I told him several times that my Mom always wanted a daughter like him.

I had an unexpected visit from George mid-November. He was strolling down the street near Honeydukes. I could tell he was trying to look nonchalant. His frequent glances around the street told me he was there with a purpose. I walked by him, keeping a brisk pace. He turned and let out a "Hey, Tonks." I stopped and turned around. "How's it going?" He asked catching up with me.

"Oh, not too bad." I lied. The night before was the full moon. I typically sat up every full moon, worried sick about Remus. I couldn't sleep knowing he went through the entire transformation and lost control of his mental state. "How's business?"

George and I walked on a bit. He was telling me how they were selling out of their defensive items when he stopped me. "You're still upset over Remus." He said. He wasn't asking me. I looked around; I didn't want to meet his eyes. George pulled me into a hug. I was surprised how strong his arms were. His hand rested on my lower back; it was nice to be touched. He nuzzled me slightly catching my lips in a kiss. I let out an involuntary moan of delight. I missed being in the arms of a man but I was missing Remus' arms.

I pulled out of what would have been a magnificent kiss. "George… I can't. We can't." I was breathing a bit heavier than usual.

George was giving me a hard look. "Am I too young? Too innocent? Not enough grey hair?" He smirked; his face had a hint of sadness to it. "Or is it just because I'm not him?" I was trying to think of the best way to answer, but he understood my silence to be an admission that he was right. He hugged me and kissed me on the cheek. "At least I can say I tried." He was smiling at me. He didn't appear to be angry, a bit let down, but otherwise alright.

We walked in for a bit, George stopped outside of Zonko's. "I have to meet with the owners. I'll catch you later, Tonks." He said with a grin. I headed back to my flat, a nap sounded nice. When I got there, Proudfoot was listening to the news on WWN.

He looked around when I opened the door. "Ye've had an owl." He said gesturing towards a folded note on the counter. My heart leapt the same it did every time I saw a letter. I always had a bit of hope that it'd be from Remus saying he wanted to see me. I was disappointed to see my mom's handwriting. She wanted me to come home for Christmas. I didn't want to be home for Christmas. I couldn't bear being around Mom. She asked me questions about Sirius and telling her about him involved talking about Remus. I wrote her back saying I had to work. It was a lie, but it was easier than saying 'Hi Mom, I don't want to be around people for Christmas.' 

I got a letter from Molly a week or so after that. She invited me over saying that Remus would be there. I debated going over to there for Christmas. I desperately wanted to see Remus, but I didn't know if I'd make love to him, slap him, yell, snog or just burst into tears. I declined her invite saying that I'd be alone for Christmas. I wrote that in there hoping she'd say something to Remus about it.

I went shopping in a muggle store when I went Christmas shopping. I wasn't sure how I felt about Remus anymore. Love wasn't suppose to hurt like I was hurting. I still wanted to get him something for Christmas. When I paid, the clerk gave me a puzzled look. "A bit late in the year for camping?" He mused a smile playing on his face. I didn't respond. I disapparted a few blocks away appearing in Hogsmeade. I went straight into my room and started to make a card from Remus. I knew that Christmas was a few weeks away, but I hadn't done anything creative in quite a long time. The picture on the front was of a snowy street with a couple walking down it. They were holding hands and the woman had short, pink hair. I wrote a note inside explaining to him how he should use his present. I sent it to his flat. I figured he'd have to go there if he was going to be in London for some time.

True to my word, I spent Christmas alone—for the most part at least. It was quite late Christmas day when Savage came in the door. He looked surprised to see me there. "Oh, hey Savage." I said looking up from my knitting.

He gave me an exasperated look. "You _can_ use my first name." He said smiling. "I thought you'd be with your boyfriend today." He said looking around as if he expected to see a bloke come out from a corner.

My eyebrows contracted together. "Boyfriend?" I wondered if he meant George. "I don't have a boyfriend Sav—Brad." I corrected myself. Savage sat down next to me on the couch. He looked confused.

"That guy from the picture? He's not your…?" I had the idea that Savage had been operating under the pretense that I was taken.

I let out a cold laugh. "No. He was, but uh things didn't quite work out. It's a bit complicated." I said starting to knit again. "Did you go see your family today?" I asked wondering why he was back so early in the day.

Savage sighed loudly. "Yeah, and I left as soon as we finished eating. They fight all the time." He sounded disdainful but glanced over at me. "Why didn't you go home?"

I sighed. "Parents. They're worrywarts. I preferred to be alone rather than have them hover over me." It was mostly true. My parents, like most people I knew, connected my hair with being unwell. I knew they were right, but I didn't want to think about it.

Savage didn't say anything for a few minutes. He was idly shuffling the well-used deck of cards. "Do you want to go out on New Years Eve?" He wasn't looking at me, he was focused on the deck of cards.

I glanced over at him; he was blushing a bit. "Sure." I said. "Where do you want to go?" Dawlish looked relieved that I agreed. He said the Leaky Cauldron. There'd be music and a party.

We left together around eight on New Years Eve. Savage was dressed along the lines of Bill Weasley. The look suited him well. His arms were bared and I noticed that his muscles gave his tattoos an extra allure. The bar was crowded with people. Tom, the bartender, looked pleased. Savage and I had a few drinks before dancing. Savage was a sensual dancer. I enjoyed the way his body moved against mine, his strong hands roaming around freely. I could feel he was getting aroused from dancing. I didn't mind. I had felt so unattractive the past several months that the idea of arousing a man made me feel less glum. During one particularly energetic song, Savage pulled me into a rib-cracking embrace and kissed me rather roughly. I was quite surprised by his forwardness. 

When he pulled out of our kiss, he said, "I'm going out for some air." I watched him maneuver his way through the crowd. He had a nice butt too. I looked around for a place to be out of the way when a hand closed around my wrist. I stumbled and fell into the body that grabbed me.

"Let me help you up." Said a raspy voice. My heart skipped several beats. It'd be foolish of me to think he was there, but I'm one to act the fool now and then. I scrambled to my feet then turned around to see a thin careworn Remus standing behind me. He pulled me into a hungry, passionate kiss. It wasn't a tender 'I'm so sorry for my behavior' kiss. It wasn't even an 'I love you' kiss. It was an 'you're the first woman I've had contact with in quite a while' kiss.

I pulled out his grip; my first instinct was to slap him. "What do you think I am, Remus? Some school girl willing to jump at you just because I haven't seen you in a while?" Remus had a helplessly needy look in his eyes. I could tell the full moon was approaching by his actions.

Savage came up behind me and cleared his throat. "Everything ok, Tonks?" He was looking from Remus and I. Remus seemed midly surpised to see that I was with someone.

I nodded and said I'd catch up with him in a moment. Remus leaned in close to me and said in a hoarse whisper, "Come back to my flat with me." I could tell this was the full moon talking. He ran his hand down my back. I knew that if he had asked me that in a less lustful way, if he wanted to take me back to his place and make love, not just shag I would have left the bar in a moment.

I gave Remus a harsh look as I went into my admonition. "Look, Remus, I haven't seen you since the summer; not so much as a letter or card. I'm not going to jump into bed with you at a moment's notice." That was not quite true, I was half-ready to tell him that I still loved him and wanted him to love me back, but I didn't. I could feel tears welling up in my eyes. "I should go, I don't want to keep Brad waiting." I left Remus there. He looked a bit like a confused child.

When I got to Savage he was holding a drink, watching me determinedly. "Everything ok?" He asked glancing over at Remus. I kissed him on the cheek and asked if he wanted to head back to Hogsmeade. I glanced back at Remus, he was ordering a drink from Tom looking like a kid who burnt his last bag of popcorn on movie night.

Savage and I got a bit hot and heavy when we were back in Hogsmeade. We took advantage of an otherwise empty flat by not bothering to keep our voices down. It was going perfectly until I said the wrong name. I couldn't get Remus out of my mind. My eyes had been closed, enjoying the friction between Savage's body and mine when I let out a low, sultry "oh Remus." It took Savage a few moments to process what I said; he was a bit preoccupied.

He stopped mid-thrust and brushed some stray hair out of his eyes. "What was that?" He was breathing heavily. I was trying to think of the best way to say 'I called you by the wrong name' when he said, "You're still in love with him. I can see why you said it's complicated." His voice sounded hurt. I felt horrible. Savage got up and looked around awkwardly.

I sat up on the bed with my knee up to my chest. "I'm sorry, Brad." I said softly. I really was sorry. I liked Savage; he was extremely good looking and he wasn't a prat. But he wasn't Remus. My heart and apparently my mind wouldn't let me settle for anything but Remus.

Savage was putting his boxers back on. "It's…it's ok. I mean it could happen to anyone; especially after seeing him tonight." He gave me one more look of longing before saying "I should get to bed. I'll see you in the morning." I stayed awake a lot of the night feeling rather angry with myself. I cuddled with Freckles; he still smelled of Remus.

I spent the next few weeks worrying about Savage and if he was a tell-all. From what I could gather, he didn't mention our night to anyone. I didn't really care, I just didn't want Dawlish to drag us in for a disciplinary hearing. I was thinking over Remus' actions at the bar in the shower one day when I heard the bathroom door open. I had been alone in the flat before my shower.

"Bugger off, I'm showering." I said to the unknown person. There wasn't a response. I thought that I had imagined the door opening and closing except for the knot forming in my stomach. "Come on," I said tersely. "Go use your own bathroom."

"The view in there isn't nearly as nice." Came Dawlish's voice. I poked my head out from the shower curtain to make sure I heard the right person. He had my wand in his back pocket and his wand in his hand. If the situation had been slightly different, I would have mentioned something about Elementary Wand Safety. I didn't think Mad-Eye Moody references would help the situation. "No one else is here, no one else will no…" It sounded like Dawish was undressing.

I stood in the shower for a moment, thinking of what to do. If I left the bathroom, I'd have more room to run away. I grabbed a towel and made to step out of the shower. I slipped and screamed. Dawlish looked pleased. Then the door opened. It was Savage. "What in the name of Merlin are you doing, Dawlish?" He asked catching sight of me sprawled on the floor with a towel half covering me. Dawlish swore and left. "Do you need help?" Savage asked quietly.

I sat up feeling rather embarrassed. "It's not how it looked." I said blushing. I was still feeling horrible about saying the wrong name in bed.

Savage gave me a puzzled look. "So Dawlish wasn't attacking you in the shower?" He was blushing too.

"Oh, never mind it was exactly how it looked." I got to my feet and adjusted the towel so it covered me properly. "Thanks Brad." I said walking out of the bathroom. I wanted to go cry in my room. He said "anytime" as I shut the door to my room. I decided to go out to the Hogshead that night.

It was rather busy for a Thursday night. I was glad to step inside the bar. The whole way there I had a feeling that I was being followed. I had a few drinks and chatted with Aberforth. The door opened and closed about twenty minutes after I got there. I didn't recognize the scruffy-looking man as someone from the village. I had a feeling it was the person who had been following me. I leaned close to Aberforth and said, "After I leave, if that bloke asks about me, tell him I live down Dead Elf Lane." I said in a low voice. Aberforth nodded. I had a few more drinks and left. I crossed the street and stood in shadow watching what I could make through the grimy windows.

The mystery man did go up to Aberforth a few minutes after I left. I hurried to a dark spot in Dead Elf Lane. I waited for five minutes when I heard someone's muffled footsteps approaching. Then I saw the scruffy man. I had my wand out and kept it on him. He passed me without seeing me; he looked like a cat that lost its prey. I grabbed him by the scruff of his shirt and slammed him into the wall. "Who are you and why were you following me?" I asked in a deadly voice.

"I'm a friend of Lupin's." The man said in a weak voice. "He's been worried sick about you."

_A/N: Ok, no one said anything about what their names should be, so I made them up . Let me know what you think. I'm pretty sure I'll be done w/ the story in 3-5 more chapters. _


	20. I tried

_A/N: Ok, running gag in this chapter depends on you getting one thing about British slang. Google "John Thomas" Read the wikipedia article then come back and read this chapter. Don't worry, it'll be here when you're done. Oooh and the poem I quote later on is called "_Tonight I can write the saddest lines_" by Pablo Neruda. __**Read it**__  
_

"I don't believe you." I said with my wand pressed to the man's neck. For all I knew this bloke was a Death Eater looking for information on Remus. "What's your name?" I asked keeping my voice at a growl. 

"My name is John Thomas." I held back a snigger. What kind of idiot would name their son John Thomas? He let out a sigh. "My parents were American." He said in a disgruntled voice. "John Thomas Whitmore, at your service." He said throwing a glance at me from over his shoulder. I wasn't amused. It must have shown because he continued talking. "Lupin said he liked the S'mores you sent him for Christmas. 'It was an awfully Muggle thing to do.' Is what he said."

I scoffed loudly. He could have been spying on Remus or come across that information from another source. "He said he misses Freckles!" the bloke said feeling my wand push deeper into his neck. That was something that caught my attention. I was glad Whitmore couldn't see my face; it made it easier to feign disbelief.

"What the bloody hell are you on about?" I spat. I knew exactly what he meant and I yearned to believe that he knew Remus, but I couldn't risk it. "And why would Lupin send you to me?" I kept a firm grip on the man's shirt; I hoped that he wouldn't work out I was a good five inches shorter than him.

"He didn't send me. He's been a bit more heartbroken than usually since Christmas. He told me the other night that you were seeing someone else." I laughed coldly; he had been with someone else right after we split. "I thought I could come and see if it was true."

"Why would you bother? There's nothing in it for you." I said coldly. I was sure that I'd get him with that one.

"Be…because Lupin has been my friend for over a year. I met him at St. Mungo's after I was bitten. He was visiting a redheaded bloke. You visited him too. On Christmas Remus came by my bed; he was encouraging, but we lost touch after that. I lost my job, lost my family, all gone. So, I went to live in a werewolf community in Leeds. I was surprised to see Lupin there. He seemed so together last Christmas." My mind was racing. Remus had mentioned meeting a newly bitten werewolf at St. Mungo's… but he never said his name.

"How would coming here help Remus?" I asked with a sharp voice. I was starting to believe the man, even if it was against my better judgment.

"I came here for you. I had to tell you that he loves you; he lives for you. He goes from day to day, night to night thinking of your love. After he saw you with that man, he lost some of his hope." It took me a few moments to notice, but I had tears streaming down my face. 

"When you see him again, tell him he has no reason to loose hope." I said hoping that my message was enigmatic enough. Without waiting for a response, I backed away and disapparted.

Once safe in my bedroom, I changed into my pajamas and cried softly into my pillow. I couldn't believe he was still torn up like that. I had been so mean to him when I saw him over the holidays… then again, he had been cruel to me in his own way. My door opened quietly. I grabbed my wand, ready to attack. I lowered it when I saw who it was. Savage was poking his head in. 

He came in and sat on the edge of my bed. "Another hard night?" He asked in a low voice. I nodded stupidly. "Do you want me to go away?" He asked tentatively. I shook my head. I scooted over. Looking slightly apprehensive, Savage crawled into bed with me. "Do you want to talk about it?" He asked quietly. I shook my head again. He was stroking my head in an attempt to sooth me. Savage started to talk about Quidditch; he was good at starting idle conversations.

My tears stopped a bit after Savage started on the Tornados. Having someone there to talk to helped, even if we talked about Quidditch teams. Sure, I wasn't able to process my feelings about the new information, but I didn't have to face the night alone. Before falling asleep I whispered, "Thank you, Brad."

I had to fight the urge to run off to Leeds to find Remus. I knew it'd get him in trouble and possibly get him hurt. I wanted to see him more than ever. Savage stepped up as a really good friend after that night. We spent quite a bit of time together. We didn't do anything sexual; I had a feeling he didn't want to go down that road twice. He would come into my room when I cried myself to sleep and stay the night with me. He accepted that I was going through a bit of heartbreak and needed the comfort.

Another form of comfort came in the first part of March. I was in Honeydukes buying myself a bar of chocolate. I needed _something_ to lift my spirits, when a familiar voice said, "You'll get love-handles if you eat too much of that." I put my hands on my hips and turned to see Charlie Weasley grinning at me.

I smacked his arm; it was nice and muscular. "Well it'll give you something to hold grab a hold of." I said jokingly. Charlie kissed the top of my head in a very chaste manner. He and I hadn't been together in over six years. We were, if anything, friends, who happened to have been sex-buddies at one point. "What brings you up this way?" I asked. "Not going to try your luck with Rosmerta again, are you?" Charlie rolled his eyes. I hadn't stopped teasing him about his Rosmerta fixation since our 5th year. I caught him wacking off to a Three Broomsticks poster. "She's loosing her touch, actually." I mused. She had been a bit off lately.

Charlie was grinning at me until a serious expression stole over his face. "Actually, I'm here to see Ron; he was poisoned at school... they said he could have died" Charlie looked grim. I heard that Ron had been taken ill from of Slugghorn's Mulled Mead. "He's on the mend, but I thought a visit would be nice." Charlie was still grinning; he looked quite dopy.

I raised an eyebrow. "You know he's not being held in the cellar; I don't think they permit that here anymore." I smirked. Charlie and I had once found our way to the downstairs section of the store and fandoogled for a while.

"Perhaps I also wanted to see a dear old friend of mine whilst in town." He said looking around. "It seems she's not here though." I stomped my foot impatiently. He was quite insufferable at times. "I guess I could settle for you."

We left Honeydukes and went to the Three Broomsticks. Charlie raised my spirits a lot more than a bar of chocolate could have. He and I reminisced about our school days together. We had been in separate houses, but we managed to see a lot of one another through Quidditch and shared classes. We had been there for quite some time when he finally said, "I've heard you're smitten by one Remus J. Lupin." His voice was conversational, but I had a feeling he had really come to see me about this.

I took a sip of my drink. "So what if I am?" I asked. I wondered which of his family members told him about it. The only ones who didn't know, well, as far as I knew, were Ron and Ginny. But I wouldn't be surprised if they had family meetings to share gossip; the family held little to no secrets.

Charlie shrugged. "It doesn't seem like you to get so bent out of shape over a man. Even one as sexy as Lupin." Charlie was smirking again. "I'd expect you to follow a guy you wanted till he gave in or you gave up."

I was looking at my glass critically. "Well, I've considered the Imperius Curse." Charlie laughed. "I'm sure he still loves me, if I can trust John Thomas."

Charlie gagged on his drink laughing. "You're going to use his wank to determine if he loves you?" His was shaking slightly from laughing. "I know you did a blonde phase, Tonks, I didn't think it stuck that bad."

I gave him a sharp look. "I'm not measuring his love by his wank, you dolt." I smirked; it was quite funny. "This bloke named John Thomas Whitmore claimed to be his friend and said that he still loved me, deeply." Charlie's face hardened as he listened intently to my retelling of that odd night from the previous month. "I know it seems foolish, but I believe the bloke. I didn't see anything he could have gained from doing what he did."

Charlie was chewing the inside of his lip; a clear sign that he was thinking. "I'll have to ask Dad if he remembers that guy's name." Was the first thing Charlie out of his mouth when he spoke again. He thought for a few more moments then suggested I go see him.

"Are you nuts? I can't run off to Leeds. What if someone recognizes me as an Auror? I could get him killed." That's what I had been telling myself since I learned his location. I couldn't confront my lover for fear of his safety. Telling myself that made me not have to examine the fear and trepidation I felt about talking to him.

Charlie coughed loudly, as if drawing attention to an obvious point. "One of us happens to be a skilled Auror and quite capable of using the art of disguise." Charlie knew about that all too well. I only did it a few times, but it sent me into peals of laughter when I changed my face into people like McGonagall when we snogged. It seriously freaked him out. "Even if you're not up to par with your metamorphagus skills, you're wonderful with Transfiguration, Charms and Potions. I'm sure you could think of _something_." I thought about Charlie's advice while idly picking at the cuff of my robes. "I hear that there's a lot of prostitution in Leeds." I raised my eyebrows. I didn't think of Charlie as the type of man who would have to pay for sex. "It's not uncommon for werewolves to hand out in prostitute areas…and, if you needed help choosing your clothes..."

He looked smug. He knew I was horrible at dressing provocatively. I like long sleeved shirts and leggings. I bought twenty shirts with thumbholes when they were popular. "I think I can work that part out myself, thanks." I said with a bite to my voice. I had a vague idea. It almost seemed like I could pull off a visit to Remus. His birthday was approaching too. "Weren't you going to visit Ron today?" I asked raising an eyebrow. 

Charlie looked at his watch. "Oh yeah I should go then." We both got up and I walked out of the bar with him. I gave him a hug and a kiss on the cheek. Charlie walked past Savage as he was walking away. They had a brief exchange before Savage headed towards me. 

"Another ex of yours?" He asked raising an eyebrow. "At least all the men you chase aren't graying." If I wasn't quite mistaken, Savage was checking out Charlie's bum. I didn't say anything but headed back to the flat.

I went to Leeds the day before Remus' birthday. I doubled checked a Lunar Calendar to make sure it wasn't right after a full moon. I was in luck; it was a week and a half before his time of the month. I heeded Charlie's advice and wore something sexy. I had a little red dress that I didn't really wear that often, a black pair of tights, a leather jacket that had been Sirius' and a pair of leather high heeled boots. I was apprehensive about going until I got a note from Charlie saying he confirmed the bloke's name with Author.

I had a story cooked up. I knew I'd have to ask around for Remus. I was going to say he owed me money- a lot of money. I figured that a couple hundred galleons was enough to get someone followed to Leeds. I walked around the poor neighborhoods in Leeds. I didn't realize how large 'the outskirts' of the city were. I ran into one bloke who said he knew a Lupin, but didn't know if it was the same Lupin I was looking for.He only agreed to help after I said I'd pay him five galleons if Lupin paid me.

I gave him a mean look and said, "He talks about everything, a damn emotional man. Tries to be yer friend but won't let ya get close to him." I sneered as if such gestures were lost to me. The guy shrugged and said it sounded like the Lupin he knew. He pointed me in the right direction. I walked in that direction, eyeing people with a nasty gaze. When I found Remus he was seated on a knee-height brick wall leaning against a building. He was looking in another direction. I walked up to him with more stealth than I normally pulled off.

"Wotcher, stranger." I said in a low purr. I was swaying my hips as I walked towards him. He turned his head slowly towards me.

Remus' face remained passive as he looked at me, but his eyes lit up dangerously. His gaze started at my boots and worked their way slowly up my outfit. "Did you forget to put your clothes on this morning?" He asked mildly. "Or should I expect to always see you like this?" He had a twisted smile on his face. Remus dropped his voice, "What are you doing here?" "I came to settle our debt." I said in a loud voice. I sat down next to him and said in a lower voice. "I had to se you. I had to explain—"

Remus shook his head. "You don't have to explain yourself to me. I understand; you were able to move on. I'm," He took a deep breath. "I'm happy for you." My eyes filled with tears. Remus glanced around and said in a louder voice. "Maybe you'd like it if we settled this elsewhere?" He got up and led me down a deserted alley and into a utility room for a building.

I cast a silencing charm on the room just to be safe. "I'm _not_ over you, Remus. I'm _not_ dating anyone else. I was a prat on New Years. I was out with a friend and… and when I saw you I thought you only wanted me because you were a horny bugger."

Remus raised his eyebrows. "What made you think otherwise?" His tone of voice made me think that maybe that was the only reason he wanted me. 

"I… I ran into an unfortunate friend of yours. The idiot tried to follow me and I forced some information out of him." I said feeling Remus give me an exasperated look.

"You shouldn't have listened to John Thomas." He said flatly. "I found this poem the other day." I furrowed my brow; that seemed like an odd subject change. He pulled out a crumpled piece of paper and read, "_Tonight I can write the saddest lines, Write for example, 'the night is shattered and the blue stars shiver in the distance.' The night wind revolves in the sky and sings. Tonight I can write the saddest lines. I loved her and sometimes she loved me too._" I made to stop him, I didn't see where this was going, but he went on.

"_Through nights like this one I held her in my arms. I kissed her again and again under the endless sky. She loved me, sometimes I loved her too. How could one not have loved her great still eyes._" Remus paused a moment, sighing. It took him a moment to continue. "_To think that I do not have her. To feel that I have lost her. To hear the immense night, still more immense without her._" His voice started to quaver when he got to, "_What does it matter that my love could not keep her. The night is shattered and she is not with me"  
_  
There were tears streaming down his cheeks as he read, "_Another's. She will be another's. Like my kisses were before. Her voice, her bright body, her infinite eyes. I no longer love her, that's certain, but maybe I love her. Love is short._" Remus' voice cracked again. "_Forgetting is so long. Because through nights like this one I held her in my arms my soul is not satisfied it has lost her._"

I stood there in a few moments stunned silence, taking in the meaning of the poem. Did he not love me anymore? Was he convinced that I was another's? I thought the poem had some hope in it; did he also have some hope for us? I started to cry. "What are you saying? That I should move on? I've tried, Remus. I have. I tried to be with other men, it doesn't work. I keep thinking of you. I tried hating you for being with Farah, but filling myself with hate only made me realize there was no void your love could not fill. I tried forcing myself to be with others, but I still cry out your name in the moment of passion!" My voice was raised and my eyes were bulging.

I stopped a moment to breath. "I _can't_ move on. Reading me a poem about another man who was able to move on from his love won't make me stop loving you. I've tried." I broke into sobs repeating that I tried. Remus pulled me into a hug. His hand found its way to the back of my head, where it stroked my hair. I sobbed into his shoulder for a few minutes, then I said, "My soul isn't convinced that it's lost you… I can't loose you."

I looked up into his sad eyes and nuzzled him gently. "Shh, it's ok." He said in a low voice. I stifled a sob. It was odd how the world made sense to me while I was in his arms. The momentary burst of comfort and happiness in my otherwise dreary life made me feel at peace for the first time in a long while. I closed my eyes as if willing the moment to burn itself into eternity. Remus was speaking gently to me, his voice barely above a whisper. In his stream of consoling words I thought I heard "I love you, Tonks." I felt complete for the first and last time in months.


	21. Batting for the Other Team

My bliss with Remus was indeed short-lived. The people with whom he associated himself were looking for him. I could hear their voices calling out for him. In a moment of panic he said, "Pull down your knickers and get against the wall." I obeyed feeling slightly perplexed. A few moments later, I felt his warm skin against mine. "Moan." He said in my ear. I complied, feeling rather out of sorts. Remus grabbed my wand and disabled the silencing charm I had on the door. He started to thrash against me, my skirt was hiked up showing my bare skin. It was a bit awkward to keep moaning while not having sex.

The voices from outside got closer to the door. "It sounds like he's in there." One of them said jiggling the handle. "Lupin, you in there?" Came the man's voice. Remus left his false attempt at shagging me an opened the door a crack. The men could see me against the wall, panting slightly.

"Can't you tell I'm busy?" He said in an angry voice. I glanced over to them, trying not to look as terrified as I felt. The two of them were gawking at me; they had lust written across their faces. "Is there anything you needed?" Remus asked again, his voice sounding quite impatient. 

"Yeah, Fenrir's having a get together tomorra night." One of them said licking his lips. "Say, Lupin… could we just—"

"No." He said sharply. "She's mine. She came here to settle a score with _me_." Lupin made to shut the door but the other man stuck his foot in the way. 

"Fenrir suspects there's a traitor among us." He said with a leer. "Wouldn't some sharing help to convince…"

Remus' voice was brimming with genuine anger. "Fenrir knows my loyalties. He might question those of two scavengers who don't know how to respect another person's winnings." Remus made it sound like he won me in a bet. The other two backed off and allowed Remus to shut and lock the door. I was trembling from head to foot; I felt unnerved and scared.

Remus put another Silencing Charm on the door sighing heavily. He came up to me and held me once more. "I'm sorry you had to—"He couldn't finish the sentence. "It wasn't a good idea for you to come." He said quietly. "I couldn't bear it if something happened to you."

I knelt down to pull up my knickers. I paused at his words. "Things happen to me everyday, Remus. The only difference is now you're not around to help me through them." I stood up and tripped. "Sorry." I said in a frustrated voice. "You know, we could spend the night here." I said looking around. "It'll be your birthday in a few hours." I managed a wicked smile.

Remus ran his fingers through my brown hair as he thought about it. "Sure, but on one condition." I raised an eyebrow in anticipation. "You have to tell me how your life has been since last June. I miss hearing your voice." I smiled at him. He did have a lot to catch up on. I did some nifty wand work and managed to make the small utility room into a moderately comfortable bedroom.

I cuddle into bed next to him and handed him a bar of chocolate. "Happy Birthday, Remus." He smiled as I started recounting my summer, fall, and winter. Granted, I left out some of the finer points, such as shagging Snape in Hogsmeade, but I left about 98 percent of my life in there. Talking to him was just as easy as it had been the previous year. I enjoyed telling him some of the more amusing stories, my heart skipped a beat every time he got angry about Dawlish, and I monitored his reaction my New Years Eve sex with Savage. He didn't seem quite as jealous as I though (and hoped) he would be, but it did make him smile. We tried our best to stay up the entire night. I didn't want to sleep through this rare treat. Sleep won over just before dawn.

It was hard to leave when we woke up a mere three hours later. Remus was absolutely firm with me. "You can't stay here... if Fenrir finds you…" He sounded nervous. I stood up and so did Remus. I hugged him tightly one more time kissing him gently on the lips.

"I love you, Remus." I said into his ear. He had a sorrowful look in his eyes; I wondered if he was thinking his usual mantra of 'too old, too dangerous, too poor.' I smiled weakly, feeling forlorn grip me.

I turned too go but Remus pulled me back into his arms and whispered, "I love you too, but I am too old, too dangerous and too poor for you." I kissed him fiercely. When our lips broke apart, I whispered back, "no, you're not." I left before he could argue with me. I walked a short way and ran into the bloke I promised the pay the day before. I slipped him the money grinning. I disapparated a few blocks away.

When I got back to the flat in Hogsmeade I was trying to sneak into my room. Dawlish and Proudfoot were up eating breakfast. All thoughts of sneaking in were abandoned. I felt quite underdressed in my slinky red dress. I should have had the foresight to bring a change of clothes.

"G'morning, Tonks." Proudfoot said. He didn't seem bothered about my attire or the hour of my return. I said hello hoping that I could go straight into my room. Dawlish was leering at me in a way that reminded me of the werewolves from the night before. I went into my room and was sure to lock the door.

I had a new sense of hope after that. I knew that Remus didn't want a relationship, but knowing that he loved me was enough to allow an occasional smile to flutter across my face. I still couldn't get my hair to the right color; that bothered me to no end. Dawlish pestered me about my trip; he knew I went somewhere, but I was tight-lipped about where. I confided in Savage about meeting with Remus. I didn't say where he was, or that he was living in a werewolf enclave, but I liked confiding in someone.

"Are you guys back together then?" He asked looking down at me. We were cuddling in my bed. He was my cuddle-buddy, more like a giant, tattooed teddy bear.

I let out a mournful sigh. "No, we're not. He keeps insisting he's…" I was going to say his speech, but the too dangerous bit would lead to some awkward questions. "that he's inadequate."

Savage let out a disapproving tut, but didn't verbalize his disappointment. "I have to ask you something…" Savage said suddenly. "Is your friend, the red-headed bloke who was here a few weeks ago… is he seeing anyone?" It took me a minute to process exactly what he was asking.

"You mean Charlie?" I clarified. Savage nodded; his ears were turning pink. I had to think about it for a few moments. I didn't know if Charlie liked guys, but that wasn't the question. "I don't think he's dating anyone." Now that I thought of it, he hadn't dated anyone since we stopped seeing one another.

"Do you think he… likes guys?" I didn't know Savage liked guys, well, I hadn't until that conversation. I knew Charlie had snogged a few guys in his day, but I didn't know if it was a passing fancy or something he was really into. Then again, I didn't know Savage liked blokes until just then. The thought crossed my mind that maybe the men I slept with were destined to start batting for the other team, so to speak. I promised to look into the matter for Savage.

The events of those few days gave me quite a lot of obsess over during the week. I analyzed every moment of my evening with Remus. I wondered how much of what he said in front of the other men was him and how much of it was the wolf. I couldn't shake the aroused feeling I got when I thought of his unusually rough behavior with me then. He was a gentle man after all. I wondered if Charlie like guys and I wrestled with how to best ask him. Somehow a letter saying "Dear Charlie, Would you shag me if I had a wank? Love, Tonks" didn't seem appropriate. I was still quite surprised that Savage had a soft spot for guys. I was hoping that Savage and Charlie got together; they were great friends of mine.

My musings turned towards more serious issues as the weekend approached. I remembered the meeting the two men had mentioned to Remus. They seemed to think that Remus was a threat or a traitor. I worried that my presence there had put him in even more danger than he was in. Then, as if he could read my worries on my face, Dawlish made a remark about Fenrir that made my skin crawl.

" 'ello Tonksy." He said as I was getting myself some water. I half smiled in acknowledgment. "Hear the news today? Fenrir Greyback was reported to have killed some of his followers. Attacked them earlier in the week." I closed my eyes and held my breath for a few moments. Dawlish was watching my face intently. I tried my best to look indifferent to the news. 

"Hmm, that's interesting." I said taking refuge in my room. I closed the door behind me and crumpled to the floor. I held in my tears, the sobs, my desire to scream at the top of my lungs. I didn't want to tell Dawish, who I expected was listening eagerly outside my door, a chance to eavesdrop. My mind was racing; I was trying to think of a way to get another opinion. There had to be _someone_ who would be more informed than Dawlish. I paused only a moment to wonder how in the blazes he knew about werewolf communities.

Standing up and regaining some composure, I left the flat to get some fresh air. It was a Monday morning, so I didn't expect to see people out and about. Then I saw them, a gaggle of students. I had an idea, Dumbledore would know; he always knew. I apparated to the Hogwarts gates. Hagrid was within yelling distance. I was glad; I didn't think I had enough happy energy to muster a patronus. He let me in with a good-natured smile on his face. He started to say hello but I cut him off with a quick, "Thanks for letting me in, Hagrid, but I've got to see Dumbledore."

My heart fell to somewhere below my knees when I saw a note pinned to Dumbledore's door that read: _For assistance, please see Deputy Headmistress Minerva McGonagall._ I let out a heavy sign and turned around to trudge out of the Castle, my eyes downcast.

My feet led me to a corridor I remembered finding a closet to hide in with Charlie in our fifth year. I paused as I entered the corridor, I could hear footsteps that were not mine. I started walking again, I wanted to find the source of the phantom footsteps. Before I reached the source of the noise, I heard a loud thud against a vase that was near a painting there. Then I hear a voice, Harry's voice. Parts of his body reveled themselves as I hopped around on one foot apparently nursing a sore toe.

"Harry?" I said to the odd assortment of body parts. He spun around hastily falling over in a heap. I wondered if he wandered around the castle in his invisibility cloak all the time. It seemed like a strange thing to do a bit voyeuristic. 

. "What are you doing here?" Harry asked as he got up his feet with an embarrassed look on his face. He took in my appearance; he seemed a bit taken aback. I knew I looked ill. Dawlish made a point of saying that I looked like a widow every chance he got. I told Harry that I was there to see Dumbledore. He must have thought I was lost because he started telling me how to get to the Head's office.

I cut him off. "I know. He's not there. Apparently he's gone away again." Harry was testing his foot out on the floor.

"…you don't know where he goes, I suppose?" I had an idea; Dumbledore hinted about going on fact-finding trips. I had no idea, _where_ he went though. I said that I didn't know. I didn't think it was prudent to tell him my suspicions. "What did you want to see him about?" Harry asked pleasantly. I could tell he was trying to be overly cheerful. 

"Nothing in particular." I said not meeting his eyes. "I just thought he might know what's going on…I've heard rumors…people getting hurt…" I was going to say something about Fenrir, but I didn't know if Harry knew about him.

Harry started to ramble about reading all about it in _The Prophet_. I thought it was at best behind the times and inaccurate. "_The Prophet_'s often behind times." I said cutting him off again. Then I had an idea. Remus always seemed to put himself at risk for Harry… "You haven't had any letters from anyone in the Order recently?"

I knew it had been a long shot, but my heart sank even lower when Harry said he hadn't heard from anyone since Sirius died. My eyes welled with tears. It had been a fool's hope. Harry's voice brought me to my senses. "I miss him as well…" 

My only response was an awkward "what?" I probably seemed crazed. I decided to go. I said my goodbye and headed down a staircase.

I was a statue of a humpbacked witch when I was caught unawares by Snape. His hand seemed to come out of nowhere. He had me by my wrist and pulled me close. "Why, Nymphadora, I was _thinking_ of you the other night." Snape said in a low hiss. "I haven't seen you in months."

I tore out of Snape's grip. "Surely you weren't expecting a second go after such an abysmal performance?" I said cruelly. I knew it was twisted of me, but I enjoyed taunting Snape. It made me feel a shade better. 

His eyes glinted with anger and perhaps passion; the two were usually intertwined for that man. "You're nothing more than a neighborhood broomstick. Everyone's had a ride but no one will keep you in their shed; not even your Lupin." I could have punched him. I stalked away wishing I could legally Crucio him for hours.

I spent a lot of time alone over the next few days. Savage spent quite a lot of time trying to coax me into a better mood. Some days I felt so overwhelmed with uncertainty that I had trouble willing myself out of bed. The only shred of hope I had was that the day might bring me good news. Even that small shred of hope was tainted with the thought of 'What if it's bad news…'

Charlie showed up in Hogsmeade late April. I wasn't expecting a visit from him, so I was tickled when I saw him roaming down the street. It looked like he had hurt his wrist; it was bandaged rather poorly. Charlie called out to me and caught up to me by jogging the distance between us. He was grinning while he came closer. His smile faded into a slight scowl as he got closer. "Merlin, you look a shade paler than a corpse." He said bluntly. Tact was not strong among the Weasley men. "How did things go with Remus?" He asked without giving me a chance to chide him for his candidness.

"Let's go somewhere we can talk in private." I said glancing around. I led him to the flat I shared with the other Aurors. They were all out. I led him by the hand into my bedroom. I locked the door and put a silencing charm on the room.

Charlie raised an eyebrow and said suggestively, "oooh, I haven't seen you do that in quite a while." He was smiling lazily in an attempt to lighten my mood. I told him to get over himself and get into bed. What can I say? I had a soft spot for spilling my guts in bed. Charlie knew that and got into bed with me sparing me another lewd remark.

I was able to tell Charlie everything about my visit with Remus. He was intrigued by the poem and agreed that the ending was quite ambiguous. Instead of finding our run in with the other two werewolves terrifying, he found it quite amusing. Though, he did add it would have been more convincing if he had actually been shagging me. "I'm sure John Thomas came in handy then." He joked. I smiled wryly and said that I didn't think John Thomas liked me anymore.

Charlie was worried by Dawlish's remarks about Fenrir. Nothing had been in the papers, but that wasn't a reliable source for information. No one in the Order seemed to know anything about Remus being hurt… but no one was in contact with him either. I was in tears before I finished expressing my worry for Remus.

Always the gentleman, Charlie held me in his arms and casually cupped my breast. I moved his hand to a different spot. Then I remembered something. "Hey Charlie?" I lifted my head from his chest. "Do you…" I paused, I couldn't think of a tactful way to ask so I just went on with it. "Do you like guys? I mean, are you… gay?"

I felt my face grow warm. I wished I was more elegant at times like that. I reminded myself of Sirius when I was so clumsy with another person's feelings. Charlie raised an eyebrow. He didn't look upset or offended; I didn't think he would be. He was eyeing me as if trying to determine if my question was going to lead anywhere. He wasn't looking at me when he answered. "I guess you could say that I've fancied more than one bloke…" He wasn't blushing, but he did seem agitated. "I've dated a few actually." He said quietly. "How did you know?"

I wanted to say that I was a brilliant judge of character and had known from day one with him, but that would be a lie ill suited for the situation. "I have a friend that wanted me to ask. I think he fancies you." I said truthfully. After saying that I felt a slight sting that he hadn't confided in me before then. We were friends after all. "How long have you known?" I asked giving him what I hoped was an understanding and caring look.

Charlie laughed uncertainly. "I guess you're the one that made it obvious." He said catching my eye for a moment. My ego deflated a great deal. I _did_ make straight men gay. Charlie smiled with a bit more confidence. "I'm not saying you're bad in bed or anything. It's just the opposite. You were amazing in bed and as a friend but I kept picturing myself with thatSlytherinchaser. And I knew—"

I held my hand up, "That black haired bloke?" I searched my memory for his name. "Andrés Zloothburg?" I suddenly understood why Charlie liked it when I made my hair black and coarse.

Charlie gave me a look that told me to shut it. "As I was saying, I knew that I should be quite satisfied with a woman like you and I started questioning things after that." His hand found mine. "That's why I broke things off with you." He said meeting my eyes again. "I knew we weren't headed down a long-term path… well, at least you weren't, but I didn't want to go on with something I thought could end with me running off with some bloke." Charlie smiled insecurely.

I felt a bit surprised by his explanation. When he broke things off, his explanation of wanting more time with Quidditch and Care of Magical Creatures made sense. The fact that he and I stopped shagging didn't stop us being friends. "In that case," I said smiling in a reassuring way, "Do you want to meet up with my friend and I for drinks tonight?"

Charlie agreed with a grin. Charlie and I were playing cards when Savage got in from his duty shift. I invited him to go out with us making it seem like a nice three person outing. I didn't want to be a complete idiot and tell Savage he had the green light in front of Charlie. I waited till we were in the bar drinking it up before leaning over to Savage saying, "I think you should try your luck with Charlie." Savage grinned at me and said a quick thanks. From what I could tell, they hit things off rather well. I noticed that Charlie was awfully touchy-feely towards Savage near the end of the night. I felt like quite the matchmaker after that. I just wished I had news of Remus. I was dying to hear something…and I was almost desperate enough to want any information. I hugged Freckles tightly every night noticing that Remus' scent was slowly being replaced by my own.

_A/N: I hope you enjoyed! Sorry it's quite long, I didn't want to split it up into two shorter chapters. I'm lazy like that. :/ If you have the time, please review. I love reviews._


	22. Lost Hope

My preoccupation with Remus' safety settled into my stomach in the form of a dull ache. I was grateful that I had enough work to keep myself busy. Dawlish doubled our duty shifts. He attempted to follow Dumbledore on one of his outings and, much to my delight, got hexed. Unfortunately, Dumbledore was always gracious and didn't do any lasting damage. I had to work hard to hide my disappointment.

Savage confided in me that he really liked Charlie. He wanted to see him again sometime. I didn't think they'd get too much of a chance; I suggested they write to one another. They corresponded on a weekly basis. Dumbledore summoned me to his office one evening mid-May. I wasn't sure what it was about, but I hoped he had news of Remus. He cleverly sent me a note that was disguised as a knitting book I ordered. I hadn't ordered a book of any sort, but I kept an even face when Dawlish said I had an order arrive. I took it in my room and opened it.

The book appeared normal but for the copyright. It was copywrited by Phoenix-Feather Inc. That seemed like an odd name for a publishing company. I tapped it with my wand muttering "_Specialus Revelio_" and saw a note from Dumbledore requesting my presence that evening in his office. He said to use Floo to get to his office. I wondered if I'd be the only one meeting with him.

I told the others that I had a headache and needed to go to bed early that night. I locked the door and put Elton John in my place in the bed. He was a body pillow and came in hand for sneaking out… though I hadn't used it like that in a great while.

When I stumbled out of Dumbledore's fire, I saw that we were alone in his office. He looked up from the parchment he was reading with a pleasant expression. "So good to see you, Nymphadora." He said smiling. "I'm pleased that you worked out my message. Please, have a seat." I caught a glimpse of Dumbledore's hand. It was as charred as it had been the previous fall. Sitting down in front of Dumbledore in his office brought back memories of my school days. I ended up in his office more than once. I was one that snuck out only too often and got caught in compromising situations more than once. This time, however, I didn't have to worry about expulsion. I was worried about his sudden desire to see me; I feared there was more bad news.

"I was informed that you visited the Castle a while back. I surmised that it had to do with Remus, as you had just visited him." I wondered how he knew that. I hadn't exactly advertised that I went anywhere. I gave Dawlish and Proudfoot the impression that I was going out for a night of drinking in London. Then again, Dumbledore had a knack for knowing things that most people wouldn't know. "You needn't worry about Remus. I received information from him and he's quite alright. He was worried about your safety and wellbeing."

I frowned at the thought. Remus was the one living in a dangerous situation. My only danger was if I dropped the soap. "He's been worried about me? I just live with a couple Aurors. He's living in a group that would kill him in a heartbeat! He can't even use his wand to protect himself!" My eyes were brimming with tears. I was relieved that he was safe for the time being, but I felt a stab of indignation that he would run to Dumbledore with his worries about me.

Dumbledore was smiling a bit more broadly. "Caring _is_ a two-way street, Nymphadora." I didn't respond. I was curious if Dumbledore knew I had said that to Sirius the previous year or if I had finally reached a level of wisdom close to Dumbledore's. I went with my first idea, as it was more probable. "I will require your assistance in a few weeks. I will have to leave the school and I will need you to keep watch from within the school walls. There will be other people keeping guard that night. During my previous outings I have relied on the Professors to keep watch, but I am asking a few extra Order members to be on watch when I leave this time."

"Do you know the exact date?" I asked a bit insipidly. It didn't quite matter, it's not like I had social engagements.

"No, not yet. I won't know till the day before or the day of. Do you have other pressing matters?" Dumbledore asked with a slight smile playing on his face.

I smiled sheepishly. "Of course not… Do you know who else in the Order will be there?" I tried to keep my voice even, tried not to sound hopeful that Remus might show up.

"I think you'll be pleased by your companions that night." Dumbledore always relished enigmatic answers. "It is quite late and I'm sure you'll need a good night sleep after such a long time of uncertainty."

"Thanks, Professor Dumbledore." I said standing up. "I'll be here when you give the word." I paused for a moment. "How will you give the word?" I asked stepping up to the fire.

"Fawkes will alert you," Dumbledore smiled. "Goodnight, Nymphadora." I said goodbye and Floo'd back to my room.

True to Dumbledore's word, I did get a good night's sleep that night. The dull ache in my stomach dissipated. I guessed that Hogwarts might be in danger when Dumbledore left, but I was excited to see other Order members. I desperately hoped that Remus would be there. Savage noticed my occasional listless sighs and frequent daydreams.

"What's on your mind, Tonks?" He asked sitting next to me on the couch. I shot him a sideways glace. I had been mentally undressing Remus. "You seem a bit preoccupied. Do you have a certain man on your mind?" He was smirking a bit.

"He's always on my mind." I said sighing. I smirked perversely saying "Not that I mind."

Savage gave me a sharp look. I could tell he held Remus in low esteem. "Why do you still hold out for him? I'm sure he's a great bloke and everything, but… he's not exactly committed to you."

I tried to not be offended. I knew Savage was just trying to be my friend, but it's rather upsetting when people say negative things about a lover. "If we were apart because he couldn't stand me or some other relational problem… then I'd try to move on. But, we're not together because of outside circumstances." I sighed then added, "And he has self-esteem problems… he doesn't think that he's good enough."

Savage had a confused look on his face. "Why does he think he's not good enough? I mean, it's not like you'd chase after a troll or anything. Shouldn't it be enough that you love him?"

I was about to explain things to Savage when Dawlish's voice came from the door. "It's because he has the sense that any werewolf should have; the sense to not bother with women. He knows she'll wake up one day and realize what kind of life she's created for herself and leave him." I stood up and walked towards Dawlish, my face twisted up in anger.

I stopped a couple of feet from him. "You know what, Dawlish?" I said balling up my fist and hitting him square on the nose. He let out a yelp of pain and quite a few swear words "You need to learn to shut your mouth." I turned and walked away. 

Dawlish started to yell that I'd get hauled in for that and he'd have my career. As if on cue Savage said, "Dawlish, you need to stop blaming Tonks for your clumsiness. You tripped, I saw it." Savage smiled and made to follow me out the back door. "Did you think I'd think less of him?" He asked as he caught up with me. I raised an eyebrow. "For being a werewolf?"

I stopped walking; I head tears in my eyes. "I didn't think it mattered." I said in a quiet voice. "I mean, it's had an affect on our relationship… but… I don't know. I guess I did think it'd make a difference in how you thought of him." I said in a small voice.

Looking at Savage I could tell I hurt his feelings. "My only concern would be your safety." He said quietly. I smiled at him and kissed him on the cheek. "Well, at least I know why he's always torn about being with you. I thought he was just really thick." I laughed airily and told him that being thick was half the problem.

I got a message from Dumbledore in the early part of June. I didn't have duty for the Ministry, so I didn't have to think of a reason to skive off. Though, I did have my box of skiving snacks if I had to get out of working to guard the school. I went to the school at 7 in the evening. Per Dumbledore's message, I went to McGonagall's office. Flitwick was there already.

"Good evening." I said smiling. Both of them eyed me wearily. Apparently they heard about my hair but merely knowing about it didn't take away from the shock of it being so dull and lank. They both said hi and returned to their conversation. "Who else is coming?" I asked taking a seat. 

Flitwick opened his mouth to say when the door opened. "Am I late?" Came Remus' voice. My heart skipped a beat, or well several beats. I twisted around in my chair to get a glimpse of him. It felt like it had been several years since I last saw him. "Hey, Nymphadora." He said smiling. I thought I detected the same feeling of extreme relief in his eyes.

"It's Tonks." I said holding in a grin. "And you _are_ late." I turned around to face McGonagall; she was giving me a stern look. She knew my flirting style after lecturing me for seven years of being too coquettish in class.

"Glad you could make it, Remus." She said briskly. "Dumbledore wants us to patrol the corridors. He didn't give specific direction; he just wants us to be out and alert. I think it's best if we pair up." She paused for a moment; I thought I saw her almost smile. "The two of you," She looked at Remus and me, "would be best suited as partners. Filius and I will walk around together."

I tried to look indifferent to her decision; I think my eager glances at Remus ruined my attempts at being nonchalant. "Tonks and I can work up to the 7th floor." Remus offered. Bill came in right as Remus spoke. I was happy to see Bill. He looked content; he looked in love.

McGonagall looked pleased that we'd have another person for the patrol. "Evening Bill." He smiled and said hi to everyone. "You should accompany Remus and Tonks; they might need a chaperone." Bill broke into a smile and agreed.

"I haven't been caught snogging at Hogwarts in quite some time." I said with a false rueful tone. 

"That's probably not for lack of trying." Bill said with a laugh. Remus laughed softly too. "Come on," Bill said still smiling, "we should get going."

The three of us left the office in the direction of the 7th floor. "Have you heard from Charlie lately?" I asked Bill. I wondered if he knew about the Charlie and Savage development. "Oh yeah, turns out he's got himself a man."

I laughed quietly. I didn't want my voices to carry too far. "Let's go up this way." Remus said pulling back a tapestry with a staircase behind it. It was a passage way I hadn't used before. Bill went first and I followed. Remus was a gentleman and held the tapestry out so we could file by. I managed to brush against Remus. I considered pacing by him just to feel his body a few more times, but maturity won over.

When we got up to the top of the staircase Bill suggested that he go off and roam the other side of the floor for a bit. Remus and I walked slowly through the corridors. We were alone for a couple of minutes before either of us talked. "I'm relieved to see you're well." He said glancing at me.

I hugged in a way that made it look like we were two large magnets. "I was sick from worrying about you. Dawlish said there'd been an attack." I looked up at him feeling an urge to put a freezing charm on the moment so I could keep hugging him.

"How did Dawlish know about that?" Remus mused while patting me gingerly on the back. "I wonder if the Ministry has a spy with the werewolves. I know I didn't recognize anyone…" Remus let go of me and smiled. "The thing is we're alright. And now you know why we shouldn't—"

"Don't start with me about that." I said tersely. We ran into Bill as we walked around a corner. "Up to the next floor?" I suggested. They followed me up the stairs. When we made it up to the seventh floor, we stopped by the Fat Lady. She was snoozing until we said hello. 

We chatted with her for a few minutes. She flirted with Bill saying that she missed their late night interludes. We went on after a few minutes, Remus pointed out that we were there to patrol, which meant moving. We were approaching the place where I ran into Harry with his Invisibility Cloak when we heard some shouting. 

Instinctively, we pulled out our wands and proceeded at a jog. Ron, Ginny, and a boy I recognized from the Department of Mysteries were all working their way out of a black area in the hall, it looked like someone turned the air to the blackest black.

"Ron, Ginny, Neville, What's going on?" Remus asked calmly. I did detect some panic in his voice, but I could tell he thought it could be an incident of nighttime mischief. Ron burst into an explanation about following Malfoy down here to the Room of Requirement and there was a group of Death Eaters that just got into the caste. He said they were headed down towards the Astronomy Tower.

"Come on!" Bill said turning to go down stairs. I was held up for a moment, I had to send a message to McGonagall and Flitwick. My patronus shot out of my wand with some gusto as I watched Remus telling the kids to be safe. It was the first time I thought that being good with kids was sexy.

If I were to die that night, I had to let him know I still loved him. Usually I'd go into a long discourse on my feelings, but a subtle gesture was all we had time for. I came to my senses and followed the others at a jog. I caught up with Remus and gave his hand a squeeze. He returned my squeeze then let go, hurrying after the others.

We met the Death Eaters in the Entrance Hall, near the base of the Astronomy Tower. Remus' face went white when he saw that Greyback was there. We had a slight advantage on the Death Eaters; well, we got the first few hexes off at least. We were more or less one on one. Bill was fighting one Death Eater and shooting jinxes at Greyback. Ron was dueling with a lumpy looking witch. Ginny dueled with a man that could have been her brother; they were beat with the same ugly stick at least. Neville was fighting that Malfoy boy. It took me quite a while to remember that he was my cousin. Oddly enough, that didn't chance my desire to jinx him. My heart almost stopped when the giant blonde Death Eater Remus was dueling shot off the Avada Kedarva. It missed Remus and hit another bloke.

Then it happened. Bill had been smiling a rather rogue smile for the situation. He was causing the Death Eater he was with to panic when Fenrir shot at him with a yell of "Can't resist such a pretty face." Greyback went right for Bill's face. All of us, including the Death Eaters, paused for a moment in horror. I finally had the sense to help. With an Impediment jinx Greyback flew off him. He seemed to be temporarily out of sorts. Malfoy and another Death Eater ran up the stairs to the Astronomy Tower. Neville made to run after him but was thrown back. McGonagall and Flitwick showed up soon after that. They both shot off several jinxes towards the Death Eaters. McGonagall yelled for Flitwick to wake Snape.

Even with all the animosity I felt for him, I thought he'd be a great help. Although, the though of him parading around as if he won the battle would be insufferable. Flitwick ran down a flight of stairs, repelling jinxes from the Blonde Death Eater.

Snape and Flitwick didn't return. I wondered if there were more Death Eaters in the castle. The Death Eaters work their way up the stairs. Suddenly Snape tore around a corner and flew up the stairs. Taking this as a sign he had disabled the barrier, we attempted to follow him. "I'ts blocked!" Remus yelled trying to disable the invisible wall. We were unsuccessful. As suddenly as they disappeared up the stairs, they were back dueling with us.

I caught a glimpse of Snape running out on the grounds. He was chasing the Malfoy boy and a few other Death Eaters. He shouted something as he left. A few minutes later Harry came down the stairs. Fenrir, who had gotten up to follow the other Death Eaters upstairs, made a leap at Harry. He was momentarily stupefied. Ginny finished her duel with the blonde bloke. He helped Greyback to his feet and they left.

After the Death Eaters fled, we helped the injured up to the Hospital Wing. Remus levitated Bill's limp body with a pained expression on his face. Although Remus didn't attack Bill I could tell he felt a sense of responsibility for the harm done by another werewolf. I helped Neville up the staircase. He was out cold so I did my best to levitate him up the stairs. I tripped a few times causing Neville to run into the wall. Ron was walking with us; he bore stony look on his face. He was grim, even stoic. We ran into Hermione and another girl on our way to the Hospital Wing.

"Hermione, Luna- are you both alright?" He asked with a worried expression. Hermione explained that they had been with Flitwick, he passed out in Snape's office. "Come on, both of you. Professor McGonagall said to go to the Hospital Wing."

"What's happened to Bill?" Hermione asked wide-eyed. Ron answered her in a hollow voice. Both girls looked astounded. "Will he be a… a werewolf?" Hermione asked quietly.

Remus shook his head in an unconvinced manner. "I don't think we'll know until the next full moon." Remus pushed the door to the Hospital Wing open. Madame Pomfreycame out of her office upon hearing the door open. She let out a slight shriek.

"Oh my… What's happened?" She asked looking from me to Remus then to the kids. Remus and I explained that there was an attack, and that Bill was attacked by Greyback. "But… it's not the full moon." She looked as if merely stating that would make his wounds disappear. Madame Pomfrey snapped out of her shocked reverie and grabbed a book. "Lay him down here." She said indicating a bed close to her. "And let's have Mr. Longbottom over there." I moved Neville over to the bed a few away from Bill.

The rest of us sat down on the spare beds while Madame Pomfrey tried spell after spell to heal Bill. Remus and I were on the bed closest to Bill. It was a while before any of us spoke. "Where's Harry?" Remus asked suddenly. Ron said he saw him chasing after some Death Eaters. "Should we go find him?" Remus looked around. "Did Ginny go with him?"

Ron shrugged, his eyes fixed on his brother. Remus stood up, but the door opened before he could go anywhere. It was Harry closely followed by Ginny. Hermione ran up to him and gave him a hug. "How's Bill?" Harry asked after a moment. We didn't know how to answer… none of us knew for sure. He looked at Madame Pomfrey. "Can't you fix tehm with a charm or something?" Madame Pomfrey explained that she couldn't fix them. She tried but there isn't a cure for werewolf bites.

Ron was in denial about the whole thing. "But he wasn't bitten at the full moon… Greyback hadn't transformed so he…he won't be…"

Ron and Remus exchanged looks, each was uncertain. "No, I don't think that Bill will be a true werewolf, but that does not mean there will not be contamination." It sounded like Remus had been thinking this through since Bill was attacked.

"Dumbledore might know something…" Ron sounded hopeful. "Where is he? Bill fought those maniacs on Dumbledore's orders, Dumbledore owes him, he can't leave him in that state—"

Ginny had a pained expression on her face when she spoke. "Ron—Dumbledore's dead."

Remus' reaction was immediate and raw. He shouted "No!" As if shouting might make her words false. Remus collapsed into a chair near the bed.

I had to work to tear my eyes off Remus. He was always so purposeful…not usually that exposed. "How did he die?" I asked feeling my stomach lurch at the thought.

Harry explained Dumbledore's death to us. It didn't look like he had taken in the idea of Dumbledore gone; none of us had. When he was near the death part of his retelling a chilling melody filled the room. It sounded like a lament. We all listened to it, as if it was communicating the loss we all felt.

We no one stirred until McGonagall entered the room. She asked Harry about Dumbledore's death. When Harry told her that Snape did it; she expressed disbelief and shock. There was quite a change in how Remus talked about Snape during that conversation. He had always been gracious and lenient with Snape's behavior. He was vicious and harsh when he talked about him that night.

Harry asked us what happened. We all worked to piece together that night's events. There were a lot of gaps in my memory as to what happened when. It was a bit like making bread from the ingredients in ten different pantries. Everyone had something to add and it all helped us form a picture of what happened that night.

As we finished Molly and Arthur came in. Molly's eyes grew with shock as her gaze fell on her eldest son. Remus and I got up and moved away so they'd have the closest seats. She was sobbing as Arthur conferred with Remus and McGonagall about the night's events. Fleur walked in and froze at the sight of Bill. I could tell she was trying to figure things out…marriage, their relationship, it was all at risk now. Molly made a comment about how Bill _was_ to be married.

Fleur took great offense at this. She had a row with Molly saying that Bill will still love her, even if he is part werewolf. Seeing Fleur fight for her right to be Bill's endeared her to me more than anything else. Her insistence that she and Bill would remain together broke through the cold defense Molly had been putting up the past year. She offered to lend her their Auntie's tiara for their wedding. They hugged sobbing. 

Something in my snapped. Why couldn't that be me? "You see!" I said in a pained voice. "She still wants to marry him even though he's been bitten! She doesn't care!" I was glaring at Remus. I had been suffering for well over a year and a half waiting for him to come around; I didn't want to wait anymore. I wanted him to propose like Bill told me had would. I wanted a wedding and little Remus-babies.

Remus on the other hand looked as if I had posted up pictures of him being petrified while wanking off. "It's different." He said shortly. "Bill will not be a full werewolf. The cases are completely—"

I was close to stomping my foot again. "But I don't care either, I don't care!" I grabbed the front of his robes shaking them slightly. I wanted him to be less detached; I wanted the rawness back. "I've told you a million times…" I was close to tears.

Remus wasn't meeting my eyes, which was always a bad sign. "And I've told _you_ a million times that I am too old, too poor…" He paused looking at Bill for a brief moment. "…too dangerous."

"I've said all along you're taking a ridiculous line on this, Remus." Molly said tearing her eyes off Bill's face.

Remus started to speak as if he was reciting a speech. There was little to no emotion in his voice. "I am not being ridiculous. Tonks deserves somebody young and whole." I couldn't believe that he didn't think of himself as a whole person.

"But she wants you." Arthur said quietly his face formed a faint smile. "And after all, Remus, young and whole men do not necessarily remain so…" Remus kept countering their gentle persuasion until it was brought to an end by Hagrid's entrance. McGonagall asked Harry and Hagrid to go with her to her office for a quick meeting. I sat in a chair near the wall. I had lost the argument again…even with reinforcements.

After Harry left with McGonagall I remained seated for a few moments. My head was buried into my hands. I felt so embarrassed. It wasn't like me to burst out like that. I felt ashamed for embarrassing Remus; he was such a private man after all. Fleur was sitting next to Bill on his bed. I could see her eyes well up with tears every few moments. I imagined Remus and I in that situation. Him being injured beyond recognition and me sitting devotedly by his side… Arthur's words still rang in my ears.

I didn't look up until I felt a hand on my shoulder. "Let's give them some privacy." Remus said in a low voice. I looked around and saw that Remus and I were the only non-family members left with the Weasleys. I stood up and followed Remus out of the Hospital Wing.

"Where are you staying tonight?" I asked realizing that Remus didn't have lodgings. He looked grief stricken and lost, much like he did when Sirius died, but the look of hope he usually had in his eyes had dissipated.

He said he wasn't sure; then he asked, "May I stay with you, Nymphadora?" I nodded and took his hand in mine. "No…" He said softly but didn't make an effort to take his hand out of mine. "We can't." It didn't seem like his heart was in the argument this time.

We walked mostly in silence. When we got to the flat it was empty. I noticed that my bedroom door was opened and Elton John was lying haphazardly on the floor. "Guess they got summoned to the school." I said shrugging. "Bit late for help." I said coldly. I walked towards my room. "This one is mine." I let Remus in before me.

He sat down on the side of my bed looking at the picture on my bedside table. "You still have this." He said picking the picture up. "That seems like a long time ago." He had a bittersweet tone in his voice.

I sat down next to him. "It's something I'd like to have again." I said earnestly. "I know that you're older and a bit dangerous; I'd be thicker than a Beater's bat if I didn't… the thing is, I love you and that won't go away. I love you with all your faults, all your mistakes, everything."

Remus didn't look at me; his eyes were boring into the photo. When he set the picture down he said, "Let's talk about this tomorrow. We're both too exhausted to really discuss anything. I agreed and started changing for bed. 

"I have a pair of pajamas that you could wear." Remus gave me a puzzled look. "I took them from Grimmauld Place last winter." I said unblushingly. Remus put them on and crawled into bed with me. I cuddled against him. He looked like a sailor in unfamiliar waters. "Oh!" I said reaching under the pillow. "I saved Freckles for you." Remus chuckled.

We slowly drifted off to sleep feeling unsure of a Dumbledore free world. As my eyes closed with sleep I didn't know that we'd be woken up at wand point in the morning or that I'd have to explain myself to Scrimgeour himself. All my mind was working on was the fact that I had Remus, even if it was only temporarily, in my arms.


	23. Questioning

It seemed like only a few moments had past when my bedroom door burst open. I woke with a jolt and saw Savage, Proudfoot and Dawlish there with their wands out. I sat bolt upright in bed and grabbed my wand. "What's going on?" I asked looking around. Remus was awake too. He and Savage made brief eye contact; theirs eyes showed signs of mutual recognition. Dawlish and Proudfoot stepped into the room.

"We have to take you in for questioning." Proudfoot said flatly. He had the look of a man acting on orders and not of his own will. Dawlish on the other hand looked more pleased than a toddler in a candy store.

"What is she being questioned for?" Remus asked putting a hand on my arm. His grip was protective, as was the growl in his voice.

"That's none of your business, wolf." Dawlish said nastily. His wand was on Remus. He looked all too eager to have his wand pointed at Remus' throat. "We're to bring you in too."

"What is _he_ being questioned for?" I asked fiercely. Remus had been away for the better part of a year. If Proudfoot and Savage hadn't been there, I would have thought it was a ruse, some plot of Dawlish.

"Tonks, it's better if you just come along easily." Savage said gently. Remus' eyes flickered from Savage to me. He was trying to determine the relationship between Savage and me.

I got out of bed, thankful I didn't sleep in the buff. Remus got up too; he was careful to move slowly. Dawlish looked a bit trigger happy. Dawlish and Proudfoot grabbed our wands and led us out of the room. We didn't have to go far for questioning. The Ministry had a makeshift outpost in Hogsmeade. They didn't give Remus and I a chance to get dressed, but they did let us put shoes on. People stared as we were brought to the new Ministry building. I wanted to ask Savage what the bloody-hell was going on, but doing so in front of Dawlish and Proudfoot didn't seem rational.

We came to a halt in a large entryway. I looked around wondering where we were going. Proudfoot led me down one hallway. I turned and saw that Remus was going down another. I heard his voice carry through the halls. "Where are you taking her? Where—" It sounded like they either hit him hard or took him somewhere his voice did not echo. They sat me down in a room with a chair in it. Scrimgeour was standing in a corner. 

"I'm disappointed, Nymphadora." Scrimgeour said as Proudfoot shut the door. "You really did have great potential as an Auror…" He sighed. "But leaving your post at a crucial time like you did…"

"I didn't leave my post!" I said vehemently. "I had the night off and fancied a visit to the school." I knew better than to say I was there on Order business. 

"What a coincidence…that so many people should feel fit to visit on such an eventful night." His voice did not sound at all surprised; he was rather cold. "Tell me, where you there for the Order of the Phoenix?"

I looked at him like he was speaking a foreign language. "I'm not into bird watching" I said with the tone of someone being asked a ridiculous question. "Look, I was there visiting some of the professors. When the Death Eaters showed up I started to fight them- that is part of my job description. I didn't know Lupin and Weasley were there until I had been there a while."

Scrimgeour looked incensed. "You mean to tell me that Dumbledore didn't summon you there to guard the school while he was away?"

I shook my head slowly. "No. I haven't seen Dumbledore in ages. Caught a glimpse of him taking a walk the other month." I said lightly. Scrimgeour looked as if he wanted to hit me.

Then, as if she had sensed something foul going on from the school, McGonagall burst into the room. I realized that if Dumbledore had burst like that he'd have a ten-fold affect on the scene, but her entrance had enough to help me out of a bind. 

"Minister, what is going on here?" She asked with a sharp tone. "This is illegal." She was looking at me as if trying to see if I had been harmed. "You cannot snatch people out of their bedrooms and drag them in without so much as saying what they have done to warrant questioning!"

Scrimgeour's face and tone changed completely as he spoke to McGonagall. "My dear Minerva, this is a disciplinary meeting. Tonks is being reprimanded—"

"Reprimanded my foot! She should receive an Order of Merlin for her work last night! If she hadn't been there visiting the professors, many students would have been hurt, even killed! Even more atrocious, Rufus, is how you'd haul in a civilian! If this were disciplinary, Remus Lupin would not be in your custody." McGonagal's nostrils were flaring as she yelled at him. She was definitely more hotheaded than Dumbledore, but she could pack a punch.

Scrimgeour looked angry at her depth of knowledge. He told me to get out of his sight. "What about Remus?" I asked boldly. McGonagall pulled me out of the room before Scrimgeour answered. "…How did you know?" I asked after a few moments. She explained that one of the spectators in the crowd informed her. She failed to specify who it was.

Remus was leaning against a wall near the door. He looked as if his interrogation had been thoroughly nonverbal. I ran towards him seeing that his lip was bleeding. "Remus… what did they…" I helped him to his feet shouldering a great portion of his weight. McGonagall offered to put us up at the castle. I shook my head. "No, we'll be fine at my place… or at Remus' place." She nodded curtly and left towards Hogwarts.

"Are you sure it's a good idea to stay there?" Remus asked attempting to manage his own weight. "I mean… Dawlish might do something rash." Remus was walking on his own holding his hand to his side.

"If he tries something, I'll put him in his place." I said with a scowl. "Maybe I'll do that just because I can. I'd like to know why they hauled us in this morning. Brad didn't seem to have his heart in it. Neither did Proudfoot for that matter."

Remus threw me a sideways glance. "Brad? Do you mean Savage?" I nodded. I wondered if he clarified because he didn't know or he wanted to point out that using a coworker's first name was a bit intimate. "Seems like the two of you hit it off quite well since March." 

I ignored his jibe and opened the door to the flat. Savage was there with Proudfoot. Savage stood up quickly as we entered. "You're ok." He sounded as if he had been worried. "I couldn't believe it when they ordered… it wasn't just." Savage was a sucker for truth, justice and other such ideals.

I wanted to be harsh with them, but I didn't have the emotional energy to be a jerk. "Look, I'm sure you're both sorry. It was orders…I get it. We're going to be in my room. If Dawlish shows up, let us know?" They both nodded. "Come on Remus." I said taking him by the hand and leading him into my room, locking the door behind us.

Remus collapsed on the bed. I sat next to him, brushing some stray hairs out of his face. "I was terrified when they tried to take you away." He said hoarsely. "I thought I lost you… I can't bear to loose you anymore." He reached out and took my hand in his. "I love you, Tonks. I… I want us to be together. No more of this back and forth; no more of me being a prat." He smiled sheepishly and looked up into my face. His eyes were bright with a mixture of hope and fear that I might wrench my hand out of his and tell him off.

I kissed him on the forehead, my eyes stung with tears. "Arthur was right." I smiled vaguely. "I just had to wear down your defenses." I let out a small laugh. I leaned in for another kiss, this time kissing Remus' cheek.

He raised an eyebrow at my remark about Arthur. "Well, I'm glad you listened to him. He's a smart man." He sounded quite distracted as he said this. With each kiss I planted on his face and body he paused for a moment letting out a shudder of delight. Remus' eyes were softly shut, his breath ragged from the kiss I was planting on his neck. When I came up with a slight slurp he opened his eyes. "Tonks…" I smiled and let out a 'hmm?' Remus grinned. "Your hair. It's pink." I got up and looked into the mirror. It was a bright and vibrant pink.

I sat down next to Remus again. I was smiling at him, most likely looking like a dope with pink hair. "I do want to talk a few things out though…" I knew I could ruin our fluffy romantic mood, but I _had_ to ask him some things about the previous year.

Remus sat up so we were eye to eye. "Ask me anything." He said showing the braveness that made him a Gryffindor. "I do have a lot of explaining to do." His head hung slightly; there was a lot of shame and guilt in his eyes.

I sighed; my heart was racing. Confronting these problems was a lot scarier than I thought it would be. The first question came out of my mouth with a bitter taste. "Why did you break up with me last year?" I had heard his explanation a hundred times, but the idea of he and Farah hooking up so soon afterwards marked his actions as suspicious.

He let out a sigh. "I thought you'd start there…" His voice wasn't harsh, it was rather melancholy, much like a person going in for their first confession in many years. "I felt selfish…being in love while my best friend was miserable. When he died," Remus took in a sharp breath. "I couldn't justify going on being so blissful while people were sacrificing everything for the Order. I thought that I could do more for Dumbledore if I wasn't always worried about you… My idea was truly flawed. My mind was always with you. I hated myself for pushing you away again. I didn't think you'd bother trying again."

I listen intently as Remus further explained his rationale for leaving and refusing to get back together. When he finished I finally asked the question that had been burning a hole in my heart for the better part of a year, "What was going on with you and Farah…that night?"

Remus gave me a searching look as if he was calculating the amount of pain it caused me to ask him about it. "That was a mistake." He said quickly. "I thought that I could erase you if I had another woman." His voice quavered slightly. "It was coincidence that I ran into Farah that night. She was out with a group of girlfriends. She bought me a few drinks. I couldn't believe she was into me after so many years." He let out a hollow laugh. "She was on the rebound. The Giant Squid would have looked good to her. We went back to my place… she was all over me. We had just started," Remus coughed quietly, "Copulating when I heard the vase break."

There were tears in his eyes. "After I caught up with you…and you left, I went back inside and put clothes on. Farah was confused and quite angry. I got dressed and told her that I had to go and see if I could fix my mistake. I went to your flat; I thought you would be there. I waited for a few hours before deciding to go back to my place." He sighed languidly. "We probably were there within five minutes of one another. I got a Howler from Molly the next day. She said I broke your heart and that if I had any decency I'd go to you right away and put things right."

His face was wet with gently falling tears. "Every time I saw you that summer I couldn't think of the right apology… I couldn't get you to stop yelling at me either." There was a slight smile behind his eyes at he said that. "When you came to visit me I was taken aback by the change in your demeanor. My tongue failed me again. I didn't think I could ever earn your forgiveness. I—"

"You don't have to go any further, Remus." I said quietly. "I forgave you a long time ago. All I want now is your love."

Remus smiled bleakly. "You've always had that, Nymphadora." Remus leaned in to kiss me gently. I wondered if this was one of those moments for which entire romance novels are written. We sank into the bed together in a warm embrace and stayed there most of the night.

Dumbledore's funeral was the next day. We breakfasted early. Savage was up before we finished. "Morning Tonks." He said sleepily. "No sign of Dawlish last night. I imagine he didn't fancy coming back here after he reported you 'n' all."

I looked up from my plate of egg-pebbles. "He reported me?" Remus didn't look up, but he titled his head in a very characteristic 'I'm listening' way.

Savage nodded. "I don't think Scrimgeour would have noticed if Merlin was at Hogwarts last night. He didn't need us there… you guys took care of the Death Eaters." He paused with a glass in his hand. "Is it true? About Charlie's brother?" I nodded my head. "Ripped apart by a werewolf…" He eyes darted to Remus then back to me.

"Fenrir is an abomination of a werewolf." I said sharply. "Brad, I do appreciate your concern… but trust me, not many werewolves digress like that." I took a few bites of egg without talking.

Remus seemed to have connected a few dots while Savage and I talked. "Have you seen Charlie lately?" He asked lightly. Bill and I never specified who Charlie was seeing; this was Remus' way to see if he guessed the right guy. Savage smiled shyly and said he hadn't seen Charlie in quite a while, but he had been invited to Bill and Fleur's wedding.

We excused ourselves and made for the castle. The funeral was held near the lake. It was a beautiful day for a funeral. We found seats together. Remus held my hand in his like a person holds an injured butterfly. During the ceremony, the sun felt like a blanket of hope… a bit like Dumbledore's hand on all of us. I don't remember starting to cry, but the tears came steadily. I looked at Remus; he was holding himself together. I knew that it was a far too public arena for him to be openly emotional. The tears that did make their way out of his eyes caused his face to shimmer in the light. It made his face look almost angelic.

After the funeral, we looked around for Harry. Ron said that Scrimgeour walked off with him. Hermione was sobbing into his shoulder. They walked towards the castle, both looking bleak. We ran into Robards on our way back to Hogsmeade. He was looking stern.

"I need to have a word with you, Tonks." He said ignoring that I was with someone coming from a funeral. "I've been quite disappointed with your cooperation this past year. I heard so many good things about you when I took over the Auror department…" He handed me an official looking letter. "You're suspended until further notice. You'll vacate your room at the flat here by tonight."

I blinked at him slowly. I couldn't quite believe I was being ousted from the department… from the only job I had ever wanted. I muttered a lame 'ok' and walked away with Remus. We were hand in hand and together; that could be counted as one of the only blessing I had that day.


	24. Enigmatic At Best

It didn't take us long to get my possessions out of the flat in Hogsmeade. Savage was furious when I said I had been suspended. He wanted to storm into Robard's office and give him a talking to. I told him not to bother; I didn't want two Auror's on the dole. I had quite a bit of money saved up from living in Hogsmeade for a year. Almost everything there was paid for by the Ministry. When we were ready to go, I shook Proudfoot's hand saying it was nice to work with him for the year. Savage gave me a rib-cracking hug. "Take care of yourself." He said looking at me with a piercing gaze and gave me a kiss on the cheek. He then turned to shake Remus' hand. Looking at the two of them, I could tell they were still measuring up one another.

"Let's go, Remus." I said quietly. "Bye guys… take care of yourselves." I left with one backwards glance into the flat. Proudfoot and Savage looked quite upset. I wondered why Dawlish hadn't been back…possibly to avoid another clash between us. "Where should we go?" I asked in a tone that suggseted we were headed out for a night of fun.

"How about your place?" Remus suggested. "I'd… I'd like it if you came to live with me. I realize my place is small… and I would understand if you wanted to keep—" I grinned and made to kiss Remus but I tripped over one my trunks landing face up in the mud. He helped me up with a benign smile. "I'll take that as a yes to living together…" he said tentatively.

I shot him a look while brushing the mud off my robes. "Of course that's a 'yes, I'll live with you.'" I grinned again. "I'd fly to the moon with you if you asked." Remus smiled ruefully and said he'd meet me at my place. He disappeared with a pop and I turned to disapparate right away.

When we got to my flat, I couldn't believe how dead it looked. I lit a fire and looked around. Most of my stuff had been boxed up the previous year. "I guess this will make it easier to move to my place." Remus said looking around at all the boxes. "We'll have to consolidate…"

I smiled mischievously. "We could add on like the Weasleys did…" I suggested. "Cloaking spell to hide it from the Muggles." Remus looked pensive. I didn't want to push it. "We can decide later." I said softly. "I don't think there's anything here I need right away…" I looked at some of the labels on the boxes. "Anything you wanted to grab?" I asked looking at Remus.

He was looking around too. I wondered if he had forgotten something at my place and never returned to get it. I thought I saw him slip something in his pocket but he turned and said "Nope. We should get to my," He blushed. "Our place."

_Our place_. The phrase sent jitters through my stomach. He tapped my trunks with his wand to send them to _our_ place. Remus looked oddly nervous. "Let's go home." I said quietly. We were at his place in a matter of moments. I made to open the door when he grabbed my hand to stop me.

I looked around wondering if there was something dangerous looming around the corner. "I want to carry you." He said quietly. I cocked my head as if I hadn't heard him quite right. Remus was blushing slightly. "If you don't want me to…it's alright. I've just always wanted to carry you over the threshold. It's bad luck if you trip."

I laughed; Remus never struck me as the superstitious type. "Alright, you can carry me." I was grinning as he picked me up. Remus managed to avoid hitting my head against the doorway, but he did trip when as my feet hit against the door. "Is it bad luck for the bloke to trip?" I teased as he kicked the door shut and carried me further in the house. I wondered when he was going to put me down. He headed towards the bedroom. Needless to say, I liked where we were headed.

He set me down on the bed and kissed me lovingly. I pulled him close to me; it had been too long since our last intimate rendezvous. It felt like I was rediscovering paradise. It hadn't been the actions or physical touch that made it so unforgettable, but it was Remus doing it which made the night one to remember. It was a number of hours before we fell asleep. We were both sweaty and quite gross, but it didn't stop us from cuddling and idly chatting.

We spent the next day running around getting our affairs in order. I went to get the ingredients for the Wolfsbane potion. I had just enough time to make it before the full moon. Remus went to McGonagall and told her that I had been suspended and that we'd be living at his place. She was furious with the Ministry. Remus and I visited my parents that night. I hadn't seen them since my birthday the previous year.

They were ecstatic to see me. Mom burst into tears and Dad hugged me for what felt like five minutes. "Get off me, I've only been gone for a while. Yell at the Ministry if you have a problem with it." I said shaking them off. I looked at them feeling that they had changed quite a bit in a year. They looked quite a bit older than I remembered. They had us over for dinner that night. Remus asked Dad to go on a walk. I thought it was strange, but I was too busy catching up with Mom. She was eager to hear about my work with the Ministry. She was very taken aback to hear I had fought the Death Eaters the night Dumbledore died. It was "much too dangerous" for a young woman such as myself. Dad and Remus got back from their walk a bit before dinner was ready. Dad had a grin on his face; he said it was from seeing his daughter so happy. We managed to skirt around my suspension for the better part of the evening.

Dad was on his second glass of wine when he asked, "What does the Ministry have you doing now?" He looked as if he could not be any more proud of his daughter. His expression changed to one of cold fury when I said I had been suspended. "Wha… Why would they do that? _You fought Death Eaters_." He looked to Remus as if expecting him to say 'April Fools' or otherwise indicate a jest. When no such indication came, Dad went into a rant about the Ministry. He finished with a blustery, "I'll have to talk to Rufus about this."

I looked at my plate; it was easier to tell some things to the mash potatoes. "He was the one that kicked me out." I said in a low voice. He hadn't given me the letter, but it was his signature on my suspension orders. Remus and I left a bit after that. My parents were in a persistent state of shock when we said our goodbyes.

A few days later, Remus shooed me away from our house for a few hours. He said he wanted to surprise me with something. I went over to the Weasley's house to visit with Molly. She had been overjoyed to hear that Remus and I were doing so well. She mentioned that Arthur was trying to get me moved to his department. I smiled bleakly; I didn't think the Ministry would ever re-extend employment to me. Then we turned to talk of Bill and Fleur's wedding. It seemed that Bill would be recovered well enough for the wedding date. It was only three weeks away. After about three hours of chatting, I took my leave. I wanted to see what was so secretive that Remus had to kick me out.

I knocked before I entered. I knew I lived there, but I didn't want to interrupt Remus' surprise-making. Remus opened the door and pulled me inside. He kissed me tenderly and said he had dinner waiting. I raised an eyebrow. I didn't see why him making dinner warranted such secrecy.

Remus pulled out a chair for me to sit in. I sat down after planting a kiss on his cheek. He was smiling as he poured two glasses of wine. He brought in our dinner on two plates. The truth is I don't remember what he cooked. I distinctly remember thinking it was something I'd never have the patience to cook. I gave him the news from Molly while we ate. He thought that I had a chance getting a job under Arthur. "What's the occasion for all of this wonderful pleasantry?" I asked after he served crème brulée for dessert.

He didn't answer, he just smiled at me mischievously and started talking about places we could get work. "Minerva made it sound like she wouldn't mind having you on as D.A.D.A professor next year." I nearly swallowed my tongue at his proclamation. "Or Transfiguration professor." He said eyeing me with a smile.

I hadn't thought about teaching before. I always thought I had been too much of a rule breaker to try to enforce rules. Then again, Remus had been quite a rule breaker himself but made a great professor. "Wouldn't it make sense to have you as the Defense Professor?" I looked at him from over my glass. He smiled again without answering.

"I want to dance." He announced standing up and stretching. I smiled standing up. "If you permit me." Remus said with a bow. He extended his hand to mine and I took it gently. He led me into his small sitting room and with two flicks of his wand started a fire and a record player in the corner. The deep and mournful voice that came from the speaker stirred up a memory from another romantic night Remus and I had shared.

The familiar yet unknown lyrics floated in the air as we slowly danced. Remus held me close as our bodies moved together. "Remus?" I said without lifting my head from his chest. "What does this song mean?" He explained how the singer was comparing his addiction to horse racing with his attraction to women.

I looked at him with my eyebrows crunched together. It didn't seem very romantic. "He says that it doesn't matter how many times he looses her, he'll always be back for more; she's his addiction." He pulled me close again and hummed along with the lyrics. "Tonks?" I let out a quiet 'hmm?' "I read something interesting today. I thought it might interest you." He paused and I looked up at him. "They've named a new constellation." My face must have shown the excitement I felt at those words. "Come on, I can show you."

He led me out to the patio. Remus pointed up to the sky vaguely. "See?" I shook my head. "It's called _Pulchra Vita_. I'll draw some of the lines." He took out his wand and drew a line in the sky connecting two of the distant stars. "See it yet?" I shook my head. I wondered who in their right mind would put two stars so far apart in one constellation. "I'll draw a few more." He said connecting some other stars together.

"Remus, are you sure this is a _real_ constellation?" I asked skeptically. It looked like a bunch of lines in the sky. He nodded and connected a few more. It could have been 'Harry Te' but that seemed like a strange constellation.

Remus saw the look of confusion on my face and laughed. "I"ll connect the dots for you." With a few more flicks of his wand, the words 'Marry Me' formed in the sky.

My heart palpitated slightly. What kind of constellation was this? I turned to Remus to ask who on earth would make that into a star formation, but before I could even begin to form the words he was on a knee.

"Tonks, I planned on doing this last year… but you know I made a prat of myself by not asking then. All of that being behind us, Will you marry me?" Remus pulled out a small box that I had seen before. Images from the past year popped into my head. Dumbledore handing him a small box from Grimmauld Place after Sirius died…then the small item he slipped into his pocket at my flat; it made sense now.

I let out a squeal of, well, delight. "Of course I'll marry you!" I flung my arms around him and trips at the same time. We landed with a thud. "That's something you'll have to get use to." I laughed nervously.

We were both sprawled on the patio. Remus kissed my forehead and slipped a ring on my finger. "Don't worry, I'll learn to improvise." As uncomfortable as the patio was, we stayed there under the stars for a good portion of the night snogging and occasionally noticing that there were stars.

I couldn't quite get my mind around the idea of being _Mrs._ Lupin. Or maybe he'd be _Mr_. Tonks. I was giddy and uncharacteristically girlish about being engaged. I made a point of visiting Molly and casually used my left hand to grab a muffin from the table while she was watching. The speed with which she grabbed my hand equaled that of a Seeker hunting the Snitch. "Oh Tonks!" She let out. "When did he ask? I can't believe it!" She was beside herself.

Unfortunately, Mom did not share the same sentiment. She thought we were rushing things. "I told Remus I thought it was a good idea." Dad chimed in. He immediately regretted saying anything. We both turned on him. I asked "How long did you know he was going to ask me?" While Mom yelled, "How could you agree to this?" He mumbled something about leaving a file at work and rushed off.

Mom was staring at me and at my ring with trepidation. "I know it's not the best timing… but it's what we want." I looked at her trying my best puppy-eyes look. She kissed my forehead and said she was happy for me. We heard Dad at the window. His face had been pressed to it watching us the whole time. We burst into peals of laughter. He was a dope at times.

McGonagall visited us that week to offer the two of us jobs. When Remus and I announced that we were engaged she gave us a stern look. "About time you fool." She said to Remus; her mouth twitched slightly. We accepted the jobs in a heartbeat. She did say that we were to be discreet about our relationship. The student population is not to know details of the professors' social lives. I asked about the school reopening; Remus had been under the impression that it would not open that year. "Yes, that had been quite uncertain until yesterday. The School's governors met and decided that it should remain open. Knowledge must continue to be passed on." She smiled bleakly. "Tonks, I'll leave you my lesson plans that I used for Transfiguration. I have no doubt you'll make a great teacher, even with pink hair."

Remus and I celebrated our new jobs at Hogwarts by cooking S'mores by the fire. "I never did thank you for the S'mores you sent me over Christmas." He said quietly while piecing together a marshmallow, chocolate and graham cracker sandwich. I smiled with a mouthful of chocolate and marshmallow. "Two of your favorite things." I said after swallowing. I wondered if marriage would entail nights like that one, but I'd never find out.

Short-lived would be the best way to describe our blissful engagement. The night of the full moon, while we were in bed together, our house was broken into. We barely had time to stop making love and turn around when they had their wands on us. Dawlish and Fenrir, both looking livid; both … brothers in arm? They stepped in revealing that they were there with a couple of shaggy looking men. I recognized them from my trip to Leeds.

The only two people I could honestly say I hated being together with every intention of doing harm to Remus and I made me feel more terrified than I had felt in quite a while. Battlling Death Eaters had been different. I was prepared…armed. This was an intrusion into an intimate moment. Dawlish grabbed our wands and Fenrir threw a pair of trousers to Remus. "Get dressed you traitor." He said with a snarl. Remus gave my hand a squeeze before getting out of bed.

Remus hastily put his pants on. He seemed eager to comply. He kept shooting glances at the window. I thought I knew where his mind was. The moon would rise before too long; he didn't want me with a group of werewolves then. Once Remus finished buttoning his trousers, Fenrir slammed him into the wall. "Did you think we wouldn't notice you fought with the wrong side? Did you think I didn't know you were one of," He licked Remus' neck grotesquely. "One of Dumbledore's?"

Remus' eyes glinted with trepidation. He glanced at me looking worried for my safety. I worried that he'd do or say something foolish, and he did. "Do what you want with me, but please… please spare her." Remus' eyes moved from person to person. He didn't see any sympathy in their cold gazes.

Fenrir let out a harsh, putrid laugh. "Spare her? She is Dawlish' prize. You see, he led us here in exchange for a… romantic night with your gal. Someone was foolish enough to use the fireplace here to go to Hogwarts while the Ministry was monitoring their fires." My heart sank. This was my fault. "Dawlish had the location of the person sooner than a rabbit gets an erection." Fenrir grabbed Remus by the back of his neck and drug him out of the room. Remus was yelling to no prevail.

Dawlish didn't man an immediate move. He remained against the wall leering at me. "How long have you been a Death Eater?" I asked as if this were a sit down interview. He didn't answer. "_HOW LONG?_" I shouted. "Were you planning on betraying Savage and Proudfoot too?" I stormed on. I hoped that I'd be able to goad him into doing something stupid. I was quite surprised he hadn't started in on his 'reward' right away. He had been insinuating that he'd have me in a heartbeat for well over two years. I thought he was a Eunuch or otherwise incapable.

It took me several hours of goading and taunting to break him, but sure enough, Dawlish raged towards me like an angry buffoon. I kicked him in the groin causing him to fall over. I grabbed my wand and petrified him then I muttered a binding spell. I got dressed, eager to go after Remus. Then I stopped realizing that he'd be with three full-fledged werewolves.

I paced the room for several minutes debating what I should do. It was nearly dawn, surely he'd be back to human by now. I raced out of our house not knowing where to start. I figured they'd be in a seedy par to of town, but that didn't help narrow things down for me. I ran aimlessly screaming his name. He _had_ to be somewhere nearby.

After what seemed like hours of searching odd alleyways I saw him. He was in a heap of garbage. He wasn't moving. I ran towards him dropping my wand near his body. I felt as if someone had sucked my soul out right then. I knelt down to his lifeless body. His face was mangled, his body cold to the touch. I pressed my lips to his; they did not move in response. I started to cry out his name in vain hope that his spirit would hear me and return to his body.

My vision became blurred and I had to leave. I couldn't bear to see anymore. As I ran down the alley it was like his hoarse voice was haunting me. "_Tonks_." It whispered. I screamed out an angry 'no' and ran faster. I didn't know how long or how far I ran. I didn't remember anyone finding me or anything until I woke up sometime later in a room. My arms were tied down to the bed.

That's how I came to be here. You can believe me or not. You might wonder why I said I had committed a heinous crime. My crime was simple; I lived to see my lover die. There is no greater crime. I want to leave this cell; I need to be released from this strange prison. I don't think they'll ever let me leave though. I do feel tired though; I feel like a long restful sleep is upon me. I take my leave now.

Tonks said goodnight to her nonexistent audience and leaned back in her bed. She was indeed restrained to her bed; the nurses feared that she would hurt herself in the state she had been in the past few days. As she fell into a deep peaceful slumber she didn't notice her breathing slow or her air passages stop; after all, no one knows it when they're dying.

She did have a vivid dream before her last breath. It's said that people see a sped up version of their past at this point of their death, but she dreamt of a future lost. She saw her wedding, children… growing old with her amante. She saw unlived memories and moments she never experienced. This leads us to wonder if true lovers really do perish. Will their spirits find a way to connect in the beyond? Is there hope for Remus and Tonks? We can only speculate.

_A/N: I will continue this fic ... well... You might call it restarting the fic. _How I killed my Lover; or Why you Should Never Love a Werewolf_ will be the sequal to this. That's where you'll learn the fate of our heros. _


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